What They Said: Favorite Quotes from The Vampire Diaries “Dead Man on Campus” 

Episode: “Dead Man on Campus”
Writers: Brian Young & Neil Reynolds

 

Bonnie: “How big is this party going to be?” Elena: “Well, let’s see. Silas and Tessa are gone and you finally aren’t.” Caroline: “Which equals a massive cause for celebration.” Elena: “Which equals a massive party, hopefully, since each of us have only made one friend in college so far.”

 

Elena: “We’re moving on with our lives together as functional vampires, former witch anchor thing. I don’t know.”

 

Bonnie: “Oh, shoot. I have to go register for classes. What?” Caroline & Elena: “Nothing.” Elena: “Have fun registering.”

 

Jeremy (to Bonnie): “Wait, registering for classes?”

 

Jeremy: “We could always sneak back to my place.” Bonnie: “You mean, Damon’s house? While we’re at it why don’t we just have sex in his bathtub or maybe, maybe Katherine could watch.”

 

Jeremy (to Bonnie): “This hair by the way? Kind of hot.”

 

Elena: “Okay, I know this is gonna sound lame but…” Damon: “Anytime you start with ‘this is gonna sound lame,’ guess what? It is.”

 

Damon: “Well that was an embarrassingly close call. Maybe I should be there so you don’t spill all of our secrets and make out with the moody mystery guy.” Elena: “The only moody mystery guy that I want to make out with is you. Oh and speaking of which, invite Stefan.” Damon: “Speaking of moody or making out? Either way, he’ll never show. His memory’s back and he remembers he hates us.”

 

Katherine: “Matty Blue-blue. I want another drink.” Matt: “No, you’re drunk. And scaring the customers.” Katherine: “You realize that every time you say no, it just makes you hotter, right?”

 

Caroline (to Jesse): “Who the hell turned you into a vampire?”

 

Jesse: “Our stash? You’re a vampire, too?” Elena: “You say it like it’s a bad thing. First rule of being a vampire is realizing how awesome you are.”

 

Katherine: “Hey, stranger. Lookie what I stole?” Stefan: “Knock yourself out.” Katherine: “Hey, come on. Please just have one drink with me? Please, Stefan, I’ve had a bad…year, really. And it would be nice to have a friendly face.” Stefan: “One pity drink.” Katherine: “See? The universe at work. I don’t know if you knew this, but our doppleganger stars are fated to be together. So, like it or not, you’re gonna end up with somebody who looks like me. Although, the universe seems to have all of its eggs in the Elena basket. But at this point, I don’t blame it.” Stefan: “What is wrong with you?” Stefan: “Other than the joint pain, receding gums, and the fact that I have to pee every five minutes, I’m dandy.”

 

Bonnie: “I’m sorry. I’m just looking for my um…I’m not sure what he is, actually.” Jesse: “Boyfriend? Friend with benefits?” Bonnie: “He’s my best friend’s little brother. He’s still in high school and I…think I’m madly in love with him. Hmm…”

 

Damon: “We’re gonna play a little game where I inject you with…whatever the hell Necrotizing Fasciitis is.” Wes: “It’s a flesh-eating bacteria.” Damon: “Gross. So I’m gonna do that.”

 

Stefan: “Just out of morbid curiosity, which one of you is younger?” Katherine & Nadia: “I am.” Stefan: “Right.”

 

Katherine (to Gregor): “Here’s the thing. Nadia’s my only child, so naturally, I’m suspicious of anyone who wants to date her.”

 

Damon (to Wes): “Turning a kid into a vampire so you can experiment on him? Harsh.”

 

Damon (to Wes): “What is your greater good? Rabies…sounds fun, doesn’t it? And appropriate given the circumstance.”

 

Jeremy: “You okay?” Bonnie: “Yeah, I think I am.” Jeremy: “Good. Then I’m gonna need you to come with me.” Bonnie: “Where are we going?” Jeremy: “To register for classes.”

 

Damon: “Well, rabies was a bust. Guess I’ll find something a little more immediate.”

Elena: “What about your parents?” Aaron: “Uh, dead.” Elena: “Mine, too. Birth…and adoptive.” Aaron: “Whoa. Dark. No offense but usually I’m the biggest freak in the room.”

 

Elena: “Jesse feeds on vampires?” Damon: “That’s what Doogie said.”

 

Elena: “Caroline, I’m so sorry. I…” Caroline: “Yeah, me too. Because the Elena that I used to know, would have given Jesse a chance.”

 

Katherine: “I’m dying, Stefan. I’m dying of old age. I don’t know, the cure did something to speed up the entire mortifying process.” Stefan: “Hey, you’re Katherine Pierce. Suck it up.”

 

Bonnie: “I’m the anchor to the Other Side, Jer. Every supernatural being that dies has to pass through me.” Jeremy: “How often does that happen? Why — why didn’t you tell me?” Bonnie: “I’m back here, touching you. We knew there’d be consequences. Just kiss me.” Jeremy: “What?” Bonnie: “Kiss me. You…and me…this, this is worth it. Any consequence is worth this.”

 

Wes: “Atomized vervain. When working with vampires, you can never be too careful. I’m sure Augustine will be thrilled with to have you back.”

 

The Vampire Diaries airs Thursdays at 8/7c on the CW.