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What They Said

What They Said: Favorite Quotes From Archer “Archer Vice: A Kiss While Dying” 

Photo Credit: FX
Photo Credit: FX

Archer “Archer Vice: A Kiss While Dying”
Writer: Adam Reed

Archer: “How can they seize my penthouse?”
Malory: “Well a) they’re the government and b) ISIS owned that penthouse so-”
Archer: “Since when?”
Malory: “Since this new thing called always? It never struck you as odd that you lived there for ten years and never paid a dime in rent?”
Archer: “I just thought it was because I banged the landlord’s wife when she dropped off the key. But I realize now I was mistaken.”
Lana: “Aww. What a scary new feeling for you.”

Lana: “We all could’ve hidden our assets if you’d warned us that we all were about to be arrested for treason.”
Malory: “Oh, for the love of…how long are you going to throw that in my face?”
Lana: “Probably at least through the weekend.”
Malory: “Well, then you’ll have to throw it from Miami.”

Lana: “What’s in Miami?”
Malory: “Besides 90% of all mosquitoes and Cubans on earth?”
Archer: “Sounds high.”
Malory: “A buyer for twenty kilos of our cocaine.”
Lana: “Ok. Now you sound high.”

Lana: “My point is how did you, Malory, possibly set up a major drug deal?”
Malory: “Oh don’t worry about that.”
Lana: “I kinda feel like I should.”
Malory: “Just worry about not screwing up this deal because if all goes well my contact’s people may buy the rest. And the sooner we sell this cocaine the sooner we’ll all be set for life.”

Malory: “And so the sooner you go to Miami-”
Lana: “Oh. I’m sorry. Let me eat forty pounds of coke filled rubbers and we’re off.”
Malory: “Don’t be ridiculous.”
Archer: “Hello. Pregnant?”
Malory: “Dr. Krieger has devised a way to transport the cocaine undetected.”
Krieger: “Oh. You were serious?”

Archer: “Hey, Pam. Relax. Breathe. You’re doing fine. Since that special plaster in your cast can totally be absorbed through the skin you’re probably gonna want to try to minimize the sweating. Just think cool thoughts like eating mint chocolate chip ice cream. In your refrigerated drawer. At the morgue.”

Photo Credit: FX
Photo Credit: FX

Malory: “My God how I envy the deaf. I hope you’re a better lawyer than she is a singer.”
Cyril: “Uh. I’d have to be and I will be. I’m pretty darn excited to be practicing law again. I mean, hopefully I won’t have to defend anybody in court-”
Malory: “But there’s always a district attorney to blackmail, a witness to coerce, a judge to bribe.”
Cyril: “Bribe with what? The government seized the ISIS accounts. We’re broke.”
Malroy: “Hopefully not for long. And when that drug money starts rolling in you’ll be in charge of laundering.”
Cyril: “Hmm. I’ll start looking for a laundromat.”
Malory: “Wha? Money laundering you ass. Oh you mean as a front because a laundromat is a cash based business. Why don’t I just leave that whole side of the organization to you?”
Cyril: “Only if you promise to periodically micromanage it and emasculate me.”
Malory: “Cyril, I would’ve thought that goes without saying.”

Archer: “Ugh. This smells like a kennel, but for dogs that are poor.”
Lana: “Archer!”
Archer: “What? Smell it.”

Archer: “Lana you and I, more me, were two of the best secret agents in the world.”
Lana: “We were rogues.”
Archer: “Potato, puh-treason. Whatever. But we’ve been up against terrorists, assassins, the KGB, the IRA remember, North Korea, cyborgs, um help me out.”
Lana: “Uh. Space pirates?”
Archer: “Oh my God. I forgot about the space pirates! But the point is we are highly-trained covert operatives with an extremely dangerous set of skills.”

Lana: “It’s just we’re like two days into this whole drug cartel thing and you’re already addicted to cocaine.”
Pam: “Oh oh oh. So I should take life advice from an unwed mother? With a dirty car?”

Pam: “Is he a zombie?”
Lana: “Pam!”

Ramon: “You and  me together at last.”
Lana: “Implying that you two haven’t ever, cough, been together or…”
Archer: “Look, it was a mission Lana. Ramon’s Latino so he’s comfortable expressing affection. It doesn’t make him gay.”
Ramon: “Although I am.”
Archer: “So go ahead Lana. Judge away.”

Archer: “Wait. Seriously?”
Ramon: “Yes. They were very clear. No guns.”
Archer: “But…”
Ramon: “I gave mi palabra.”
Archer: “Right. Sorry.”
Lana: “Archer!”
Archer: “Lana! He gave his palabra.”
Lana: “If anything goes wrong I’m holding you responsible.”
Archer: “Yeah. That’ll teach me.”

Photo Credit: FX
Photo Credit: FX

Cyril: “Tough day, huh?”
Ray: “The high point was getting shot at.”

Charles: “You dumdums. We’re gonna go ahead and take the money and the cocaine.”
Archer: “Goddammit.”
Lana: “And so right about here is the part where I hold you responsible.”
Archer: “Oh my God the burden.”
Charles: “Can I finish? And we’ll take the fondue set because you were a total b-hole about the fork.”

Ramon: “This is loco.”
Archer: “No, Ramon. Getting my stolen money back isn’t loco it’s…wait. What’s the word for rational.”
Ramon: “Racional.”

Lana: “Loco was trusting you.”
Archer: “How can you say that? To Ramon of all people?”
Lana: “Look. I don’t know what kind of history you two have together-”
Archer: “History? What’re you trying to…that’s crazy. We didn’t even kiss. Do you even hear how crazy you sound?”
Lana: “Do you?”
Archer: “I don’t know. Yes. Shut up. Ramon, I’m sorry but this whole thing is kind of your fault. So you’re taking us to wherever Charles and Rudi are having a money fight with our million bucks.”

Archer: “Ok, Lana-”
Lana: “Votes we cut our loses and go home while reminding you, seemingly unnecessarily, that she is pregnant.”
Archer: “Oh my God, how long are you gonna use that for an excuse?”
Lana: “Probably at least through child birth.”
Archer: “Oh. You were serious.”

Malory: “How is she singing so…well?”
Krieger: “Probably because she doesn’t know anyone’s watching. You’d be amazed what you people do when you think you’re alone. Cyril.”
Cyril: “Dammit Krieger!”

Archer: “Oh my God. This is exactly how I pictured their house.”
Ramon: “Oh, wait until you see inside. Adios mio. They just redid the kitchen.”
Lana: “Ahem.”
Archer: “What? Just because you have no taste.”
Lana: “Or patience. So if you could just hurry up and get our money-”
Pam: “And cocaine! And cocaine! Get the coke-”

Photo Credit: FX
Photo Credit: FX

Archer: “This is the best kitchen ever.”
Charles: “Aww mercy. Thank you. You know, if we could go back in time there’s a few things we’d change.”
Archer: “Goddammit.”
Charles: “But overall we’re pretty happy although it’s gonna be a bitch to scrub your brains out of the grout.”

Ramon: “I’m so cold-”
Archer: “What? Hearted? What the hell? Was this all a scam or-”
Ramon: “No. No, I swear. Just muy complicado. I’m sorry. I cannot explain right now.”
Archer: “Oh, why? Because you’re…dying. Right. Sorry.”
Ramon: “Take the money. God knows you’ve earned it. All I ask is one small favor…before I die.”
Archer: “Yes, Ramon. I’ll do anything.”

Lana: “You name it kid, savings bond, a puppy, breastfeed you senseless just forgive for what’s about to happen. So, um, quick question-”
Malory: “Why the hell were you kissing him?”
Lana: “With what appeared to be tongue.”
Archer: “Because I- it was muy complicado Lana…and the last wish of a dying man.”
Lana: “Who you had a crush on.”
Archer: “I, no. I- just go smoke some menthols.”
Malory: “Alright Sterling. Calm down. My God, it’s not as though I care. As long as-”
Archer: “As long as I brought back the money. Is that what you were gonna say?”
Malory: “Yes. And I don’t have time for this. I have a country music star to manage.”

Archer airs Mondays at 10/9c on FX.

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