What They Said: Favorite Quotes From Archer “Midnight Ron” 

Episode: “Midnight Ron”

• “Confiscated by whom? A croupier?” “No.” “Or a herd of Quebecker whores?” “I wouldn’t say herd.” “Well after you get some free penicillin complements of the Socialist Republic of Canada-” “Wait. Really?” “You can extract yourself mister.”

• “It is just idiots all the way down. And his money, I get it, that’s all craps and whores. But his passport? How the hell did he lose his passport?”

• “It’s my third biggest fear. He brings home a whore and says, ‘We’re married!’ Oh, and the whore has bangs.”

• “Tabernac! You know there is a line?” “There’s gonna be a line at your wake! So shut your poutine hole and let me-“

• “Even Woodhouse wouldn’t help me.” “What do you mean no? I basically own you.”

• “What the hell is a chud?” “They were people, but then they got splashed with toxic waste.” “Aw, that’s a load of crap.” “It’s a movie.” “But those baby alligators people flush down there, now that’s-” “Ron. Come on. Seriously, at some point I’m gonna have to take  sh*t so…” “So why didn’t you go before we left?” “Not now. In the future. And I won’t be able to if I’m thinking about giant alligators rampaging up into my toilet.” “Talk about tearing you a new one.”

• “For the love of Christ, man. Stop! I meant stop talking about ass-ripping sewer gators.” “Yeah, I know.”

• “Why not?” “Because what if they check the trunk?” “Well, why would they?” “Because that’s exactly their job.” “Yeah, on the Mexican border. Who the hell’s gonna sneak in from Canada?” “Arctic wolves?”

• Ron! Let me outta the godd*mn trunk! We passed the border an hour ago!” “Actually, more like 3 hours.” “I- well apparently I took a nap.”

• “What’s in the suitcase, Ron? Why is that in the suitcase, Ron?” “What I should use a plastic bag?” “Or this new thing called the bank?” “Well, it’s not exactly… clean money.” “No sh*t.”

• “No, I’m serious. Name one. Just one single favor that Archer ever did for any of you.” “Ummm.” “Oh! Oh my God. Chlamydia. Which put me over my deductible so the rest of the year all my doctor’s visits were totally free. Score!” “Wow.”

• “Get off! Clamydiot.” “Oh I get it. Because of the Chlamidiya. Oh, and I’m an idiot.”

• “Nobody’s gonna pick us up! We look like The Ballad of the Flim-Flam Man.” “The what?” “Guy Owen? Jesus, Ron. Read a book. Maybe between biannual suitcase robberies?”

• “…And anyway, you mean semiannual.” “They’re the same thing.” “No, biannual means every two years-” “That’s biennial! Bi, or semi-annual, means every six months.”

• “Ron, nobody’s gonna miss one beer. Or the eleven more I’m gonna drink.”

• “You lost me.” “Cadillac’s not my real last name.” “I-, well yeah. I figured the odds on that were pretty huge.” “I changed it from Kazinsky. And before I sold cars… I stole them.”

• “So the money is…” “The least I can do, it’s like back pay for all the years they lost. Plus most of it is from charging poor saps for that frickin undercoat. Never get the undercoating!”

• “Wow. And here Mother thinks you are hands down the most boringest on this entire planet of Earth.”

• “Hey guys, if that’s, you know, how you self-identify.”

• “Wow. Okay, so… apparently we’ve stumbled into what I’m just gonna assume is– some kind of unspeakably rapey snuff film. Yep, look at that. There’s even a craft services table. But my uh…” “Stepdad.” “Mother’s husband has to be back in time for the opera. I know, rich people problems, so even though all you guys have bats and pipes and, wow…shorty over there as a club with lumps on it. Kicking it, bedrock style. Does anybody have a gun? Anybody? Gun? Probably looks a little something like this?”

• “What about my crew? I’ve been ripped off the last 3 times. What are they supposed to live on?” “What are they gonna live on if you’re eaten by tranny bikers? Ron, look. We’d already be dead if they weren’t in disturbingly sexy high heels!”

• “What is it- Half the time I don’t even know what  the hell you’re talking about.” “Well, guess what. Me neither.”

• “Come on! Run like you’re younger.”

• “You hate it that she married anybody cause you want her all to yourself.” “What?” “Paging Dr. Bates. Doctor Norman Bates.” “Hey, shut up! And also, eww.”

• “Ron? Look, I know we accidentally bonded a little, but do not tell me how to discipline my servant!”

Archer airs Thursdays at 10/9c on FX.