Moment of Heartbreak: Sam and Dean’s Closing Conversation, Supernatural “The Purge” 

People with weight issues are dying. Their fat gets sucked out of them while they’re still alive. In no time flat, a man goes from 300 pounds to 90. This diet plan? Not much fun. What was fun? Getting to see Sam all fitness’d out and teaching yoga. Dean in a hairnet and eating laced salted caramel pudding (it’s ‘sweet and salty!’). And that scruff. He still has it and it’s amazing. How great was that cop lady? I really enjoyed her scenes with the boys. And she really touched me when she told Sam and Dean about her husband leaving her.

Eric Charmelo and Nicole Snyder wrote “The Purge” and I have the urge…to tell them it was an enjoyable episode. Well most of it was anyway. Then the darkness, pain and anguish came storming in giving us yet another whopper of an emotional end-of-the-episode conversation. But before I get to that sadness, let’s talk about the case of the week.

Some thoughts

-Dean is not sleeping. He’s doing research on Mark of Cain. His humor is still a little off. He’s clearly not himself.

-I really think that if Sam doesn’t want to be brothers he shouldn’t ask Dean if he’s okay. I mean, it’s all business between them, right?

-Dean and that cop eating the powdered doughnuts = a whole lot of awesomeness. I love the actress who played Sheriff Hanscom.

-So Sam has also dated someone bend-y. Will we ever get to meet Sam’s equivalent of Lisa?

-I adore how Sam’s adventure in yoga instructing didn’t go perfectly. The fact he asked the class to stay in the downward dog position for five minutes was so funny. There’s no way I would ever do that. 30 seconds was sooo much more manageable. And him trying to high five his students after the class was over was so silly…in a good way. Although high five’s seem so un-yoga like.

-And I don’t know how the girls (and maybe some of the guys) in the class were able to concentrate with Sam lookin’ so fine in that yoga outfit. Man, Jared is just so incredibly fit. I mean his arms alone. It’s ridiculous. Ridiculously hot.

-Dean the lunch lady: 1. Of course he sampled the pudding. 2. Eww to his hygiene issues with re-using the spoon he used to sample the pudding. 3. Only Dean could rock the hairnet look. I am beginning to think nothing can make Jensen look bad. Nothing.

-It did my heart good to see Sam rushing after a drugged Dean. I don’t even remember the last time we got a scene like that. But, of course, my heart was then pulverised by the events of the end of the episode. Apparently, my heart had quite the workout watching “The Purge.” Only I didn’t lose 10 pounds in 30 seconds. Boo.

-Of course Dean knows what roofies look like.

-It was so nice to see Sam investigating a case sans Gadreel inside him. And he got to fight. Sure Dean is the one who got to do away with the pishtaco (Alonso) but small steps. Sam didn’t get knocked out or tied up or anything. Yay Sam!

-I’m kind of tired of the friendly monster debate. Kill them? Don’t kill them? Can we just not cover this in any way ever again? We just got a version of this last week with the friendly werewolves.

-Sam and Dean searching for the MOTW in the dark was very suspenseful and well done. Kudos to the director.

-Hey Show, no more Kardashian jokes. I’d prefer they never be mentioned anywhere ever again.

Moment of Heartbreak

Moment when you realize you may be too invested in a pair of TV Brothers: When one tells the other he wouldn’t save him and then you sit there stunned. And incredulous. And a little bit teary-eyed. Not full on sob tears but little ones just on the edge threatening to fall but they don’t. I probably should have realized this before, but I need to get myself a support group that’ll help get me through these dark times between the brothers. I’m serious. I can’t take much more of this. Actually, a few of us had an impromptu support group session on Twitter after the episode aired. Just check my timeline. Two days later and I’m still in a bad way over this which is why, once again, I put this review on hold. But, alas, here’s what went down:

Sam and Dean are back at the bunker. Dean brings up last week’s painful conversation.

Dean: “You know, Sam. I saved your hide back there. And I saved your hide at the Church. And the hospital. I may not think things all the way through, okay? But what I do, I do because it’s the right thing. I’d do it again.”

Sam: “And that…is the problem. Y-you think you’re my savior. My brother, the hero. You swoop in and even when you mess up you think what you’re doing is worth it because you’ve convinced yourself you’re doing more good than bad…but you’re not. I mean, Kevin’s dead. Crowley’s in the wind. We’re no closer to beating this angel thing. Please tell me, what is the upside of me being alive?”

Dean: “You kidding me? You and me — fighting the good fight together.”

Sam: “Okay. Just once. Be honest with me. You didn’t save me for me. You did it for you”

Dean: “What are you talking about?”

Sam: “I was ready to die. I was ready. I should have died. But you, you didn’t want to be alone. And that’s what all this boils down to. You can’t stand the thought of being alone. I’ll give you this much. You are certainly willing to do the sacrificing…as long as you’re not the one being hurt.”

Dean: “All right, you want to be honest? If the situation were reversed and I would have died, you’d do the same thing.”

Sam: “No, Dean. I wouldn’t. Same circumstances. I wouldn’t.”

The first thing I thought of after Sam said he wouldn’t — well, actually, the first thing I thought after I got over my stunned, incredulous, teary-eyed phase — was Sam not looking for Dean after he got dropped in Purgatory. The question why was never answered before. But I felt like we finally got an answer here. And, yes, I’m somebody who still can’t come to terms with that particular act considering Sam really never had proof that Dean was dead. So I figured searching for him would have been first on his list. And then after a period of time where he couldn’t find his brother, then he would go live his life. But that’s not how it turned out. Sam didn’t look for Dean. At all. And we’ve been waiting so long for a real explanation — this conversation might be as close as we get.

Man, every time I think a Winchester tête-à-tête can’t get more painful — it does x 1000 (and I know I say this every week). And, yeah, at least they’re talking. And not keeping secrets and holding things in. And I’m still on board with the fact Sam’s angry and he feels he can’t trust Dean. He was out of commission for so long. It’s going to take a while to work those issues out. I hope he keeps on voicing them. I just hope they don’t come out quite like this one did. It’s also going to take a lot of time to repair this sibling relationship. I’m just impatient is all. I want them better now.

In the meantime, I’m finding I have to re-watch excerpts of the season eight finale and the season nine premiere after each episode that features a painful end-of-the-episode conversation. I have to remind myself Sam listened to Dean and they agreed to choose each other. And I don’t mean to go all harsh on Sam, because I love the guy. But while I think that some of what he said has validity,  sometimes I feel like we’re remembering things differently. I think it was this particular line:

Sam: “I’ll give you this much. You are certainly willing to do the sacrificing…as long as you’re not the one being hurt.”

Again, there’s some validity there. But  just some. I mean, Dean wanted to say yes to Michael. Sam wouldn’t let him. Instead he was the one to take on Lucifer. I get that it was a redemption thing but why was it good for Sam to say yes and not Dean? As controlling and as my way or the highway as Dean can be (and he can be all the damn time), he has sacrificed himself and not just let others pay the price. Hell, anybody?

And as frustrated as I am with Sam’s reasoning I also think about the way I get when I’m angry and seeing red. I get facts wrong. My logic is abandoned. So I’m going to wait and see what’s coming next. Clearly I’m trying to calm myself down as I type. And it’s two days later. By the time the next new episode airs — Tuesday Feb. 25 — Sam and I will be good. And I will be keeping a sharp eye on Dean to make sure he’s okay. ‘Cause he’s kind of acting like he did in season five when he was just about ready to say yes to Michael. You know, all dead inside. And that’s never good.

If this conversation is one of those things where things have to get worse before they get better? Then great. But let’s get them better once and for all and get off this deconstruct and reconstruct cycle of pain and anguish. Each season I always have to remind myself how this is a journey. Still, I think it’s great that I’m completely invested in this show and these brothers nine seasons in. I blame Jensen and Jared. Those two owe us all gift bags or something for hanging in there through thick and thin. Or at least a hug.

Supernatural airs Tuesdays at 9/8c on the CW.