What They Said: Favorite Quotes from Happy Endings “Cazsh Dummy Spillionaires” 

• “This is gonna be a perfect marriage…of adrenaline and danger. Now let’s base jump shall we?” “Ok.” “Ready?” “Yeah.” “Yeah?” “One..two…three…” “And I’m gonna take the stairs.”

• “How did she manage to fall around the landing?”

• “That was a massive fall and we should all thank our lucky stars that Penny made it out of there unscathed.” “Agreed.” “Amen.” “Thank God.” “Uh, friendos? I did not make it out unscathed. I’m extremely scathed.”

• “Now we don’t want to freak anyone out but Alex and Dave… are casually seeing each other.” “Oh we knew that.” “Gross.” “That is the least interesting pairing since chicken piscati and pinot gris. Sorry, I’ve been watching a lot of Frasier.”

• “Don’t worry. We’re not gonna let this thing get too serious because Alex and Dave, much like Dave’s new haircut, are keeping it cazsh.”

• “Trust us the last thing we want is for things to get complicated like in It’s Complicated so we’re gonna just go with it in like Just Go With It and be friends with benefits like in No Strings Attached.”

• “Can someone put this chip in my chip hole?”

• “It’s like a slinky with breasts.”

• “You guys, not cool. I died for two minutes in the ambulance.” “What?”

• “And you can start working on those hobbies you’ve been putting off forever.” “Right?” “Like your dance cooking and your candle making and I know you didn’t forget about this guy.” “Sinbrad!”

• “Yo mama so fat she died. Sorry, I… That was just more sad then anything.” “Yeah.”

• “I mean, I have been coming so hard home from work just cause I’m excited to have dinner with you.”

• “Ahhh. Man I love the workplace – fluorescent lights, stale coffee, and the sweet sound of men quoting classic comedies.”

• Yo yo. Here’s your drink…friend. Bro. Bro v. Wade. Bromaine lettuce.” “So what’s the damage on my bevvy? We go dutch. It’s more cazsh.” “Actually the drinks were free. That bartendress over there was flirting with me but I did not flirt back. I swear dawg.” “Oh, well. You know what? It’s totally cool because flirting is in bounds bro… lin comma James. Husband of Streisand comma Barbra.” “Ok ok Brovine Growth Hormone. Here’s to keeping it cazsh.” “Well, I’m out. You two have fun talking like two of Scott Caan’s groomsmen.”

• “We have your hot but not too hot tea. Your cool but not too cool pillow. And a crustless sando for baby.” “Oh, you’re so sweet for taking care of me Max. Oh, I hate to be this girl but I do see some residual crust on that sandwich. And I thought that I’d made myself pretty crystal clear when I told you I wanted zero crust whatsoever cause it hurts my teeth. Did you not feel I was clear?”

• “I have been busting my humps being your male nurse because I genuinely love these gift baskets. And to a lesser extent you. You know cause we’re best friends and we love each other and all that barf, but you are the worst patient ever.”

• “Well… two things you should know about me Kent – I’m selfless and have moves like Jagger, specifically the ones we allegedly used on David Bowie in the 70s.”

• “Whoa, Al. What is with this outfit? You look like the Olsen twins burnout brother Larry Kate Olsen.” “Come on. His middle name was also Kate?”

• “I’ll tell you what doesn’t count. The Miami Heat’s most recent NBA championship. It was a injury-plagued, strike-shortened season. Therefore LeBron still needs six rings to even get into a conversation with Jordan.” “Are you done?” “No. Also Chris Bosh looks like one of Omar’s boyfriends from The Wire.”

• “And Kent? Doc also prescribes that you’re gonna have to start showing up here in bike shorts and a Jim McMahon jersey from now on. Doc’s orders.” “Sounds like an odd request, but…I’m in.”

• “Also worked with Sinbrad for a while. Getting pretty bad at it, which is how Sinbrad says good because he’s got a 90s sensibility.” “You are so hot when you’re hobbying. I could just eat you up.” “How ’bout instead you eat my beef… bourguignon. I’ve been braising it all day.”

• “My cute little mister wife. My wifey. My girl. My little girl. My bitch. You bitch. Who’s my tiny, miniature bitch?” “Oh, all right.”

• “Why don’t you tell us how keeping it cazsh is going? Huh? You’re here uninvited. What’s Dave up to?”

• “That girl’s so whack her first name should be Nick Nack Patty. Awwwww snap.”

• “Bolivia. What do you know about Bolivia?” “I heard it’s beautiful. In fact, Lonely Planet calls it the house that Raul Julia built and I’m caught.” “I can believe you’ve been holding me hostage in my own body cast. You’re Misery-ing me.”

• “You sleepy-tead me.” “Mmmhmm. Sleepington’s. Nature’s lullaby. I guess now Kent will have to do all those streches he was supposed to do on you on me.” “But even four bags shouldn’t make me this tired.” “Mmmm. Lunesta. Nature’s Ambien.”

• “Do basically Alex and I are like Tango & Cazsh or Franklin & Cazsh or Rizzoli & Isles & Cazsh.”

• “I just stepped into a bubble bath. “Ah. That is a much better idea. I am gonna come so hard home right now and hop in that tub with you. Uhh, we could play loch ness monster.” “Ok.”

• “Just let me slip into something a little more naked.”

• “It’s my one-man experimental band called Yoko Uno.”

• “Kent! Max is Misery-ing me. He’s like Kathy Bates only way fatter!’

• “What makes you think she was born in a monster truck?” “She said she was from Florida.”

• “I’m sorry. It’s just, I’m boy-crazy right now. You know what that’s like. You would’ve done the same thing to me.” “What? I would never– oh. I actually did do the same thing to you. Wow, we really are perfect for each other. You sure you’re gay?” “You tell me. Right now I’m writing a Hot in Cleveland spec script and I just had sex with Kent in your powder room. So…” “All the best ones are gay.” “Or dating your friends.” “Zip it. I thought we were never gonna talk about my whole Dave thing.”

• “Spending all this time working with Sinbrad has made me realize something. He’s more than just a dummy.” “Oh.” “He’s the perfect metaphor for my life. You see Sinbrad is me. My job is my hand. Wait.” “Not your best.” “But I am done letting my work control me, ok?”

Happy Endings airs Tuesdays at 9/8c on ABC.