What They Said: Favorite Quotes From New Girl “The Captain” 

New Girl “The Captain”
Wirter: J.J. Philbin

Jess: “What’s happening here is amazing. Like I want to film it, but I don’t want to film it ’cause that would be porn. And that time I think I figured out what that thing underneath the thing was.”
Nick: “Yeah you did.”
Jess: “And woah. Right?”

Jess: “Hey should we take a break and talk about our childhood’s or something? You know get in there, get into it, get into each other’s heads, dreams, thoughts, fears, feelings.”
Nick: “I’m in.”
Jess: “No?”
Nick: “I’m gonna throw a curveball. I’m gonna go banana it and I’ll be ready for round two.”
Jess: “Define banana it.”
Nick: “Eat a banana?”
Jess: “Oh good. I was worried for a second.”

Schmidt: “What are Nick and Jess doing in there? And how it is this loud? Nick’s body is soft it should absorb sound.”
Winston: “They’re just getting warmed up Schmidt. It’s a whole new ballgame around here. You. See you wouldn’t know that because you haven’t been here in weeks, but now that you’re single. Yeah, you gotta deal with this too. Dumped by two women in the same day Schmidt. That has gotta be a record.”
Schmidt: “I get it alright. I lost two perfect women, but I’m fine with it. Alright? I’m fine.”

Schmidt: “This is my home too. I shouldn’t have to be faced with their stupid happy relationship everywhere I look. This is going to stop Winston and I’m gonna stop it.”

Winston: “Watch your butt Furguson.”

Schmidt: “Every couple has a weakness. Kate and Will? I could break them up with one email. Oh look at that. Look at the royal baby now living with slutty Aunt Pippa.”
Winston: “I’m telling you they’re bulletproof.”

Jess: “I like your chewing face.”
Winston: “It’s just food. Yeah, that’s all it is. Okay people?”
Jess: “I know it’s super annoying to be around a couple.”
Winston: “It’s not me. It’s him.”
Nick: “Who? Oh.”

Winston: “Yeah. We had a tough day toad at the V-E-T. Yeah. He said he’s gonna have to get …it rhymes with fluetered. The word is neutered.”
Nick: “Cats don’t speak English.”
Winston: “Furguson is never gonna experience actual physical love-making.”
Jess: “I think you’re a little too into your cat.”
Winston: “He should be out there. Getting all crazy. Getting his freak on. I feel bad man. I don’t know what to do.”
Nick: “Let’s try to help. We got three smart people here. We all know we gotta get Furguson laid, right?”
Jess: “Right.”
Nick: “Cat bachelor party.”
Jess: “That’s right.”
Nick: “What do you think?”
Jess: “Yeah, we can get some little cat strippers.”
Nick: “Big booty cats, little booty cats. Some tabbies, some black ones, some white ones. We’ll mix it up. Get a couple siamese. Get weird with it.”
Jess: “Yeah.”
Winston: “Get him laid.”
Nick: “You know we’re kidding.”
Jess: “We’re kidding.”
Winston: “Sure sure. Gottcha. It’s happening.”

Jess: “Is that a cake? Why do you have a sheet cake?”
Nick: “Don’t eat the cake, Jess.”
Jess: “What is that? Vanilla and vanilla?”

Nick: “You said you wanted to break us up. You said you didn’t care if it took your whole life.”

Schmidt: “You’re really great together.”
Jess: “I don’t trust him.”
Nick: “I know. It’s Schmidt we’re talking about. After we saw the movie Titanic he started the Billy Zane fan club.”
Jess: “What?”
Nick: “Look it up. They’re called the Zaniacs.”
Jess: “Why does that make me angrier than anything he’s ever done?”

Jess: “What’s wrong?”
Nick: “Nothing.”
Jess: “Uh oh. Looks like we have a little Groundhog Day situation.”

Jess: “How about we-”
Nick: “Shh. Oh I had it.”

Jess: “Well at least the sun managed to get up.”
Nick: “I have to go move my car.”
Jess: “I’m kidding. But I’m kidding! Are we not kidding about this?

Fatty’s Owner: “Who are you here to pick up?”
Winston: “Well actually my boy cat is looking for a girl cat.”
F.O.: “Oh. Well I might know a girl cat who’s looking for a boy cat.”
Winston: “Oh yeah?”
F.O.: “Mmhm.”
Winston: “Well does the girl cat have all her parts?”
F.O.: “Um. Yeah.”
Winston: “Yes? Uh ok. Well um maybe, I don’t know, she could come over sometime?”
F.O.: “Our cats could go on a date?”
Winston: “Yes. You get it. You know everyone else thought I was being weird. So how often do you groom your cat?”

Schmidt: “Nick looks exhausted. You guys obviously had a good night.”
Jess: “Yeah um…I. We didn’t sleep much.”
Schmidt: “Of course you didn’t you mangy little stray.”

Schmidt: “If you did have a Nick problem, I probably could help you out. You know my diploma days that I majored in communications, but my heart says that i majored in Nicholas studies. I’m just saying.”

Jess: “Last night Nick struggled with impotence. Oh my God. I’m not talking to you about this.”
Schmidt: “Jess look. I get it. You don’t want my help, but just do me a favor please. Let me know when you’re mad at me anymore so I can tell you about how men crave danger and variety in their sexual lives. I just hope it’s not too late. Fingers crossed.”
Jess: “What are you talking about? I mean I don’t care, but if I did…theoretically.”

Jess: “What’s the Captain?”
Schmidt: “Well it starts off with…but you want to clean yourself off immediately. I mean immediately. And then you…how comfortable are you with racial slurs? Then you…. That’s basically it.”
Jess: “That’s what Nick wants in bed?”

Schmidt: “Hey Winston, I think I found a way to…”
Winston: “You wanna try some catnip?”
Schmidt: “This is a real bummer.”

Jess: “I only did that because Schmidt told me it was your favorite thing…”
Nick: “Did you say ’cause Schmidt said?”

Jess: “Who was I supposed to talk to Nick? Every time I tried to you about your penis problems you went to move your car.”
Nick: “Those aren’t penis problems. What is- did you walk to Winston about my penis problems?”
Jess: “He wasn’t around.”
Nick: “What about Cece? Did she get a call?”
Jess: “Schmidt told me he had a PhD in Nickology.”
Nick: He doesn’t. There’s no such thing.”
Jess: “We have to talk about our feelings because we’re together.”

Jess: “This is Schmidt getting in our heads. I’m gonna kill him!”
Nick: “Jessica. Wait.”

Jess: “You set us up. I’ve done things to Nick I can’t ever undo.”
Schmidt: “See? Your fatal flaw. Communication. You won’t shut up about your feelings and the only thing this dummy wants to talk about is the Chicago Brown Bears.”
Nick: “it’s just the Chicago Bears. There’s no brown-”
Schmidt: “Who cares? I put a pebble in your path and the two of you cracked your tiny little skulls on it. Oh, by the way. How was the Captain? Did you make it all the way to the spyglass?”

Jess: “Ok. I’ve…I’ve never seen this sober before so-”
Nick: “Stop. It’s my turn. You talk too much and it frustrates me.”

Nick: “I really like you.”
Jess: “I like you too.”
Nick: “And it’s been a month and I’m not scared. Unless you’re doing the Captain and then I experience very real fear and it’s very visceral-”
Jess: “Just kiss me.”
Schmidt: “No kissing in the living room!”

Nick: “Put down my condoms.”
Jess: “Pull it together Schmidt.”
Schmidt: “It’s raining celibacy. Hallelujah!’
Nick: “You’re losing it man.”
Schmidt: “If I’m not having sex in this loft, nobody’s having sex in this loft.”

Fatty’s Owner: “Is he eating birth control pills?”
Schmidt: “Friday! Full wheel bitches. I win. I don’t feel good.”

Jess: “Schmidt. I just looked it up. There’s no way estrogen works that fast.”
Schmidt: “You don’t know my body.”

Schmidt: “I am so aware of my nipples right now.”

Jess: “It’s kinda like I’m a young nun. And Nick is my sexy monseigneur. And I’m a…I’m just gonna shut up.”
Schmidt: “Both of you need to shut up ok? You’re having sex, not inventing it. It can’t be that good.”
Jess: “it’s good.”
Winston: “Stop saying ‘Squeeze my biscuits.’ I’m serious Nick.”
Nick: “Sorry.”
Winston: “And Schmidt stop taking it out on everybody else man. Deal with your breakups. Ain’t no way in hell I got a cat brothel going on in my room and I’m the only normal person in this loft.”

Jess: “I love that you can express your feelings now.”
Nick: “Yeah, it’s a weird feeling. it’s kinda like gross but also good.”

Jess: “You know the other great thing about talking about our feelings is that we don’t need to do it all the time.”
Nick: “Thank you for expressing that. I feel like I can see you…in 3D vision.”
Jess: “Everyone sees in 3D. So would you like to take my bra off or should I?”
Nick: “See, I feel excited to take your bra off.”
Jess: “So do it.”
Nick: “I love your breasts. Just mixing it up with those two things. I’m not even nervous to do it.”
Jess: “So do it.”
Nick: “I feel excited to make-”
Jess: “Let’s do this.”
Nick: “Ok yeah. Right now.”

New Girl airs Tuesdays at 9/8c on Fox.