What They Said: Favorite Quotes from Archer “Crossing Over” 

Episode: “Crossing Over”

• “Forget the glass, Woodhouse, just give me the pitcher. For I am a sinner in the hands of an angry God. Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now at the hour of my death, which I hope is soon. Amen.”

• “Some dry toast?” “Yeah or you could skip a step and feed me some vomit.”

• “I don’t know what happened. I mean, I kinda remember being at the wake.” “Oh you poor dear. On behalf of his fellow ISIS agents please let me be the first to offer my condolences.” “And let me be the first to welcome you back into the dating pool and/or my new hot tub.”

• “But I do remember her being the best sex I’ve ever had in my life.” “Uh-” “Shut up. And that includes Europe, Lana, my Brazilian opare… No woman has ever made me-“

• “No, no, no, not… Wait… Were you… Did we…” “Yeah we did and you loved it.”

• “Ok. Jeez I get it.” “Well you say that but I worry that you think I’m exaggerating when I say” “that I was the best sex you ever had?” “No. That if anybody ever finds out about it I will literally- Pam, look at me – I will literally murder you.” “Not literally.” “Yes, literally. You will wake up in three separate 50 gallon drums.” “That’s a 150 gallons… of Pam’s hot, dirty wall-slammin'” “Oh God!” “Come at me bro.”

• “Disgusting! And I hoped I’d never have to say this but you finally topped your 10th grade sports banquet!” “Ok. First of all Mrs. Coach Mumford came onto me and second of all…what are we talking about?”

• “So help me God, Sterling. Sometimes I think that I’ve failed as a mother.” “Sometimes?”

• “My problem, besides your snide remarks, is Nikolai Jackov, head of the KGB.” “And also possibly Archer’s father.”

• “Damn that blabbermouthing Pam.” “What, what, what did she say? Besides the stuff about Jakov, which obviously is what you meant.”

• “Well, I’m sorry but if anybody ever found out I would die of shame.” “Well how do you think that makes me feel?” “I don’t care, Pam. Now having said that would you please come in this dirty toilet stall and have sex with me?” “Oh, alright. But this time get in there. All ya been doing is giving one side hell.”

• “If you’re quite finished” “Damn near.” “Then go home, sober up, and make sure your apartment is secure.” “Um, why? To all three of those?” “Because if and when Nikolai shows up here he’s not staying at my place.”

• “Thank you Boris! I won’t forget this.” “I promise myself I don’t cry. Promise broke.” Sniffs. “Hey? What was that?” “Allergies?

• “So contact our sleeper in New York, and then cancel all my meetings this week because I will also be in New York. Murdering people.”

• “Ahh, Nikolai, it’s not that I don’t- am not very fond of you. I mean we have such history together and” “And maybe a son.” “Mmmmm. Maybe.”

• “I’m serious. You are literally draining the life out of me.” “Come on. You make me sound like some kind of chupacabra, but for dicks.” “A terrifying, yet accurate comparison. Where’d you learn all that stuff?” “You know I grew up on a farm, right?” “Really hoping that’s not relevant.”

• “A little help.” “No, you’re good. The camera’s set up for the debriefing and one of us will relieve you in, like 8 hours.” “Wait! Where are you guys going?” “Uh, a town call work?”

• “So.” “Yeah?” “Sterlink.” “Yeah?” “Is long time.” “Yeah, when was ah – oh, I guess when I was in the dreaded Lubyanka with jumper cables clamped to my balls.”

• “So da, this is a little awkward.” “Yeah. Maybe some shots?” “Yeah, let’s try that.”

• “I should have been there for you.” “Shut up. Don’t do that. I mean what were you gonna do? Marry my mother? Have you met her?” “Don’t you ever disrespect her.” “You’re not my Dad.” Laughing. “How would you know?” “I know, right?” “But I have to say, you don’t look like me.” “And don’t take this the wrong way, but thank Christ.”

• “How strong are you?” “Insanely. Wanna get out of here?” “Oh my God, totally. But, like, it has to be your place because mine reeks of ocelot piss.” “I have no response to that.” “Doesn’t merit one.”

• “My point is, if you’re confident in yourself as a woman who cares if he wants to keep it on the DL.” “Well, yes, but-” “But nothing. Because who’s to say you’re not using him for sex?” “Pam. Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re not nearly as stupid as you look.”

• “Da da. Keep your shirt on.” “Barry doesn’t wear a shirt. Ruins Barry’s whole track suit vibe.”

• “Between Archer ruining my life and you dicks turning me into a cyborg I’m kind of amazed I’m even this sane, which is obviously a relative term but-” “Uh, what are you doing?” “Rationalizing my behavior.” “With gas?” “Oh, no. Killing you.”

• “This – glad you asked – is a block of ice with a fork frozen in it.” “What are you doing with it?” “I am putting this fork filled block of ice in this microwave oven. Now I’m setting the timer for 5, ah heck, let’s call it 10 minutes. Doesn’t matter. Ice can’t tell time.” “It can only melt.” “And when it does.” “Spark from fork. Gas from stove.” “Boom.” “And no DNA left for papa test.” “Nope. Just uncertainty and doubt, which hopefully over time will eventually drive Archer insane.” “This? This is your master plan?” “Huh? Oh, no. No this is a whole other awesome thing. This is just a goof.”

• “If you want me to keep doing you dirty on the down low-” “Yes, yes, yes, yes.” “Then we’re gonna have some ground rules.”

• “Hello? Hello? Oh, fo- mother. This isn’t voicemail. Mother come on. The time is exactly 7:16 and I wish they were, but even my voicemail pranks aren’t that elaborate. Mother?!” “Sterling?” “Leave it. Just kidding.”

• “What’s up?” “That was uh, my uh… the man who might’ve been my father just died.” “Awkward.” “And it’s all my fault because instead of doing my job I here… half-drunk and having amazing sex.” “Well, I wouldn’t say amazing. What? Come on. You were pushing rope.”

Archer airs Thursdays at 10/9c on FX.