What They Said: Favorite Quotes From Archer “Sea Tunt: Part 1” 

Episode: “Sea Tunt: Part 1”

• “I have the most fantastic news!” “What? Did Bub finally die?” “Who’s Bub?” “My mother and before you make some snotty comment, yes I have a mother and do you want to hear my news or not?” “Yeah if you’re done yelling at me for no reason.”

• “Last night an Air Force B-52 Bomber crashed off the coast of Bermuda!” “Well it’s about frickin time. What? We’re not bombing them in advance of an amphibious invasion?” “Why would we invade Bermuda?” “Bermuda? Duh. I was thinking Bahamas.” “Same question.” “Same answer. Why not? It’s how we got the Virgin Islands.” “Actually, the United States bought the Virgin Islands from Denmark.”

• “Are you finished?” “Yes.” “Good, because the B-52 was in the middle of-” “The Bermuda triangle. Is this about the Bermuda triangle? Because that’s my fourth biggest fear.” “It’s about the B-52’s payload. Namely, a Mark -8 hydrogen bomb. Which ISIS is going to recover. And then give to the US government in exchange for a huge reward.”

• “So ransom it back.” “No, not ransom it Cyril. We’re- look, semantics. Whatever. This is-” “Treason.” “-a huge opportunity for ISIS. Or the Russians.”

• “The B-52 is on the ocean floor here, at a depth of eight thousand feet.” “Or thirteen hundred thirty three fathoms.” “How do you know that?” “How do you not?”

• “You don’t actually steam anymore mother.” “It’s a figure of speech like ‘Shut your hatch’.”

• “Well, shut up, since Krieger doesn’t have a submersible hidden in his lab-” “Or do I? I don’t actually.” “Then how are we supposed to beat anybody to a hydrogen bomb under two-point-two-seven leagues of water?”

• “Hello. I’m Cecil Tunt. I believe you’re in need of some assistance?” “Yeah, Rien Poortvliet just called and he wants you to pose for him? Oh come on. Beloved illustrator of Gnomes? Jesus! Read a coffee table book!”

• “Wow. You own an island, an undersea laboratory and this choppersaurus? I guess it doesn’t suck to be a billionaire, huh?” “Probably not, but Cheryl and I split our parents estate so technically I’m only worth $500 million. Which also doesn’t suck, obviously.” “Unlike you, who totally sucks obviously.”

• “Why aren’t you dead from protein decency?” “Uh, because I get all 8 essential amino acids from amaranth and quinoa without murdering helpless animals?” “Hey, Tiff, could you instead of antagonizing her maybe go ahead and take off? Love you.”

• “We’ll rendezvous with my research vessel in a few hours so in the meantime, I guess, continue to make such wildly liberal use of the bar.” “Done! You’re ok Cecil. I don’t get why Cheryl hates you so much.” “Right?”

• “Doctor’s Within Borders.” “Within borders?” “Well, of countries ravaged by war.” “Right. Otherwise…” “Otherwise there’s not much point.”

• “Aagh! Lana come on. We’re about to fly into the Bermuda triangle. My nerves are frayed enough as it is.” “Really?” “No. Long Island Ice Team number 3 really took the edge off.”

• “Oh my God. I totally saw this coming.” “What? You saw what coming?” “Wait, did you not join the nation of Islam?” “No. Archer, I-” “You know they won’t let you keep dating Cyril, right? Plus no bacon.” “You done?” “Well, for now but after I take a nap-” “You’ll wake up just in time to get shot for treason ’cause your mom wants to ransom a hydrogen bomb back to the United States government.” “It’s a reward. And maritime salvage law is very clear on the subject…according to Cecil.”

• And what is he getting out of this?” “I guess whatever useless thing philanthropists get out of squandering their money on the poor.”

• “Hey, wait a second.” “What?” “I think I have room for fuzzy navel.”

• “Oh, Mr. Tunt. Please join me. You’re just the person I want to talk to.” “And I you. About my sister. I was curious if you noticed anything, well…curious about her behavior.” “Ha ha ha. Oh, you’re serious.” “I’m afraid so, yes.” “Well how much time do you have?” “As much as you need.”

• “I had no idea her mental state had declined to such an extent. I mean, the arson’s not surprising…but you’re telling me she had…” “Mm, choke-sex, that’s her kink. With a KGB cyborg after she led him straight to the ISIS safe house at 921 East 73rd Street.” “Oh my…wait. Is that classified?” “I won’t tell if you won’t tell.”

• “Come on. You call this fully stocked? And no Georgia peaches? What the- What are you doing?” “What are you doing?” “Hairy navel. Started as a fuzzy, but…”

• “How is everybody okay with this?” “How are you not?” “Lana, you heard Ms. Archer. It’s either us for the Russians.” “I did not hear that actually, but-” “But if you found somebody’s wallet you’d expect to get a reward so…” “What if they won’t pay a reward? Then what? She just keeps the bomb?”

• “Wait. Why the heck are you painting my face?” “Cause you look fierce. Rrowr.”

• “Cyril figured out how big our bonuses should be?” “Your what?” I- Ray made me.” “Cyril! Come on, you’re fierce. Rrowr.”

• “I wanted to talk to you about-” “Don’t say high-functioning alcoholism.” “I wasn’t going to.” “Well, then what’s on your mind?” “Well, it’s about my sister…” “Hey. Whoa. I don’t know what she told you, but Carol’s a consenting adult so-” “That’s actually kind of my point. I wanted to ask you if you’d ever seen her acting strangely.” “Ha ha. Oh, you’re serious.”

• “Look, auditory hallucinations aren’t gonna make you any less delicious. Hey! I was talking to that.”

• “Cecil’s, like, interviewing everybody.” “Yeah, he- Is he? Doing that?” “Yes. And I think he’s taping it. Look. There’s cameras everywhere.” “Huh.” “I think he’s taping them saying I’m crazy so that he can show it to a judge and get conservatorship over me.” “Huh.” “Huh what?” “I mean you think that’s the worst idea anybody ever had?”

• “I thought you were my friend!” “Yeah and for like six months you also thought you were a werewolf.”

• “So, you may want to switch to coffee.” “Oh, you’re still serious.” “Or am I? I am, actually.”

• “Have you people lost your minds?” “Cause apparently it’s going around.” “Because – shut up – if we recover the bomb, I will decide if any of you receive a tiny bonus-” “If-” “Guys shut up. I got this. Shut up. What do you mean if? Also, what are we talking about?”

• “There’s nothing to talk about because I am…Jesus Christ!” “Okay. It’s either the altitude or a stroke. Mother! It’s Sterling. Do you smell toast?”

• “What the hell is going on?” “It’s Cheryl! She’s in the cockpit. I think she’s trying to kill us all.” “Oh good. For a second there I thought I drank too much.”

• “Why the hell is there a lock on it?” “Well, obviously, to prevent this exact scenario from ever happening?” “Now? Really? You think now is a good time to be facetious?” “I’m fairly certain you’re not using facetious correctly-“

• “That’s why she hijacks his helicopter? Man, talk about rich people problems.” “What are you- Archer! Pam is dying.” “Cyril, shut up. I’m in charge here, and okay, here’s what we’re doing. Emergency tracheotomy.” “With a crazy straw?” “It’s fine. It’s pretty sterile. That hairy navel was mostly Kentucky moon.” “That’s not even how you make a hairy navel.” “I know. It’s a new drink. Help me think of a name. So far all I’ve got is Horatio Cornblower…”

• “Since when do you carry a switchblade?” “It’s a long story Mother. Well, not so much long as not very interesting.”

• “Go get the damn first aid kit!” “I am. But not because you said so.”

• “So, you think Cecil’s really trying to steal Cheryl’s inheritance?” “Who cares?” “Well, you should.” “Because?” “Because you’ve been trying to get your bony manhooks on her money for years and how the hell are you gonna do that if Cecil gets it?” “Tapes! We have to find and destroy the tapes. There must be some sort of recording device somewhere and why are you still standing there? Go!” “What about Pam?” I’ll buy you a new one!”

• “Hey hey hey. Whoa! Lana stop.” “What?” “If you damage that it might not work in the event of an emergency.” “And what would you call this?” “Oh right. Speaking of…Pam’s dying of anaphylactic shock. You got a first aid kit?”

• “You shot me! You idiot!” “Hey, first of all if I shot you you’d know it. And secondly, now who’s the idiot?” “You! All of you. You’re here because I wanted you here so I could-” “Help us get the hydrogen bomb. Yeah.” “Oh my God. There is no bomb!” “What?” “Well, I guess I had that coming.”

• “I just wanted to get you people on tape saying Cheryl was crazy so I could get control of her inheritance to fund my numerous philanthropies.”

• “Now I believe there was some mention of anaphylactic shock?” “Thank you!” “She’s my patient Lana.”

• “It was a hoax. There was no bomb.” “Boom. Guess you had that coming.” “Oh, put another mans’ penis in it.”

Part two of Archer‘s season 4 finale airs Thursday, April 12th at 10/9c on FX.