What They Said: Favorite Quotes from Parks and Rec “Gin It Up!” 

Episode Title: “Gin It Up!’
Writer: Matt Murray

Leslie: “Man your heart’s in the right place. Your heart and your butt.”

April: “Can I have these question mark stickers?”
Leslie: “Why?”
April: “I want to put them on stop signs.”
Leslie: “April! NO!”

Ben: “Whoa. I’m pretty sure you shouldn’t have a weapon at work.”
Ron: “Literally everything is a weapon, son. That folder in my hands is far deadlier than this bow in yours.”
Ben: “Oh. That’s probably…true.”

Ron: “That’s your will? You need that many pages to say ‘Give my stuff to my wife?'”
Ben: “It’s a complicated legal document.”
Ron: “Doesn’t have to be. I’ve had the same will since I was 8 years old.”
Ben: “Upon my death all of my belongings shall transfer to the man or animal who has killed me. What are these weird symbols?”
Ron: “The man who kills me will know.”

Ron: “The three most useless jobs in the world are, in order: lawyer, congressman and doctor. Pass.”
Ben: “Ron, that document is nothing. It’s not even notarized. You know if you die and you don’t have a real will, most of what you own will go to the government.”
Ron: “Where is this lawyer you speak of?”

Chris: “We have an issue. A tweet has been tweeted from the Parks and Rec twitter and I’m afraid it is quite sexually graphic.”
Leslie: “It’s probably just some bored teenager who hacked the account.”
Chris: “Donna, there is trouble a-brewin’.”
Leslie: “We think you may have accidentally tweeted from the Parks and Rec account rather than your own personal account.”
Donna: “Uh oh. What’d it say?”
Leslie: “‘See you tonight. Hope you like tongue baths, you big nasty fireman.'”
Chris: “Then there’s a picture of a pair of lips and then a picture of an eggplant. I’m both confused, and if we’re being totally honest, a little aroused.”
Leslie: “Ew.”
Donna: “Not to give you too much of a peek into my personal life, but this could’ve been way worse.”

Jamm: “This will be blown way out of proportion. You have my word on it.”

Leslie: “Don’t worry about it Donna we’re gonna nip this in the bud.”
Chris: “Guard your buds! Because they’re about to get nipped!”

April: “So you’ve gone insane. That’s fun.”
Tom: “I just panicked. She’s so out of my league my brain just made me talk that way so I’d seem cooler. What should I do?”
April: “Nothing. This is amazing.”

Trevor: “Mr. Swanson. Let’s begin by filling out this form listing your assets and liabilities.”
Ron: “Nice try. I’m not telling you how much money I have, where it’s hidden or which previous metals and/or gemstones it may or may not take the form of.”

Jamm: “Alright let’s begin. These hearings have two goals. One, to find out exactly how this offensive tweet came to be sent and two, to turn this whole thing into a media circus.”

Nadia: “Can I feel your glands?”
Tom: “Sure.”
Nadia: “Wow you are wearing a lot of moisturizer on your throat.”
Tom: “Best way to prevent crow’s neck.”
Nadia: “Is this glitter?”

Tom: “I am in love with Nadia Whatever-Her-Last-Name-Is and I’m gonna keep her here using the most powerful weapon I have. Bureaucratic incompetence.”

April: “I know. It’s so crazy it almost sounds made up.”

Leslie: “Councilman Dexhart is currently being sued by two different women for sexual harassment, one of whom was the judge in the first woman’s trial.”
Dexhart: “She was talking dirty to me.”
Leslie: “She was reading the emails that you sent to the first woman.”

Trevor: “Is this a joke?”
Ron: “Another word for ‘jokes’ is ‘lies.’ I do not lie therefore I do not joke.”

Leslie: “I have a question for you. Do you think I’m annoying?”
Chris: “No.”
Leslie: “Are you lying?”
Chris: “No.”
Leslie: “Are you trying to protect my feeling?”
Chris: “No.”
Leslie: “Do you think I’m being annoying right now?”
Chris: “Yes.”
Leslie: “So you do think I’m annoying.”

Chris: “I think a lot of things. I like thinking. And racquetball.”

Chris: “Isn’t language fun? It’s like racquetball! For your mouth.”

April: “Did you change your outfit?”
Tom: “I’ve changed five times and she hasn’t noticed yet. I can only stall for so long. What should I do?”

Ben: “We need to talk.”
Ron: “That has never been true.”

Ben: “Oh. You’re joking.”
Ron: “Yes son, I am. First joke ever. Don’t care for it.”

Ben: “Wait. Is this a joke?”
Trevor: “It is not a joke. Not that an accountant would know the difference.”

Jamm: “Everyone take your seats so this witch hunt may proceed as scheduled.”

Leslie: “We are not gonna sit in this room and let you drag our names through the mud just to score some cheap political points.”
Jamm: “How dare you demean the value of the political points I’m scoring.”

Nadia: “So, you wanna go out with me?”
Tom: “Yes please.”
Nadia: “Ok. Bye.”
April: “Ok, You owe me, like a thousand favors. See ya.”

Parks and Rec airs Thursdays at 8/7c on NBC.