What They Said: Favorite Quotes From Brooklyn Nine-Nine “M.E. Time” 

Episode Title: “M.E. Time”

Santiago’s Date: “Your boss seems really nice.”
Santiago: “He’s not my boss.”
Peralta: “Yes I am.”

Boyle: “I just got a DOA on Bessemer Street.”
Terry: “You’re the primary. You’re in charge. Take Diaz and Peralta.”
Boyle: “Yes. My fantasy threesome…cops on a case.”

Santiago: “You can’t give up control. You’re terrible at taking your primary’s orders. You just do whatever you want. I could go on and on and on.”
Peralta: “Something no lover of yours has ever said.”
Boyle: “Blamo.”

Peralta: “Look. I can be an amazing secondary and I’ll prove it.”
Boyle: “I know you will Jake in a Box.”
Peralta: “Don’t ever call me that again. I’m driving. We should leave now. Carry my bag…but you should pick the music, primary.”

Santiago: “It’s a great picture sir.”
Holt: “I hate it.”
Santiago: “Me too. It’s terrible. Throw it away.”

Holt: “Are you bowing?”
Santiago: “No. This is how I walk.”
Diaz: “What do you need Quasimodo? I gotta go meet Boyle and Peralta.”
Santiago: “Is there something wrong with the Captain? It seems like he’s in a bad mood.”
Diaz: “I don’t know. How could tell?”
Diaz: “You alright Captain? Tough weekend?”
Holt: “I went to Barbados with my husband. We wove hats out of palm fronds and swam with the stingrays. I’ve never been happier.”
Diaz: “Guy’s impossible to read. Don’t even try.”

Boyle: “Any signs of forced entry or a struggle?”
Arnie: “No.”
Peralta: “You sure about that? Looks like maybe his belt had a pretty epic struggle with his stomach.”

Peralta: “This case is open and shut. Just like his mouth was constantly. That was my last fat joke. Ok?”

Santiago: “Hey Sgt. You know how you’re really good at, um doodling?”
Terry: “I know you think you’re complimenting me, but calling them doodles is an insult. You a big fan of Picasso’s doodles?”

Santiago: “He’s in a bad mood.”
Terry: “Is he? I can never read him.”
Terry: “You look chipper Captain. You have a fun weekend?”
Holt: “There was a small fire in my home. I lost many photo albums of treasured memories. I’m devastated.”

Santiago: “M’am. Can you please describe the perp to Sgt. Jeffords?”
Victim: “Yeah, he had um dark curly hair and a neck tattoo and-”
Terry: “Wait, wait, wait. Slow down. Let’s start with the eyes. Were they desperate? Lonely? Did they betray heartache?”
Witness: “They were brown.”
Terry: “Do you even want your purse back?”

Peralta: “Can I ask you guys something? Can you keep a secret?”
Diaz: “Do you know anything about my life?”
Peralta: “No I do not. Good point.”

Peralta: “You know the new medical examiner. I kind of had sex with her last night.”
Santiago: “What?”
Peralta: “Oh sorry. I forgot who I was talking to. Sex is something two adults do with their bodies when they’re attracted to each other.”
Diaz: “He’s right Santiago. Do you not know that?”

Peralta: “Back to last night. As you would imagine I’m normally up for pretty much anything in the bedroom, but I can’t tell if what happened was weird or sexy.”

Diaz: “Not that weird.”
Peralta: “Cold? Like a dead guy?”
Santiago: “You’re reading into that.”
Peralta: “Am I?”

Medical Examiner: “You have a really nice chest.”
Peralta: “Thank you.”
M.E.: “I’d like to crack it open and get my hands are over your organs.”

Peralta: “Rosa, what’s your call? Weird or sexy?”
Diaz: “Weird.”
Peralta. “I knew it. But also kinda sexy?”
Diaz: “No. Weird.”

Santiago: “Sarge, all of these are fine. How much longer you gonna work on this?”
Terry: “It’s questions like that that made Van Gogh cut off his ear. You can’t put a clock on art. Ten minutes.”

Scully: “How do you even know he’s in a bad mood? I mean it’s impossible to read that guy.”
Holt: “This is the most incompetent, worthless report I have ever read in my life! Get your act together or so help me God, you won’t live to see retirement!”
Scully: “It’s like, what’s that guy thinking? You know?”

Scully: “Captain Holt’s not gay. Captain Holt’s gay?”
Santiago: “Seriously man. Just retire.”

Diaz: “Jake went to get the autopsy report?”
Boyle: “I know. Isn’t he the best? I mean, he’s really coming into his own as a secondary. I want to get him a thank-you present. Does he come across as more of a Pinot guy or more of a Shiraz?”

Peralta: “Ok, fine. I will act as your assistant because I am a wonderful secondary. How gross could it be?”

Terry: “Scully. Get me my oils.”
Scully: “Paint or massage? I’ll get both.”

Santiago: “Knock knock.”
Holt: “You can knock with your hands. Saying it is ridiculous.”

Santiago: “You know we’re birds of a feather you and I.”
Holt: “I hate cliches.”

Diaz: “You sure you’re not just sneaking off for more weird dead guy sex?”
Peralta: “We will never speak of that again. Ever.”

Diaz: “I hate small talk. Let’s drink in silence.”
Boyle: “Perfect.”

Brooklyn Nine-Nine airs Tuesdays at 8:30/7:30c on Fox.