What They Said: Favorite Quotes from The Vampire Diaries “My Brother’s Keeper” 

Episode: “My Brother’s Keeper”
Writers: Caroline Dries & Elisabeth R. Finch

• Stefan: “I’m not depressed. I just want to rip into someone’s artery and feed until I can’t breathe anymore.” Caroline: “Well, you can’t. As your sober sponsor, I’m not going to let that happen. Try and sublimate.”

• Stefan: “She says she has feelings for Damon.” Caroline: “What? She can’t have feelings for Damon. He’s…Damon and you’re…you. And I’m…revolted.”

• Damon: “OK, I see shady Stefan is back.”

• Damon: “Or we could just blow it off…go get drunk….brother-bond over some Tri-Delts. If you, you know, want some quality time.” Stefan: “Let’s not pretend like this isn’t the best day of your life.”

• Caroline: “Look. I’m your best friend. I would never pick sides. But, are you sure that this is what you want? Because Stefan is your soulmate! Sorry, picking sides.”

• Elena: “Well, what was I supposed to do, lie to him?” Caroline: “No. But you weren’t supposed to let Damon weasel his way into your confused newbie vampire heart.”

• Professor Shane: “All right, I’ll just follow the scent of hair spray and world domination.”

• Elena (about Professor Shane): “Jack of all trades or kind of creepy?”

• Klaus: “I was wondering what time I should pick you up tomorrow?” Caroline: “How about a quarter to never?” Klaus: “I was promised a date in return for one of my hybrids.” Caroline: “Yes, a date like to a movie where we don’t have to talk and I can put at least three seats between us.”

• Jeremy (dreaming): “I really wish you’d stop acting like you’re still my sister.”

• Caroline: “Nobody cares what you think.” April: “I care.” Damon: “See? April cares. Red, right Elena?” Elena: “The red is pretty.” Damon: “And my work here is done.”

• Damon: “Stefan told me about the breakup. I’d say I’m sorry but I’m not.” Elena: “What did he say?” Damon: “Oh, you know Stefan. The guy just went on and on about it. Wouldn’t shut up.” Elena: “So, he didn’t tell you why?” Damon: “Nope. But I’m sure it has something to do with you acting weird. So why don’t you tell me?” Elena: “You.”

• Damon: “So I’m in search of another hunter.” Professor Shane: Hunter? With a capital ‘H’? Why?” Damon: “Same reason anyone needs a hunter. Loneliness…drinking buddy…fourth for golf.”

• Professor Shane: “Did you just accuse me of mass murder…in the middle of a high school pageant?”

• Caroline: “Will you guys pick up the tempo? This is a pageant. Not a funeral!”

• Klaus: “And how am I doing?” Caroline: “You’re…perfect…which is just so beyond annoying, I can’t even look at you.”

• Hayley (giving a fake speech): “I can’t believe that I won. I just want to thank the judges for seeing past the fact that I’m a raging bitch.” Tyler: “You don’t want to do that. Those girls will cut you. They have nails.” Hayley: “I have claws.”

• Matt: “Jeremy’s running late.” April: “I guess you’ll do.”

• Damon: “Do the math. Emo teen. Open bar. It’s fine.”

• Caroline: “No. Damon’s never right. Damon’s sneaky and manipulative and rude but he’s never right. How can you not see that?” Elena: “I don’t know but why do I think that you won’t hesitate to tell me?” Caroline: “Fine. Friend-tervention. I think that your so-called feelings for Damon are really starting to cloud your judgment and I don’t like it. And the thought of you two together really makes me want to barf.”

• Caroline: “How did I become the bad guy?” Klaus: “Let’s get you a drink. I’ll tell you all about being the bad guy.”

• Damon: “Please don’t tell me that you’ve roped Jeremy into a world of crazy.” Stefan: “I had no choice. Elena needs a cure.” Damon: “Oh, right. So you can turn her back into the girl that’s still in love with you.”

• Jeremy: “I guess I can’t be compelled anymore.”

• Caroline: “Would you ever take it?” Klaus: “Now why would I want to cure myself of being the most powerful creature on the planet, hmm?”

• Klaus: “I’m really loving the use of ‘when’ here. It’s very confident.”

• Klaus: “Obviously, we found a shortage of words ending in ‘spire.'”

• Damon: “How do those two know each other?” Tyler: “They don’t. Paranoid much?” Damon: “The Council just got burned to a crisp. Some mysterious hunters blew through town and this guys just happens to know everything about everything. Yes, paranoid.”

• Hayley: “Your mom parties harder than you do. Does she have the gene?” Tyler: “Dad.”

• Stefan: “He’s the only way to fix all of this.” Elena: “You mean me. The only way to fix me.” You don’t have to love me like this. This is who I am now. The old Elena died when she went off that bridge. Let her go.”

• Jeremy: “I can’t keep living here if I want to kill my sister.”

• Elena: “I can’t stay at home anymore.” Stefan: “Pick a room. I’ll crash somewhere else.”

• Damon: “Thought you hated whiskey.” Elena: “My brother wants to kill me.” Damon: “Welcome to the club.”

• Elena: “Jeremy can’t live with me, Stefan wants to fix me, and Caroline flat out admitted that she doesn’t like me this way. Think it’s safe to say that I’m not so great at this vampire thing.” Damon: “You want to know what I think? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you more alive.”

• Elena: “I wanted to dance with you today.”

• Caroline: “You and her — epic. Her and Damon – ugh….god. There’s something wrong with her. Just promise me you won’t stop looking for the cure.”

• Stefan: “Elena is sired to Damon.”

The Vampire Diaries airs Thursdays at 8/7c on the CW.