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What They Said: Favorite Quotes from Quick Draw “The Grasshopper Plague” [+ Recap] 

Photo Credit: Hulu
Photo Credit: Hulu

After Eli’s uncle is killed during a grasshopper infestation, Eli inherits the family farm. Hoyle is thrilled by this news and can’t wait for his step-daughter and her husband to move out to the country and start popping out babies. Eli’s game, but Pearl is still whoring part-time to help pay down the debt on the farm. She hasn’t been able to find a way to break that news to Eli though, so when he finds her in bed with Frank James, he’s more than a little upset. Even though Pearl’s a whore, Eli doesn’t want her having sex with other men.

At the same time, random outlaws keep taking shots at Hoyle. He soon discovers there’s a bounty on his head but he doesn’t know who (currently) wants him dead. He hides out at Eli’s farm for a few days – and helps him birth some piglets – before the bounty hunters track him there as well. When he finally gets a good lead, he discovers it’s Frank James, at the behest of Cole Younger, who’s put the price on his head. Great Bend isn’t fun anymore since Hoyle’s been the sheriff. But Frank James agrees to call off the dogs if he can keep having sex with Pearl.

Photo Credit: Hulu
Photo Credit: Hulu

Even Tidwell gets caught in the crossfire as he’s trying to convert Hoyle. He’s a Jehovah’s Witness now and with the help of Kim Coles‘ Mrs. Tannenbaum he’s prosthelytizing  in the streets. But after he and Hoyle get into a fight and he demands that God smite both Hoyle and Mrs. Tannenbaum – and Mrs. Tannenbaum dies – Tidwell wisely runs away, leaving Hoyle to face a horde of bounty hunters on his own. Of course Hoyle gets away. He wouldn’t be the hero of a Western if he didn’t.

What They Said:

Eli: “Do you think Pearl would like to live on here?”
Hoyle: “Can you imagine if you were really that obtuse?”

Hoyle: “With the infant mortality rate chances are it’s gonna take a few tries. Like quite a few. Like in the teens.”

Hoyle: “God loves all of us…unless you don’t believe in Jesus. Then God hates you. Except when you’re a Jew, he does especially if you don’t love Jesus. If you’re a Jew and you love Jesus then God hates you for that. It’s very simple. Unless you’re Buddhist. Then it’s about finding the nothingness that’s in the universe, but that’s not God. God is everything. Nothing is nothing. And everything is everything.”
Pearl: “So what you’re saying is there’s no God?”
Hoyle: “Personally, yes. I feel that there’s absolutely no God. But I don’t say that to God because I’m Jewish and if there is an afterlife, I want to hedge my bets.”

Wanda: “Get a wiggle on, Hoyle.”

Hoyle: “I don’t know why strangers are taking shots at me.”

Hoyle: “Well, wait a second. I’m in the anus. Just a second. Let me try again here. Ok, there we go. There’s a piglet. Oh. You know what? I should’ve washed my hands after the anus, before the vagina.”
Eli: “Uh oh.”
Hoyle: “You feel that?”
Eli: “Yeah.”
Hoyle: “That is the penis of your first baby piglet.”
Eli: “Oh.”
Hoyle: “And you feel that?”
Eli: “Yeah.”
Hoyle: “That’s a tiny little v-jay-jay.”

Honey: “So you’re already planting the first seeds of lies in your marriage, huh?”
Pearl: “I guess.”
Honey: “Atta girl. I’ll tell you something Pearl. I’ve had a lot of men come and go outta my rooms and they have told me the secrets to a good marriage are just a carefully executed web of lies that you just spend your life teeter-tottering on to make sure none of the pieces of the web fall apart and you have just laid your first gossamer thread.”

Honey: “You start running and I’ll catch up with you.”

Hoyle: “Are you a bit concerned about the bible’s view, or at least some interpretation’s view on homosexuality?”
Tidwell: “I don’t see why I would be-”
Hoyle: “I mean, they point to Leviticus. I don’t-”
Tidwell: “I don’t care about that. I don’t know how it concerns me.”
Hoyle: “You are as homosexual as homosexual is.”
Mrs. Tannebaum: “These words and these acts are offensive in the eyes of the Lord.”
Hoyle: “See, I disagree. I personally accept you for who you are and at Harvard, I did some experimenting of my own. Let me tell you: Don’t knock it ‘til you’ve tried it. It’s ok to be a homosexual.”
Tidwell: “No, not in the eyes of the Lord. It’s not ok.”
Hoyle: “In the eyes of my Lord it’s ok.”
Tidwell: “You’re Lord is not the real Lord. There’s only one real Lord and his name is Sher-Jo-Vah.”
Mrs. Tannenbaum: “Hallelujah.”
Hoyle: “Adonai is another name for the Lord, ok?”
Tidwell: “I’m actually wasting my energy trying to save you and you’re not even reciprocating-”
Hoyle: “I don’t want to be saved!”
Tidwell: “Lord, smite him. You’re done. You’re done. You’re cursed.”

Photo Credit: Hulu
Photo Credit: Hulu

Bounty Hunter: “Sheriff, what we have here is a bad news/good news situation. The bad news is you gon die.”
Hoyle: “What’s the good news?”
BH: “The good news is I’m gon kill you.”
Hoyle: “Well, that’s the same as the bad news.”
BH: “The other bad news is…”
Hoyle: “There’s more bad news?”
BH: “I don’t like sharing. Ya’ll got til the count of zero to get outta here. Zero.”

Photo Credit: Hulu
Photo Credit: Hulu

Hoyle: “Ok, ok, ok, ok. While you were doing all that important stuff guess what I was doing? Avoiding two dozen bounty hunters, one of which had this like brass phallus sticking out of his tummy that was just- did you see it?”

Hoyle: “How did my charges not stick? I caught you robbing a bank.”
James: “Well, I didn’t actually rob it.”
Eli: “It doesn’t matter what his charges are, you’re sleeping with my wife.”
Pearl: “I’m trying to raise money to save the farm.”
Hoyle: “Well Pearl, when you whore can you whore with law-abiding citizens instead of known criminals?”

James: “Alright. Let’s say, hypothetically…”
Hoyle: “Kay.”
James: “There was a guy named…Mole Punger.”
Hoyle: “Mole Punger. I feel like I went to grade school with Mole Punger-”
Eli: “No. He’s the one, he built the schoolhouse.”
Hoyle: “No, no, no. That was Mole Funger.”
Eli: “Oh yeah, the Fungers.”
James: “Cole Younger!”

Hoyle: “From the time of Socrates until now no one knows why women want to do the stuff they do.”

Hoyle: “She wants to sleep with hundreds of men she doesn’t know at all, but her heart is yours. My advice? Say yes.”

Quick Draw airs Thursday on Hulu.

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