What They Said: Favorite Quotes from New Girl “Landline” 

Jess has a ladyboner for a new teacher, with a pretty inappropriate last name. I approve. Coach, ever the player, gets in trouble at school for dating (I’m using the term euphemistically here) two school employees at the same time. And Nick imagines himself a sort of secretary when they get a landline at the loft. Feeling disconnected from the guys lately, Nick uses the message Schmidt and Winston get to try to connect with them. It goes pretty well for Schmidt, but it’s a bit of a disaster for Winston.

Jess: “We’re just covering our asses…while you uncover yours. Sorry. That was an unfortunate joke.”

Schmidt: “Winston, how do you not know if you’d made love to someone?”

Coach: “I’m mad at you, Jess. Why’d you put me on blast like that?”
Jess: “Because you shouldn’t be sleeping with other teachers, Coach, let alone two. Who are you? Blanche from Golden Girls?”
Jess: “This is a school.”
Coach: “It’s a sexy place, Jess. Look at that CPR poster. It’s hot as crap.”
Jess: “What the…? Why aren’t they wearing shirts? Are they drinking wine? That’s it. I’m gonna need to have a talk with all the teachers about this. ”
Coach: “You’re just jealous because you’re not gettin’ any. When’s the last time anyone gave you CPR?”
Jess: “Well, I give it to myself at least once a month.”
Coach: “Oh.”
Jess: “To refresh. I’m talking about real CPR.”
Coach: “Oh.”

Nick: “Schmidt. Dry cleaner company called. Your socks are ready.”
Schmidt: “Oh, great. Not quite sure why we need to be on a conference call for this.”
Nick: “Not quite sure why you need to dry clean your socks, you weirdo. But we’ll get back to that. Winston, Judy called again and so I told her you weren’t feelin’ it.”
Winston: “Now why would you do that?”
Nick: “You said you were gonna dump her. It was a very difficult conversation for you. We all know how you are, so I just handled it. You’re welcome.”
Schmidt: “Hey, Nick. So I need to be on for this? Can I get off?”

Jess: “We’re here to address the school policies on inter-faculty relations. Some forms of touching, say a friendly handshake or a spirited pat are completely appropriate.”
Teacher: “What if you spill coffee on your pants and you’re very burned and upon getting your pants by paramedics you become aroused?”
Jess: “I’m truly hoping that didn’t happen.”
Teacher: “What if you’re in a situation where you either have to grab a teacher’s crotch or give narcotics to a student?”
Coach: “That’s a great question, man.”
Teacher: “Thanks, friend.”
Jess: “Not a great question. ”
Teacher: “What if you-”
Jess: “I’m done with you.”

Jess: “If you feel things getting sexual, just say ‘Shut it down.’ Followed by a sweeping gesture with your hands. Like such.”

Coach: “I’m more of a visual learner.”
Nurse: “Yeah you are.”

Jess: “Mr. Gazinya will now act out a sexual scenario.”
Ryan: “It’s ‘goes in you.’”
Jess: “I know. I know.”

Schmidt: “Oh my God!”
Cece: “What?”
Schmidt: “Too sexy.”
Winston: “Sounds good to me.”
Schmidt: “I’m on fire right now. This is a home. We’re not selling lubricant.”

Schmidt: “Oh my God. Will you not stop until the whole world is aroused?”

Schmidt: “I’m mad as a dad in traffic!”

Winston: “Schmidt, you probably burnt it out. I mean you listened to Cece’s message a hundred times.”
Schmidt: “And then I touched my peen.”

Schmidt: “I’m gonna take this machine back to 1993 and exchange it.”

Nick: “Knock, knock.”
Winston: “Who’s there?”
Nick: “The magazine. They called. They left a message. They want to do the interview today.”
Winston: “Why didn’t you say anything? This is super important to him. You know how much this interview meant to him.”
Nick: “Yeah, I know. Yeah.”
Winston: “First you break up with Judy and now this? Why are you so obsessed with answering the phone?”

Nick: “You have to talk to them.”
Winston: “Why do I have to talk to them?”
Nick: “Because even though you’re the most awkward person I’ve ever met, you’re magic on the phone and you know it.”

Winston: “I need a soda, I need a straw and I need to get horizontal so get out of my way.”

Jess: “Sometimes it’s hard to control your feelings, which I demonstrated by grabbing a man’s dujeels in front of the entire faculty.”
Coach: “Well I’m sorry for putting you in a position to grab that man’s dujeels. I don’t like saying dujeels. It’s weird. I call mine my Sam Jackson ‘cause it’s in everything.”

Jess: “I see your hand moving and I wish you’d wait ‘til I left the room.”
Nurse: “My bad.”

Jess: “My hands are staying behind my back. Don’t worry. I won’t even look at it. I mean, I’ve looked at it just ‘cause I said it, but I..”
Ryan: “Yeah, I was gonna ask you-”

Foster: “I have tried to corral these animals myself. It’s impossible.”
Jess: “Word.”
Foster: “These teachers are straight up hoes, dog. Sometimes you’ve just gotta let people follow their urges.”

Schmidt: “I mean, I always knew I was a bad boy. Now it’s in print and it’s official.”

New Girl airs Tuesdays at 9/8c on Fox.