The Sex Fist, New Girl “The Last Wedding” 

It’s full disclosure time. I gave up on New Girl sometime last season. I can’t remember when, but Nick and Jess were still together. It just wasn’t as funny as it had been in the past and I had other TV shows to watch that I was more excited about. So, I’m definitely out of the loop on some things and I’m totally okay with that. I can’t imagine I’ll ever really be able to quit this show though. So when I heard the season 4 premiere was funny and inappropriate and a return to form, I knew I’d give the series another try. I’m so glad I did.

I love that all five of them – the sex fist – make it their goal to take someone home. Coach has been getting plenty of action this summer, but it seems like maybe it’s time for him to take a little break. Quite a few of the women at the wedding have already slept with him and they aren’t happy to see him. Coach didn’t become a d-bag while I was gone did he? I don’t like that.

Nick really just wants Schmidt to continue his streak and not be weird around Cece. Too late, he’s always weird around Cece and it’s great. When Nick finds out she and Buster are done, Nick knows he has to do something drastic. So, he reluctantly agrees to the fourway. But as soon as Schmidt feels the texture of Nick’s hoof-hands, he’s out. He does find it “interesting,” though that Cece is single. It’s really just a matter of time before he does something really weird, isn’t it? I can’t wait.

Jess isn’t very good at being single, but I’m glad things aren’t awkward between her and Nick. Although he actually does have some advice for how she can get the guy, he keeps it to himself. It looks like their friendship is still very much intact, which is important to me. I don’t know why they broke up, but are we rooting for them to get back together? I kind of am. I really like them together.

What’s going on with Winston? He’s been kind of strange all along, but when did he turn into a weirdo?

Guest Star Goodness

I didn’t realize how much I liked Jessica Biel until now. I mean, I enjoy some of her movies but I never watched her on 7th Heaven, so I don’t have a lot to go on. I’ll admit she’s part of the reason I decided to give this episode a chance. Stunt casting doesn’t always work that well on this show, but I enjoyed her as Kat and how she brought out Jess’s competitive side. Seeing Kat and Jess target Reid Scott’s best man was great. I wouldn’t mind seeing Jessica Biel again on this show or guesting on another series. She’s great at playing it straight.

As far as Reid Scott goes, he was fun as the best man Ted. I love that Jess was intimidated that he might be a wedding celebrity, but didn’t let that stop her. It was fun to see him go along with Jess and Kat’s pursuit of him, even when things got weird. But the funniest moment has to be when he can’t decide between them. Literally. If you need another dose of him, check out Veep on HBO GO. I remember discovering on TBS’s My Boys. I really liked that show.

What They Said:

Jess: “Why does everybody get to have a party for everything in their life? Why can’t I have a party for really dedicating myself to knitting this summer?
Schmidt: “God, I hate that you knit. I hate everything about it.”
Jess: “Why?”
Schmidt: “It makes me angry and scared at the same time, just like when I hear the phrase, ‘Academy Award-winner Anna Paquin.’”

Schmidt: “Everybody in here. Are we a man down? I feel like there’s one more of us.”
Winston: “Something going on in Jess’s room? I’m coming. Argh. Just wait for me.”

Schmidt: “We are hooking up tonight. All 5 of us including the gimp.”

Schmidt: “Do you realize how important this is? Winter is coming. No one comes home alone.”

Jess: “1, 2, 3, 4, 5 of us together make a fist.”
Nick: “You’re making a mistake right now.”
Jess: “Schmidt, Nick, Coach, Winston, Jess. Sex fist. When you put them all together. Tearing our way through the reception.”
Nick: “Slow down.”
Coach: “Are you listening to what you’re saying?”

Schmidt: “You do I look? How Jewish, I mean? Good Jewish or bad Jewish?”
Nick: “I don’t want to answer that. It feels like a trap.”

Jess: “I haven’t told the guys that you broke up with Buster yet, because I feel like I might have to tell Schmidt outside a hospital.”

Schmidt: “She looks like the girl from the commercial playing tennis with a tampon.”

Kat: “Ted is the only eligible option here and we are his two best options for procreation.”
Jess: “Oh.”
Kat: “I’m not trying to intimidate you, I just want you to know who you’re dealing with if we’re both gonna compete for this man tonight.”

Jess: “I’m sorry. That was vagina voice. That was a huge mistake.”

Kat: “I watch thirty minutes of porn every night just stay up on the sex trends. In the coming months, I’m predicting a throwback to missionary. It all depends on what happens in Syria.”

Coach: “So you’re competing with her?”
Jess: “I can take her down because I have something she doesn’t have. You guys. Now strategies. What about you Coach? You hook up at weddings all the time. What’s your strategy?”
Coach: “It’s called being a gorgeous black man with the body of an action figure.”
Jess: “I could give that a try.”

Schmidt: “I need a minute.”

Jess: “Do guys still like an Oakland face with an LA booty?”

Winston: “Would you like to know my strategy, Jess?”
Jess: “Is the art of seduction really where you shine?”

Jess: “I’m gonna Biden his ass.”

Bridesmaid: “So you guys want to come home with us, right?”
Other Bridesmaid: “We wanna do a fourway. Me, her, you and him.”
Schmidt: “Nick? Nick?!”

Nick: “I’m not having a fourway with you. End of discussion.”
Schmidt: “We don’t have any other choice. I’ve hit on fifteen other girls since I’ve been here. They’re all either married, or taken or mad at Coach.”

Schmidt: “You won’t even know it’s me. It’s all skin shapes.”
Nick: “That’s what I’m afraid of.”
Schmidt: “It’s the fog of war, man. There’s a lot of stuff going on. You’re just here. You don’t even know what’s happening.”

Winston: “Is that salt shoved in the pepper hole? How did it get in there? How did salt get shoved into this tiny, tiny pepper hole?”
Schmidt: “You’re terrible at demonstrations.”

Kat: “Are you Biden-ing?”
Jess: “What? No. How did you know about that?”
Kat: “Because I’m always going to be one step ahead of you.”
Jess: “Extreme Biden!”

Jess: “This was a huge mistake.”

Jess: “And at wedding twelve, I sat on a men’s toilet.”

Nick: “When did one-on-one sex become old-fashioned? You know, America’s gotta take a hard look in the mirror at herself. We used to make things.”

Nick: “If you’re single, that means that I have to do something. Something awful. You have no idea what you just did to me. You have no idea, young lady.”

Schmidt: “What the hell is that?”
Nick: “What are you talking about?”
Schmidt: “What’s that on your hand, man? Why is it so rough? It’s like a hoof.”
Nick: “There’s nothing on my hand. This is a regular old-”
Schmidt: “I’m out.”
Nick: “You’re out of what?”
Schmidt: “The fourway. I’m done.”

Nick: “Why are you so calm?”
Schmidt: “Interesting.”
Nick: “Don’t just say ‘interesting.’”
Schmidt: “It’s interesting.”
Nick: “If you’re gonna say ‘interesting,’ say why it’s interesting.”

Nick: “What are you doing? Just hiding in the bathroom?”
Jess: “Kind of.”
Nick: “Me too.”

Nick: “Sidebar. What do my hands feel like?”
Jess: “Hooves.”

Nick: “Just be yourself and if he’s not into Jessica Day, then there’s something wrong with him.”
Jess: “Be myself. Like, do my Tina Turner impression?”

Jess: “So the sex fist and has turned into a sex finger. Sex finger.”

Jess: “Hey, Ted. I’m outta moves so I’m just gonna try being myself.”

Jess: “If you wanna take me home, we can definitely do some of the raw stuff.”
Kat: “That’s me naked.”
Jess: “Well, this is me with a guy who I thought was Larry King.”

Ted: “Oh, God. What do I do? What do I do?”
Jess: “It’s over.”
Kat: “The moment’s passed, Ted.”

Kat: “You know what doesn’t whine and cry is the sperm in my freezer. I am counting down the days until we don’t need men to procreate. If I really put my mind to it, Autumn 2018.”

Coach: “How ‘bout they share in my chocolate bucket?”
Jess: “What does that mean?”
Coach: “My butt.”
Jessica: “That’s gross.”

New Girl airs Tuesdays at 9/8c on Fox.