Selina’s been out on the campaign trail stumping for her party. But come election night, things aren’t going well for them. And she blames it on POTUS. Selina decides it’s time for POTUS to start honoring his ticket promises to her. She wants her regular one-on-one meetings, more responsibilities in infrastructure and education reform, an expanded role in deficit reduction talks, a Cartier f*cking dildo. Gary seems uncomfortable with that last thing. Sue just wants Gary to shut up about his girlfriend. It’s getting annoying.
When Selina goes looking for Ben, the president’s Chief of Staff, he’s hiding in a storage closet, just trying to get away from the bad news. Ben wants to be cryogenically suspended, Selina thinks so he can be awoken in the future but Ben doesn’t want to wake up. Ever. That’s how bad things are right now. Although it might not be the best time to bring it up, Selina asks for Ben’s advice on how to set her new agenda in motion. Ben tells her to ask Kent Davison. He’s back, as senior strategist and she’s not happy. His strategy with Selina seems to be to give her horrible advice.
Selina’s brief meeting with Kent is confusing and doesn’t really go well. Selina wants her team to figure out a way to get Kent on board with her new agenda since they know they can’t reason with him. She calls Kent the thick rubber condom between her and POTUS. She needs unprotected access to the Oval Office.
Amy is distracted enough about news of her father’s ailing health that Selina sends her to the hospital. It’s the midterms, but apparently her father’s health is more important than that. They get official news that they’ve lost the House and Dan couldn’t be happier, even though it’s (obviously) bad news for them. And it’s because Furlong was going to put a major hurt on Selina’s office as well as him. They dodged that bullet.
It turns out Amy’s father isn’t dying. In fact they aren’t even sure if he had a stroke or not. Amy and her sister Sophie clearly have a lot of bad blood between them and they get into it in the hospital room. But Amy is summoned back when Gary calls her with an emergency. Well, it’s an emergency in his eyes. The lipstick Selina’s stylist recommended is at Gary’s place. Of course Amy can swing by to get it now that she knows her father’s out of the wood. She just doesn’t expect Gary’s girlfriend to be so territorial about him when she gets there.
Thinking she has leverage to use against Kent, Selina visits him and POTUS in the Oval Office. But it’s just Kent, which is good enough for Selina. One of Jonah’s data nirvana geeks had told Selina her campaign visits always result in a bump for the candidate. She even aces POTUS. But when he arrives with the actual data, they learn her lead is only .9%. Obviously she assumed it was higher than that. Her meeting with Kent ends abruptly when she accidentally assaults him in the eye with her lipstick.
For the first time in the history of Selina’s term in office, the president has actually called for her while she was out. He knows about her .9% and has given her an enhanced role in foreign policy. Selina can’t believe it. He’s also wants her to do the morning shows. She will be the face of their failure and there’s really no way she can say no. They’ve booked her for 27 interviews. And since she pulled an all-nighter to stay up for election results, she has to do them on no sleep.
What They Said
Selina: “Meyer’s on fire.”
Selina: “Oh, you know what I want? I want that lipstick that my stylist recommended.”
Gary: “Oooh. Miami Sunburst.”
Selina: “Yeah, so when it hits 2 am my eyes will say Holocaust, but my mouth will say Carnival.”
Gary: “Is this it? Nope, it’s a rape alarm. Like she’s ever gonna need that. I mean, she’s not ugly, but she’s got a lot of security.”
Mike: “I’m in a financial hole, okay? I bought something I shouldn’t have and I can’t get rid of it.”
Sue: “What did you buy?”
Mike: “A boat.”
Sue: “Is that a euphemism?”
Selina: “Are you drunk?
Ben: “No. I’m just depressed.”
Amy: “Speaking of creepy, Kent Davison is back.”
Dan: “Kent Davison? The Pol Pot of pie charts. Wow, that guy is ruthless. A total inspiration.”
Furlong: “Hey there, pretty boy. You know what they call guys like you in prison? Sweetmeat.”
Dan: “I, I have no plan to go to prison, Congressman.”
Jonah: “Holy sh*t, is that him?”
Furlong: “Nobody plans on going to prison, dipsh*t. That’s just the way it works out sometimes.”
Jonah: “You are so f*cked.”
Furlong: “I can tell you this – if I lose this election tonight and I’m back on that Congressional Oversight Committee, your a** is toast because I don’t like the way your boss runs things over there and you are a mighty soft target. If I have to come after you, Dan, I cam promise you something. You’re gonna have to be prepared to be gay for the stay ’cause you’re going down.”
Selina: “My uncle used to have this, this saying. He used to say to me uh, ‘Honey, if you’re not at the table you’re probably on the menu.’ And, Kent, I will not be eaten.”
Sue: “Marion, listen very closely. You have as much chance of getting the vice president on your show as you have of getting your husband to leave that cheerleader. Yes, Marion we’re all aware of that. Good-bye.”
Sue: “Well Richard, if you hear me say no that means no. No.”
Dan: “You good slapping down those hacks?”
Sue: “I do enjoy it. It’s kinda like dumping all my ex-boyfriends at once.”
Dan: “Oh, you gotta a lot of exes, huh?”
Selina: “I’m, I’m not really sure I remember what an integer is, per se.”
Data Nirvana guy: “You’re like Neo.”
Selina: “What a Neo?”
Data Nirvana Guy: “He’s from The Matrix. Everything he does is awesome.”
Another Data Nirvana guy: “The first movie. The sequels sucked.”
Sophie: “Always with the last word. That’s why you’re single. Guys hate that.”
Amy: “You have three kids by two different guys. Maybe your last word should’ve been no.”
Selina: “Are you suggesting that a senior strategist is a higher position than the vice president?”
Kent: “Well, it depends on the vice president.”
Selina: “Yeah. Well this one is me and I’m f*cking great. And you’re not an elected representative.”
Ben: “Uzbekistan is between Turkmenistan and I-could-give-a-f*ck-istan. There’s a map on page 376.”
Selina: “I need that stuff that junkies use. You know, when it takes a cop like 15 bullets to put him down.”
Mike: “It was an accident, okay? Much like when Bigfoot got your mom pregnant resulting in you.”
Mike: ” Want to play mid-term clichÃ© bingo? First phrase she uses. I already got ‘wake-up call.'”
Veep airs Sundays at 10/9c on HBO.
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