Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. “The Things We Bury” 

I’m pretty sure we can all agree that when someone who is, for all intents and purposes, a Nazi, (Hydra/Nazi. Same tree. Different leaf) invites you to go ahead and touch something, it is probably in your best interest to do everything in your power to not, in fact, go ahead and touch it. I could make history’s worst, “Pull my finger!” joke right now, but I think it’s the holidays for you people, so I’ll refrain. Consider it your own little Thanksgiving miracle, and a gift from me. You are welcome.

This week’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., “The Things We Bury,” cements Daniel Whitehall/Werner Reinhardt (Reed Diamond, Franklin and Bash; The Mentalist; Dollhouse) as pretty much the worst. I appreciate the pursuit of knowledge, but Whitehall is smoothly creepifying in his assertion that “Discovery requires experimentation.” He’d be the kind of scientist who’d flay a monkey alive just to measure his pain levels, revive him, and do it all again the next day, all the while eating a banana in front of him while he did it. Or separate a baby elephant from its mother and then rend it limb from limb while its mother was chained three feet away, hooked to monitors, trying to gauge her reaction in an attempt to determine whether animals had emotions. What he did to that poor ageless Chinese woman who is apparently Skye’s mom (Dichen Lachman, who seems to exist in the Whedonverse solely to be victimized: Dollhouse) was sickening.

The title of the episode is ironic because he didn’t even have the poor woman buried after he tortured and murdered her; he just had her dumped in the countryside after he stole from her what he needed to resurrect his decrepit, horrible self. I really hope Skye’s dad (Kyle MacLachlan, Twin Peaks; Desperate Housewives) follows through on his promise to destroy him. But I digress. 

Speaking of torture, because that seems to be our theme today: Anyone who has watched more than one season of Burn Notice (or, you know, followed real life, but why would you do that?) can tell you that using torture as the means to gather a confession is tricky business. Is the subject being truthful or just telling you what you want to hear in order to make the pain stop? Did Christian Ward (Tim DeKay, White Collar; Carnivale) honestly torment his younger brothers Grant (Brett Dalton) and Thomas because he hated their abusive mother and wanted to make her suffer by hurting Thomas, her favorite, or did he make that story up to stop Grant from torturing him? Or was he actually telling the truth a few episodes ago when he said former SHIELD agent Grant Ward made his version of events all up in his sick and twisted head and it was in fact, Grant who tormented Thomas?

Do I inherently trust either Ward brother over the other? Not really. Do I have a reason to? Not at all. Grant is a batshit crazy killer and I have no problem seeing him dropping a small boy down a well, just because he wanted to (“Maybe he’ll bounce…“). I had an asshole older brother; why did he lock me in a dark basement when we were kids and listen to me scream and cry? He just liked it (I’m fine now. Moving on…) Christian is cold and manipulative, willing to sell out his younger brother for some votes, so, even as a teenager I can picture him devising a plot to make his mother pay, and using his little brother as a pawn to achieve that.

Christian admitted to Grant that he was, in fact, the guilty party in the case of the well, (worst Hardy Boys adventure, ever)  but Grant had just killed Christian’s bodyguards, forced him to single-handedly dig up the well their parents had covered over after the incident, bashed his head against a tree and threatened to throw him down the hole and leave him there, so I’d say Christian was under some duress. I don’t know about the senator, but I’d be about ready to confess to whatever Grant wanted me to in order to get away from the mouth of that well.

And that, my friends, is what is wrong with depending on torture for answers. When your answers are coerced, they are just not dependable. Christian may have give Grant what he wanted, but Grant could have wanted Christian to confess, even falsely, so he could have felt personally validated in how he felt all those years and therefore give himself the personal go-ahead to slaughter his family. Who knows? The boy ain’t right. He and Hydra are going to make an excellent  fit. Again. 

Loose Ties:

• Those Agent Carter ads are really pissing me off. “Sometimes the best man for the job is a woman?” I know the show is set in the 1940’s, but is the promotion set there, too? I think my mom had that on a t-shirt she was wearing while she was drinking tea from her, “A Woman Needs a Man Like a Fish Needs a Bicycle,” mug. It’s condescending and stupid and really needs to stop.

• Sex in a car is never as much fun as you think it’s going to be. It’s crowded and there’s not enough room and there’s always garbage in the back seat. Elbows get bruised. But you kids have fun, Bobbi (Adrianne Palicki) and Hunter (Nick Blood)! Whatever stops you sniping at each other.

• Look at you go, Fitz (Iain De Caestecker). Out in the field, being useful. I’m so happy.

Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D airs Tuesdays at 9/8c on ABC.