What They Said: Our Favorite Quotes from Parks and Rec “Ms. April Ludgate-Dwyer Goes to Washington” and “Pie-Mary” 

This week on Parks and Recreation, April continues to search for her ideal career with the help of Ben, Andy and Ron. Then Leslie causes controversy when she doesn’t sign up for the “Pie-Mary” with the rest of the congressional candidates’ wives.

Here are some of the best quotes from “Ms. April Ludgate-Dwyer Goes to Washington” and “Pie-Mary.” Enjoy!

“Ms. April Ludgate-Dwyer Goes to Washington”

Ben: Okay well I can’t keep your secret much longer. Any time your name comes up I panic and change the subject to the Twin Peaks reboot until she gets bored.
April: So you talk for one second?

Ron: Creativity is for people with glasses who like to lie.

John McCain: Did anyone ever tell you that your tenacity can be intimidating?
Leslie: Yes, every month of my life since fourth grade. Now, let’s talk about national parks.

Barney: Well, what did she major in? Economics? Accounting?
Andy: She designed her own major: Halloween Studies.

Leslie: Oh, excuse me ma’am. Can I borrow your hat? I just want to throw it up in the air victoriously.

Andy: Simple solution. I break into her college and I change her degree to accounting. Easy. On the way out, I look up at the blackboard and what is that? Impossible math equation. I solve it. X=Y, obviously. Professor comes up to me and says, ‘I’ve been working on that for 15 years. Why don’t you accept this math trophy.’ By the time he turns around and I’m gone.

Leslie: I keep a local binder maker on retainer in D.C.

Madeline Albright: Wow, Leslie. I haven’t seen you this upset since you almost forget Anne’s half-birthday.

Madeline Albright: Sometimes you’re so focused and driven that you forget about other people’s feelings.
Leslie: Name one time that I’ve done that.
Madeline Albright: Well, you were so wrapped up in your story that you actually ate my waffle.
April: Okay, turn around.
Leslie: What? Why?
April: Because I’m about to say something serious, and I can’t do it if I have to look you in the eye. Please.
Leslie: Okay.
April: Now take your shoes off and wear them like mittens.
Leslie: April!
April: Okay, sorry. When I started working for you I was aimless and just thought everything was stupid and lame and you turned me into someone with goals and ambition. Which is really the only reason why I even thinking about what I really want. And I just want to say thank you. And I love you very much. Which is why I have decided not to turn you into a sea urchin. Which I could do. Because I’m an actual witch. With powers.

“Pie-Mary”

Leslie: The “Pie-Mary” is a southern Indiana tradition where congressional candidates’ wives face off in a pie baking contest. The last contest winner was June Hartwell’s buttermilk meringue. The last contest loser was… all women.

Ron: It’s an impossible puzzle. And I love puzzles! A minimal unhelpful note. These appear to be human teeth. And what is this? Twilight, New Moon?”
April: It’s a movie, but I’ve never seen it. It’s like about lame werewolves and vampires and stuff.

Leslie: There is no bigger defender of gender equality than Leslie Knope. And my husband Ben is a progressive champion of women’s rights.
Ben: Babe, the oven’s ready. Chop, chop. Time to get baking. Daddy want pie!

Gary: I’m probably gonna get an ear-full when I get home tonight. Gail might even call me the b-word. Bozo.

Jen: It’s like taking a shot of tequila. You just gotta force it down, and suddenly the world feels so much more pleasant. I do three shots every time I have to enter this house.

Leslie: I’m now gonna give you permanent answers to all the silly questions you’re going to end up asking me and every other women in this election over the next few months.
Why did I change my hairstyle? Oh, I don’t know. I just thought it would look better. Or, my kids got gum in it. Are you trying to have it all? That question makes no sense. It’s a stupid question. Stop asking it. Don’t ask it. Do you miss your kids while you’re at work? Yes. Of course I do everybody does. And then, you know, sometimes I don’t.
Ben: Yeah. And by the way, no one’s ever asked me that question. No one ever asks me where are your kids or who’s taking care of them. (By the way, who is taking care of the kids today?)

Parks and Recreation airs Tuesdays at 8/7c on NBC.