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What They Said

What They Said: Favorite Quotes from Archer “White Elephant” 


Archer “White Elephant”
Writer: Adam Reed

Archer: “Was that a flashbang?”
Malory: “Sterling?”
Archer: “Mom?”
Malory: “Ow. Do something?”
Archer: “What? I brought roses. Jesus, Mother. It’s just your birthday, not the-”
Malory: “About that.”
Archer: “Oh. Duh.”

Carol: “Get away from us.”
Pam: “Yeah. They’re shooting you.”
Archer: “Who?”
Carol: “The storm-ninjas.”
Archer: “What? That’s not a thing, idiot. Oh. I stand corrected.”


Lana: “Son of a…. Bitches. I am pregnant!”
Cyril. “Yes. Who could forget? With the bastard spawn of a total stranger.”
Lana: “First of all….cover your eyes and ears.”
Cyril: “You’re not the boss of me!”

Lana: “What’s that Beaker?”
Archer: “Oh my God. Is Beaker not the best? Meep, meep, meep.”

Archer: “Well. He died doing what he loved. Getting shot.”

Agent: “FBI. Nobody move. FBI.”
Malory: “Second worst birthday ever.”
Archer: “What? How is this better than your second fake 50th?”


Holly: “Sterling Archer?
Archer: “Yes? What?”
Holly: “I’m Special Agent in Charge Holly and you are extremely under arrest.”
Archer: “For what?”
Holly: “In addition to the attempted murder of a federal agent?”
Archer: “Yes?”
Holly: “Well there’s gonna be just a whole bunch of charges, but mostly treason.”

Lana: “Is this about the fake hydrogen bomb?”
Holly: “No, but let’s put a pin in that. This is about conducting espionage operations for years with no authority or permission whatsoever from the United States government.”

Malory: “Ew. Our tax dollars hard at work. Well, not mine obviously but…”
Holly: “What’s that?”
Malory: “Damn it.”

Malory: “Shut your various holes and listen to me very carefully.”
Cyril: “Why? So you can tell us more lies?”

Cyril: “I really shouldn’t say anything. I mean, unless you can guarantee me…”
Ray: “Total immunity.”
Carol: “And I mean from everything.”
Krieger: “Including anything you find on my computer. Or in my crawlspace.”
Pam: “Oh. And throw a bone into me.”
Agent: “Excuse me?”

Krieger: “Is it murder if they’re my own clones? I’m seriously asking.”

Ray: “Oh, because speaking of sexual assault…”
Pam: “Which time? ‘Cause for one of ’em I’ve got a pretty good excuse.”
Agent: “Can I stop you? Please.”
Pam: “That’s what he said. Inappropriate.”

Holly: “So if I were you-”
Archer: “You’d get laid a lot more?”

Archer: “I thought you were gonna shot me.”
Lana: “The day’s not over.”

Lana: “You know prisons aren’t co-ed, right?”
Archer: “Oh. Ok. We’ve gotta get out of here.”

Archer: “Yeah. You’re gonna be a great mother.”
Lana: I could start smoking crack today and he’d still turn out better than you.
Archer: “And why is that? Because I never had a father, Lana? So why don’t you shut up and then also marry me?”
Lana: “What?”
Archer: “I’m serious. We could go underground, get new identities and spend the rest of our lives together Lana. Be a family. You. Me. The baby. And your-not-that-weird-looking vagina.”

Carol: “Now who’s the ditz, huh?”
Lana: “Would you just come on?”
Carol: “I’m seriously asking.”

Pam: “Aw, but look at him. All tied up like a sexy little Christmas ham.”

Archer: “No. Uh uh. Nope. Because correct me if I’m wrong, but that entire document is completely unenforceable.”
Holly: “I correct you. You are wrong.”
Malory: “For God sakes Sterling, it’s the government. Even if it weren’t legal they’d enforce it.”
Holly: “Hey. Save it for four-ninths of the Supreme Court.”

Archer: “That was figuratively killing me!”

Archer: “I can’t believe they’re taking our building.”
Lana: “Screw the building. What about our jobs? Oh and our health insurance, which I’m pretty sure I’m gonna need.”
Krieger: “I’ll be your doctor.”
Lana: “Well, if I want Hitler’s DNA spliced into him I’ll give you a call.”
Krieger: “Yeah. I’m around.”

Malory: “Well, as for me I think I’ll start shopping my memoirs. How does the title Secrets and Silk grab you?”
Archer: “Tightly. By my childhood’s throat.”

Carol: “Are you done? Again, seriously asking.”

Archer: “I guess we should talk about the elephant in the room. Namely…what are we gonna do with literally, not figuratively, a ton of cocaine?”
Malory: “Well…”
Lana: “What? Oh come on.”
Archer: “What Lana? We must be talking-”
Cyril: “Wholesale? Uh. 50, 60 million.”
Lana: “Wholesale? So what? We form a cartel?”
Malory: “Well how hard could it be? I mean-”
Lana: “Don’t.
Malory: “-if Mexicans can do it.”

Archer airs Mondays at 10/9c on FX.

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