What They Said: Favorite Quotes from Brooklyn Nine-Nine “Undercover” 

Before we get to my favorite quotes from the episode – and there are kind of a lot, so prepare yourself, let’s take a quick look at what when down in this season 2 premiere.

Jake’s back from his undercover assignment and apparently he didn’t miss that much while he was away. Captain Holt is running drills with the team, but he won’t tell them why until Terry manages to use the Captain’s own logic against him. Gina knows it’s just a matter of time before Charles spills the beans about their hookup, because he is incapable of keeping anything from Jake. He only manages to hold his tongue because he’s scared of her and they sleep together again — much to their mutual surprise and disgust. Peralta has to go back undercover to try to apprehend the one mobster who evaded capture during the FBI sting. Freddy still gets away, but at least Jake tried his best. He also tells Santiago he has feelings for her, again. He’s not trying to wreck her relationship, but he wants her to know.

Also, if you’re a Jenny Slate fan – and here at TV Goodness, we are – you’ll enjoy her guest star turn in the episode. We kind of hope we see her again and it’s possible we might since her boyfriend Freddy eluded capture. He may be looking for some payback if he figures out that Jake’s the rat.

As always, there are so many great lines that I had to write them down. You’re welcome.

Episode Title: “Undercover”
Written by: Luke Del Tredici

Peralta: “God, I missed this place. Let me just soak it in. Oh, yeah. Stale coffee, fingerprinting in, whatever Charles is fermenting in his desk.”

Peralta: “Alright. Fill me tell. Tell me everything I missed.”
Diaz: “It won’t take long, only three things happened. Terry chipped his tooth and had a lisp for a week. Number 2: Santiago and Boyle wore the same outfit to work one day. And Captain banned headphones from the office due to the Gina incident.”
Peralta: “Great recap.”

Holt: “Welcome back, Peralta.”
Peralta: “Captain.”
Holt: “Everyone has a lot of work so you have exactly two minutes to share personal anecdotes. Those two minutes began when you entered. You now have…12 seconds left.”
Peralta: “Challenge accepted. Undercover highlights: Fixed a boxing match, smoked a whole cigar without vomiting, was once in a room with ten guys named Sal and missed you all so very much. Everyone back to work!”

Peralta: “Can you talk in private for a sec? Okay. So, now that we are alone I have to ask. Did you arrest a perp named Joe Uterus?”
Santiago: “Oh my God, yes. I should’ve told you immediately. Perp name Hall of Fame, right?”
Peralta: Oh, yeah. “It’s right up there with Sylvester Stools and Janet Storkmuncher. But also, I just, I know we left things kind of weird. You know. Me saying that I liked you-”
Santiago: “I’m still with Teddy. Romantic styles.”
Peralta: “Oh. Good. Good. ‘Cause I was gonna say, ‘I know we left things weird because I said that I liked you, but that was a mistake,’ you know? I was nervous about going undercover. I think I just kinda freaked out and you were nearby, so…. I didn’t mean it.”

Gina: “Hey Charles. You pretty excited about Jake being back?”
Boyle: “Yeah. It’s like when I was a kid and my grandma come home from the hospital, only better because Jake’s not unresponsive.”
Gina: “Every time you talk I hear that sound that plays when Pac-Man dies. Charles, I’m concerned you’re gonna tell Jake about the incident. Nobody can never know that we had sex, alright? I have spent years cultivating a reputation as someone who sleeps with bike messengers or better.”
Boyle: “Look, I don’t want people finding out about it either. I don’t want to be known as the office slut.”
Gina: “Yeah, well Jake’s back and you tell him everything.”

Boyle: “I got aroused last night watching a nature documentary on bees. I was fine until they went inside the hive.”

Peralta: “Bureau. FBI lingo for FBI.”
Holt: “Yes. I’ve been a cop for thirty years. And I’ve seen movies.”
Peralta: “Roger that.”

Holt: “I have to ask. Do you think awesome begins with an ‘o.'”
Peralta: “Yes?”

Peralta: “But Freddy’s like the worst of all those guys. Extortion, terrible breath, murder. I put terrible breath too high on that list. I should go back undercover, see if any of my contacts can tell me where he is.”

Peralta: “Boyle, we’re going undercover.”
Boyle: “You look amazing. But you smell really bad.”
Peralta: “That’s my cologne. Welcome to the Mafia.”

Boyle: “Hey, when you were undercover did you, like, have a Mafia best friend? I’m not jealous. I’m just wondering.”
Peralta: “Ah, I don’t know. I guess I did a bunch of jobs with a guy named Derek.”
Boyle: “Great. Great. Derek. Sounds like a great guy.”
Peralta: “Charles, don’t do this to your alright?”
Boyle: “Ok. Fine.”

Peralta: “Benny might think I’m a rat, so I’ll go in and talk to him then you come in a minute later with your badge out, pick and fight with me and punch me in the face.”
Boyle: “No. I could never hurt you Jake.”
Peralta: “Well, you gotta hit me somewhere.”
Boyle: “Fine. It’ll be the balls then.”

Santiago: “Captain, I hate to be harsh but I think that these drills are slightly unnecessary, possibly. Although you are the boss and your judgement is impeccable and I guess what I am trying to say is thank you.”
Diaz: “I agree. With the stuff about the drills, not the spineless ass-kissing.”
Terry: “Sir, I think it would help if we knew why we were doing these drills.”
Holt: “Because I ordered you to.”

Holt: “Resume the drill Timmy and do not do or say anything that a 7 year-old boy would not do or say. Feel free to consult the script I’ve prepared.”
Terry: “Okay, but it’s a little stilted. ‘I am feeling trepidation at the prospect of a parentless existence?’ No kid talks like that.”
Holt: “Those lines were lifted verbatim from my boyhood diary. Resume the drill!”

Hitchcock: “What’s going on? You never eat with us or talk to us.”
Scully: “I accidentally smiled at you last week and you shined a laser pointer into my eye and screamed, ‘Perv.'”
Gina: “Yeah, well. Something’s about to be revealed that’s gonna change my social standing forever. I’m one of you know. Prettier and different and better, but one of you.”
Hitchcock: “This is great. With three people we can have a real massage train now.”
Gina: “Ugh.”

Boyle: “I am so sorry.”
Peralta: “What the hell, Boyle? What the hell happened?”
Boyle: “I, I was stressed about hitting you and my mind disassociated from my body. I don’t even know what I did.”
Peralta: “Oh, well let me remind you. You punched me, kicked me, spat on me and then you said-”
Boyle: “There’s more where that came from. I gotta real wet mouth.”

Boyle: “You gotta admit, it’s a pretty tough line.”
Peralta: “No it’s not. It’s weird and sexual, and not the a good way.”

Peralta: “Time to get back into character. Cologne me, bro.”
Boyle: “‘K. Here we go.”
Peralta: “It stings. The cuts. It stings, it stings.”
Boyle: “I can’t stop hurting you. What is wrong with me?”

Peralta: “Alright! Don’t shoot. That’s how people get shot.”
Bianca: “Just shut up. Shut up!”
Boyle: “NYPD! Drop your weapon. Alright Bianca. What do you know about a buy named Derek?”
Peralta: “Charles, no!”

Bianca: “I’m not gonna sell out Freddie. We’re in love. He introduced me to his children as his favorite assistant.”
Peralta: “Come on. He has a dozen mistresses and six girlfriends.”
Bianca: “Freddie loved me. He implied that many times. There’s nobody else, okay?”
Peralta: “Yeah, there is. I just wish I could remember who. So many people were sleeping with each other. It’s kinda hard to keep track. I actually thought of a song that helps me remember. Let’s see. It goes Mario is doin’ it with Teresa. Teresa is doin’ it with Paulie.”
Bianca: “I knew that.”
Peralta: “Paulie is doin’ it with Lisa and Lisa’s doin’ it with Anthony.”
Boyle: “I really like this song. Did you come up with the melody?”
Peralta: “I’m pretty sure I did. Freddie is cheating with Bianca G, but also with her younger sister Valerie.”
Bianca: “No.”
Perlata: “Oh yeah. I saw them together. That’s why it’s in the song.”

Santiago: “Oh my God. What is on your sweater?”
Gina: “As everyone knows, my spirit animals is nature’s greatest predator: the wolf. But I committed a horrible sexual blunder and I’m no longer wolf-worthy. My spirit animal is now this. The naked mole rat. God’s disgusting mistake.”
Santiago: “Yeah. It’s pretty ugly.”
Gina: “Hey! Only I get to talk about my spirit animal that way. You don’t get to say that. Come on Amy.”

Holt: “I don’t know what’s going on down at police headquarters and no one will tell me anything.”
Terry: “So, you’re saying that not knowing what your bosses are up to is driving you a little crazy.”
Holt: “You’ve used my logic against me. Well played, Timmy. Well played.”

Peralta: “Look. This man was on board. I have to follow him, so I need to commandeer one of these planes. What’s the easiest one for a complete beginner to fly?”

Boyle: “Let’s go get that drink. Because there’s a surprise party and it’s my job to get you to the bar. I mean it’s my job to get someone to the bar for your surprise party. Dammit!”
Peralta: “There it is.”

The department: “Surprise!”
Peralta: “What? No way! I am floored by this. Charles, you tricked me.”
Holt: “Boyle told you, didn’t he?”
Peralta: “Without any prompting.”
Holt: “Welcome to your party. Does anyone have a few words they’d like to say?”
Peralta: “No one say anything. I want him to say stuff. Speech for Jake. Speech for Jake. Go.”
Holt: “Very well. Your six month absence was noted.”
Peralta: “Yes.”
Holt: “Drinks are on me. There’s a two drink maximum per person.”
Peralta: “Ah, here he goes.”
Holt: “It is non-transferable. Your guests will pay their own tab.”
Peralta: “Oh, yeah.”
Holt: “Valet parking is not included.”
Peralta: “Solid protocol.”
Holt: “Tomorrow’s briefing will be fifteen minutes earlier than usual.”
Peralta: “He’s so bad at it.”
Holt: “And I’m very proud of you, Peralta. We missed you.”
Peralta: “Ah. You ruined it.”

Peralta: “Hey, so listen. The thing I said to you before I went undercover about how I had wished something happened between us romantically? That wasn’t nothing. That was real.”
Santiago: “What are you saying?”
Peralta: “I know that you’re with Teddy. I’m not trying to change that and I get there’s stuff I can’t control, but this morning I told you that I didn’t mean any of it and that was a lie. I just don’t want to hold anything back.”
Santiago: “Well, thank you for saying that. Just as long as we’re clear that I’m with someone and nothing’s gonna happen.”
Peralta: “I’m with someone, nothing’s gonna happen. Name of your sex tape.”
Santiago: “He’s back.”

Boyle: “Neat sweater.”
Gina: “Ugh. Did you tell Jake yet?”
Boyle: “Nope.”
Gina: “Really? You told him about his own surprise party.”
Boyle:”Mmhm. First change I got. But I had tons of chances to tell him about what happened six months ago and I didn’t.”
Gina: “Why not?”
Boyle: “I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.”
Gina: “Eww. Pump the brakes, Charles.”
Boyle: “Because I’m terrified of you and what you’ll do to me.”
Gina: “Oh. That’s sweet. Well then. Sounds like our nightmare is finally over.”

Brooklyn Nine-Nine airs Sundays at 8:30/7:30c on FOX.