What They Said: Favorite Quotes from Brooklyn Nine-Nine “Fancy Brugdom” 

Brooklyn Nine-Nine “Fancy Brugdom”
Writer:  Laura McCreary

Terry: “Alright gang. Diet day 4. How’s everyone holding up?”
Gina: “Honestly I’m going to last forever. You hear that bitches? I’m gonna last forever.”

Holt: “What’s going on? Why do you all having matching bags?”
Terry: :We’re doing a diet together. My wife found it. She heard about it at Mommy and Me graphic design. Wait. It might have been toddler karate.”

Holt: “You’re on all perfect shape.”
Terry: “You can always be healthier, sir.”
Santiago: “And I like the challenge.”
Terry: “Plus it’s good team building. We’re gonna get through this together. Hey guys, pro tip. Like the baggie. There’s food molecules in there.”

Boyle: “Drink it Jake. Drink it.”
Peralta: “What’s up your tiny sleeve? Oh. Why is there a bow tie in here? Wait a minute.
Boyle: Jake Peralta will you be my best man?”

Peralta: “I was hoping that my best man duties would be all whisky and cigars, but this is Charles we’re talking about so we’ve got two straight days of wedding planning plus he gave me this to prep. Fancy Brudgom. It means fancy groom in Danish. According to Charles the Danes throw the most beautiful weddings in the world and the most violent funerals.”
Santiago: “This does not look like something you’d be into.”

Boyle: “Let’s do this.”
Peralta: “There he is. My groom!”
Boyle: “Hello my big, beautiful BM.”
Peralta: “Best man. Just best man is fine.”
Boyle: “I hope you’re rested. We’re gonna be on our feet all day.”
Peralta: “I am totally prepared. I even bought some nurse shoes.”

Diaz: “Hey Deetmore. If you’re gonna bag evidence like a 5 year-old, you should have the proper tools. It’s a ‘my first police kit.’ The walkie-talkie blows bubbles. I hope you can handle it.”

Holt: “You humiliated Officer Deetmore in front of his peers. He submitted an official complaint against you.”
Diaz: “Did he fill it out in crayon?”
Holt: “No. But he did use a green pen, which seems crazy to me.”

Boyle: “Jake I gotta tell ya. Engaged life is amazing, especially sexually.”
Peralta: “Well, I don’t want to pry.”
Boyle: “You’re not prying. I want you to know this.”
Peralta: “No.”
Boyle: “Vivian and I have a wonderful intercourse itinerary that we have planned.”

Peralta: “Hot. Hot. Spicy cake. Why?”
Boyle: “That’s Habanero pepper frosting because our marriage is going to sizzle.”

Boyle: “Ok. Be kind. I don’t have a model’s body like you.”
Peralta: “Come on. Show me what you got.”
Boyle: “Fred Astaire. Gene Kelly.”
Peralta: “Liberace. Diane Keaton.”
Boyle: “Roger that.”

Boyle: “One question. Can you see my underwear?”
Peralta: “Ah. Thong. Why are you wearing a thong?”
Boyle: “It’s my something borrowed.”
Peralta: “Get back in there.”

Terry: “Damn Gina!”
Santiago: “What is that?”
Gina: “It’s a sloppy Jessica. Mac n cheese, chili, pizza on a bun. It’s everything I’ve wanted to eat for the last 48 hours.”
Terry: “What happened? I thought you were gonna ‘last forever bitches.'”
Gina: “Turns out I gave up easy. You hear that bitches? I gave up so easy.”

Peralta: “What is that? Some sort of marriage license thingy?”
Boyle: “Oh no. It’s my retirement paperwork.”
Peralta: “What? Shut up. What?”
Boyle: “Yeah. Vivian got a job in suburban Ottawa. She wants me to retire from the NYPD and go with her.”
Peralta: “Retire? Boyle we’re supposed to die on the force together. Me in a big explosion and you committing suicide at my funeral out of respect.”
Boyle: “I know. But Vivian needs to make this move for her career. And I’m excited to go. I mean, suburban Ottawa’s great. It was everything Brooklyn does.”
Peralta: “Really?”
Boyle: “Yes. Other than my job and my friends and my family, you, interesting people, museums, restaurants and every other reason that I have to live.”

Peralta: “You know, can we actually cool it on the testicles for a minute?”
Hugo: “No. I’m on the testicle part.”

Hugo: “No deep breaths. It makes the testicles clap.”

Holt: “Detective Diaz. How is your apology to Officer Deetmore coming?”
Diaz: “I’ve been working on a letter to send him.”
Holt: “Yes. I saw a draft of it on your desk.”
Diaz: “What did you think?”
Holt: “It was so horrifying I had to destroy the whole pad.”

Terry: “Still working on that afternoon almond?”
Santiago: “I’ve been sucking on it so long it’s smooth. It’s like sea glass.
Terry: You do you.”

Santiago: “Sorry? You bumbling son of a bitch. You just ruined my life. I hope you get hit by a truck and a dog takes a dump on your face.”
Terry: “Nothing to see here. Just a little hypoglycemic rage. Move along.”

Peralta: “You could do anything including, but not limited to, talking to Vivian.”
Boyle: “Right. Right. Right.”
Peralta: “Look. I know it’s gonna be hard and she might even get mad at you. i promise you you’ll be back to doing weird sex stuff together in no time.”

Gina: “Lick, lick, lick. It’s an ice-cream cone.”
Terry: “You can’t tempt me, traitor. Not when I got this big, juicy cantaloupe wedge to keep me company. It’s so think I can see through it. Santiago. Come over here so this looks bigger in your tiny hand.”

Diaz: “Officer Deetmore. I came down here to say ‘I’m sorry.'”
Deetmore: “Oh good. Go ahead.”
Diaz: “No that was it. I did it. I said, ‘I’m sorry.’ Hey I said it again. Now I got one in the bank so I can do whatever I want to you.”
Deetmore: “What are you even sorry for?”
Diaz: “Come on man. I said the words. I paused afterwards. I averted my gaze to make you feel like the alpha.”
Deetmore: “Yeah, but you didn’t mean it. I’d like you to apologize like you mean it.”
Diaz: “Fine. I’m sorry you screwed up my case. I’m sorry you’re a terrible cop. I’m sorry for your goat face and your rodent brain and your weird goose body. I meant all of that. I hope you feel better.”

Vivian: “Jake you’re so sweet. Charles told me you insisted that I come to breakfast.”
Peralta: “Because of it being such an important one. Meal, I mean.”
Vivian: “You know that in ancient Egypt peasants drank beer for breakfast?”
Peralta: “Oh. That explains why all their buildings were crooked. Charles, can I see you in the bathroom for a second? Got a mole on my back that needs a-looking at and Charles has eyes.”
Boyle: “I do.”

Boyle: “I tried talking to her just like we practiced, but every time I bring up Ottawa.  she says how excited she is about our future. Then we made love.”
Peralta: “Don’t say ‘made love.'”
Boyle: “Fine, we had wonder-sex.”
Peralta: “I don’t want to know what that is.”

Boyle: “Wait, don’t go. I still have to pee.”
Peralta: “Why would I stay for that?”

Terry: “Go back inside!”
Gina: “Are you talking to us or the farts?”

Holt: “A real leader doesn’t zap people when they mess up. They teach them how to fix the problem. I think you’re a leader. So act like one.”
Diaz: “I’ll try. I’m sorry.”
Holt: “Please, Diaz. No need to make a scene.”

Santiago: “I can’t believe he’s moving to Canada.”
Peralta: “I know. And I tried to help him and he fully threw me under the bus. So I quit as best man.”
Santiago: “Jake.”
Peralta: “What? I did everything right. I was loyal, I put up with all his dumb ideas, his spicy cake, his champagne made out of olives, reading his vows as a recipe. One teaspoon eternal love, a dash of peeing with the door open.”
Santiago: “Ok. That’s hard to hear.”

Santiago: “I think he needs his farm lover.”
Peralta: “It’s pronounced ‘for-lohver.’ I don’t have time to teach you Danish. I gotta go help Charles.”

Peralta: “Charles, get in the car.”
Boyle: “No. Go go heck. Don’t siren me. You quit on me as best man. I’m not talking to you.”
Peralta: “Police. Stop walking.”
Boyle: “Grr. I hate that I’m so by the book.”
Peralta: “Listen Boyle. You’re not handing in those retirement papers without telling Vivian how you feel. I won’t let you.”
Boyle: “Oh really? And how are you gonna stop me?”
Peralta: “Baton to the knee.”

Diaz: “Hey Deetmore. I’m sorry for making fun of you in front of everybody. And also for making fun of you behind your back.”
Deetmore: “Didn’t know you did that, but thank you for the apology.”
Diaz: “I’m not done. Also, I’m sorry for making fun of you during my book club. Those people don’t even know you. That was uncool. Also, I’m sorry I-”
Deetmore: “It’s ok. I get it.”
Diaz: “No. Also, I’m sorry that I didn’t take the time to show you how to fix your mistake. Come on. We can go over it upstairs.”
Deetmore: “Thanks. That’d be great.”
Diaz: “Oh. One more sorry. You’re about to see a drawing I did of you in the elevator. Just remember I was really pissed at you at the time.”

Santiago: “We are still a team. We will keep you from eating so you can support your wife.”
Terry: “Thank you team.”
Santiago: “However, just to be clear Gina and I are still gonna eat.”
Gina: “I’m eating right now Terry. Corndog.”

Boyle: “Your duties as best man aren’t over yet.”
Peralta: “What? Whisky and cigars.”
Boyle: “Thanks for being the best best man.”
Peralta: “To the fancy brudgom. Ah ah. Spicy. Why is that spicy?”

Brooklyn Nine-Nine airs Tuesdays at 9:30/8:30c on Fox.