What They Said: Favorite Quotes from Brooklyn Nine-Nine “The Slump” 

Episode: “The Slump”
Writer: Prentice Penny

Peralta: “Wrong. Die Hard is the best cop movie of all time. One cop heroically saves the day while everyone else stands around and watches. It’s the story of my life.”

Diaz: “No. Robocop. It’s got everything I like: gratuitous violence…”
Peralta: “Oh I thought you were listing things.”
Diaz: “I was. I’m done.”

“Gina: “Let’s talk Bad Boys. That’s the perfect cop movie. Mr. Smith looking fine, a hot cup of Tea Leoni? Come on.”

Scully: “My doctor said I have an anal canyon.”
Peralta: “God Scully. Why are you always telling us about your disgusting body?”

Peralta: “How are you married?”

Holt: “Peralta, where are we on the Adams Street burglary?”
Peralta: “We are very close, Captain, aside from a complete absence of evidence, suspects, or leads. So in conclusion not al all close.”

Peralta: “Wait. Before you say anything I want to guess what happened based on your face. Someone died? No. You won a prize. I’m not getting better at this.”

Peralta: “Ok sir. Let me hit you with a  little analogy. Are you familiar with race cars?”
Holt: “Formula one or stock?”
Peralta: “That’s already way more than I know about it. The point is I’m a super, awesome race car who’s hit a couple of unlucky speed bumps.”
Holt: “There are speed bumps on a racetrack?”
Peralta: “Is that not part of car racing? It should be.”

Holt: “What did I say about doing voices?”
Peralta: “I’m a storyteller sir. It’s my craft.”

Holt: “The DA wanted me to personally thank you for your work on the J Street drug bust.”
Santiago: “That’s why we do this sir.”
Holt: “For praise?”

Holt: “Be more articulate when you speak to the children.”
Santiago: “Yes sir. I will make better mouth.”

Terry: “I love being scary Terry. He says what regular Terry’s thinking.”

Boyle: “No one asked you to take your shirt off. Stop volunteering to take your shirt off.”

Santiago: “You know how every year the precinct does that junior police program seminar?”
Diaz: “That thing where we try to get a bunch of loser kids to become student snitches?”
Santiago: “No. The thing where we try to get at risk kids-”
Diaz: “Losers.”
Santiago: “-to sign up to become junior police officers.”
Diaz: “Snitches. What about it?”

Gina: “Ok. No hard feelings, but I hate you. No joking. Bye.”

Terry: “Why was your hand in her back pocket?”
Peralta: “Well she told me she didn’t have any ID and unlike Boyle my first instinct was not to caress her butt.”
Boyle: “Frisked. I frisked her butt.”

Holt: “What’s going on in here?”
Boyle: “We’re helping Jake’s friend get out of a slump.”
Holt: “Well try working a case until it’s solved Peralta. I always find that closing cases is the best way to end a slump.”

Hitchcock: “You had me at no paperwork.”
Peralta: “That was the very end of the sentence.”

Diaz: “What’s happening?”
Santiago: “I think they’re laughing at you.”
Diaz: “That’s never happened before. I don’t like it.”

Old man: “The only drugs in this apartment are for my heart, my liver, my kidney, my salivary glands and my penis and my feet.”

Hitchcock: “Four coming in!”
Peralta: “Oh come on.”
Hitchcock: “I was at the crime scene. This guy comes up outta nowhere. Confesses. Well, he says he’s gotta make things right so he helps me track down his accomplices.”
Peralta: “That is so great man. Looks like everything’s coming up Hitchcock.”

Gina: “Hey Jake? You busy?”
Peralta: “Yes. I very clearly am busy.”

Gina: “I don’t think it’s the slump. You are straight up cursed.”

Holt: “You’re dripping on my carpet.”
Peralta: “Don’t worry sir. It’s just urinal water. Clean urinal water.”
Boyle: “You could eat off his shirt.”
Holt: “Why would I ever eat off his shirt?”

Holt: “Could be a week. Could be a month.”
Boyle: “Could be a year. Could be a decade. Sorry, we’re just saying bigger and bigger numbers.”

Diaz: “In this case not being a cop might actually be better.”
Gina: “That’s true in all cases. Cops are the worst.”

Boyle: “You ok?”
Terry: “The fairy princess castle has defeated me.”

Terry: “And there’s wheels. What kind of castle has wheels?”

Peralta: “Now you were wondering why we did this in the bathroom. It’s because you’re full of crap.”
Boyle: “Blamo. Jake Hammer strikes again.”

Santiago: “As important as your praise is to me it should actually go to Gina. She’s the one who got through to the kids.”
Gina: “Yes I am amazing. And I only ask for one thing in repayment. A six hundred percent raise.”
Holt: “Or I could give you a zero percent raise and make you my personal assistant, which is what I’m doing. I think you have hidden talents which will make you surprisingly good at this.”
Gina: “No. I have no talents.”
Holt: “You start Monday.”

Peralta: “Permission to take a selfie of the two of us sir.”
Holt: “Permission denied.”
Peralta: “Too late.”

Peralta: “So you think I’m talented? No take backs.”

Boyle: “Some jobs take brains. Some jobs take muscles. Some jobs take dainty little fingers. Did I ever tell you I had to wear a woman’s wedding ring?”

Brooklyn Nine-Nine airs Tuesdays at 8:30/7:30c on Fox.