What They Said: Favorite Quotes from Archer “Drift Problem” 

Episode: “Drift Problem”

• It’s ok. I’ll just wait here while you go make me a whole new birthday breakfast not covered in garbage.” “It’s not garbage sir, it’s-” “-scraps of paper Woodhouse, which by definition, yes, is garbage.”

• “I wonder what the guys in the office have planned for my birthday. Wonder if Fudgie the Whale will be there. Or Cookie Puss. Cookie Puss. Those guys at Carvel know what they’re doing.”

• “Is that Archer?’ “Yes, but I have to warn you I don’t like…surprises?” “Or doing your share of work apparently.” “Who likes that?”

• “Does nobody seriously know what today is?” “Tuesday?” “The rapture?”

• “Oh, I can feel it. I can feel your power. What’s that? You want me inside you?” “Sterling.” “You know my name?” “Sterling!”

• “I believe a ‘thank you’ is in order.” “Mother, oh my God yes. Thank you.” “And not just, well mostly me of course but Dr. Krieger helped too.” “Well only if by helped you mean oversaw the design of the world’s most insanely kick-ass spy car.” “It’s a spy car?!”

• “What else does it do?” “Press that red button.” “I, wait. Is it gonna kill everybody?” “Press that blue button.” “Welcome Mr. Archer.” “It does know my name!”

• “Well, come on. Give your mom a hug.” “No, I don’t think that’s really-” “-possible. Um. At all.” “Why not?” “Oh God, he’s got an erection.”

• “So I hope this doesn’t sound weird, but I uh. I kind of want to have sex with you. Is that alright? Ugh! Seriously, Dodge? Apple juice? Not you, the car obviously, but the blond genie woman who lives inside you that talks. So, what do I call you? Hello? Genie. It’s me. Master. Wait a minute was that just a lame pre-recorded video? Or are you pouting for some reason? Fine. Then pout. But that totally wasn’t my fault. You shouldn’t even be able to put the car in gear with the bar open. Besides the danger of drunk driving it’s obviously a huge design flaw. Which is why now you’re all sticky! Which, I’m sorry for that. Once we get you parked I’ll clean you up and wipe you down with a fine chamois. And, also quit talking to you because now I’m pretty sure that was just a recording. I mean, it was right? Whatever. Either way I’m done talking.”

• “So clean all the broken glass and the sticky apple juice then I need all new glassware, some real liquor, uh. Oh. There’s a grappling hook in the street. Get that. Then find out where to buy caltrops.”

• “Um, did you decide to start talking to me? Nothing Woodhouse. What do you want? Ugh. It’s black. Powerful. Sexy. Like if Ron O’Neal was a car.”

• “No, no no no no no no.” “Sir? What are you-” “I thought maybe she had some sort of cloaking device.”

• “And this was obviously a very high-end ring of car thieves so now I have to go undercover in the high end car thief whatever underworld and steal Genie back.” “Sounds dangerous sir.” “Not nearly as dangerous as mother finding out I lost my birthday present.”

  

• “And you let her do it.” “I-” “I’m kidding. You couldn’t have stopped her. She would have snapped your spine. I mean you’re just tiny.”

• “Lana. What d’you know? What d’you say?” I know you’re about to ask me for a favor and I say…wait for it.” “I-” “Wait.” “Is that even a twist off?” “No.” “Yikes.” “Is my answer to your favor. I don’t care what it is. The answer’s no.”

• “Guess I’m a bad listener.” “Obviously. Mallory told you not to let that stupid car get stolen.” “Thank you world’s loudest voice.”

• “Don’t worry about me. I’m-” “-uh, not going on another stupid rampage.” “Well maybe a limited rampage.” “No.” “Modified limited rampage?” “Archer.”

• “Wow. Dodged a bullet there, huh?” “Figuratively and you had better hope we don’t have to dodge any literally.” “Well, obviously I…hope that.”

• “I’m not super confident about this.” “Join the club. I don’t even know why I’m here.” “Join that club then shut up and act like you know what you’re doing.” “I don’t know anything about cars.” “I meant as an agent. Zing.”

• “So, just a head’s up. I’m starting the rampage now.” “No kidding.” “Mmmm, nope.”

• “One question before you die.” “Shoot.” “Figuratively.”

• “What kind of ass would be late for his own birthday dinner?” “Um, the kind that infiltrates the Yakuza.” “What?” “Nothing. What? Nothing.”

• “And that, guys, I guess is a pretty long answer to why I’d go on a suicide mission to get back my birthday car.” “Because of a stupid bicycle?” “What part of 5 speed Schwinn Stingray are you not getting?”

• Are you – and I am being serious here – Are you insane?” “Maybe some mild post traumatic stress disorder, but-” “But he drinks a lot, so.” “I, yeah, think I’ve got a pretty good handle on it.”

• “We don’t even have your dumb car. We steal drift cars. Imports only.” “Right hand drive. Duh.”

• “Why would I believe you?” “Why would I lie? Either way we’re going to kill you.” “Oh. Right.” “And if they don’t, I’m going to.” “How is this my fault?”

• “Pam if you do that again…” “What are you gonna do? Shoot my car?” “Lana’s doing it too.” “No she’s – God dammit.” “Sorry.” “Are you?”

• “You come in here guns blazing half-cocked and probably half drunk.” “It’s my birthday!” “Well happy frickin’ birthday.” “Thank you. Finally somebody acknowledges my birthday.” “Shut up because now we’re gonna die.”

• “That was for Pearl Harbor. Now where was I? Oh, yes and all because you’re irresponsible!” “No I’m – well, not with the car.” “Are you…. Sterling, you left it unlocked in an unattended garage.” “I don’t um.” “She took it.” “What?” “Well, not me personally.” “Why would you do that?” “To teach you a lesson.” “About what?” “Life. Just like with that damn bicycle when you were 8 years old.” “I don’t. Uh.” “She took it.” “You stole my bike?” “I came home from work and it was just lying on the sidewalk and I thought, oh, this will teach him.”

• “And so did you talk to him about responsibility when you gave it back?” “Gave it back?” “Wow.” “You’re disgusting.” “What kind of a lesson would that be?”

• “Oh my God. So what about his car?” “Mmmm. I’m afraid it already has a new owner.”

• “Thanks Dodge or whoever. Yes, my ass is everywhere. What are you looking at sucka?”

Archer airs Thursdays at 10/9c on FX.