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What They Said

What They Said: Favorite Quotes from New Girl Season 3 Premiere “All In” 

Photo Credit: Ray Mickshaw/FOX
Photo Credit: Ray Mickshaw/FOX

Episode: “All In”
Written by: Elizabeth Meriwether

Nick: “I’m weirdly all in.”

Jess: “What’s next? What do we do now?”
Nick: “I’m really fighting the urge to buy you a lobster dinner.”

Nick: “We’ve only been dating for 30 minutes and we’re already living together.”

Nick: “You know what that is.”
Jess: “Either male genitalia or a really big thumbs down.”
Nick: “Why would he send me male genitalia?”

Jess: “How many times a day does Schmidt text you?”
Nick: “I don’t know. Just like 40.”

Schmidt: “Ugh. Where have you been? I’m having a major life crisis and you guys are what? Just driving around French-kissing each other like a couple of Dutch hookers? What is that, Nick? Is that a hickey? Disgusting.”

Schmidt: “Well Winston, after 25 unanswered text messages to Nick and Jess this morning I finally received a response. A smiley face. This leaves us with one choice: to become best friends.”
Winston: “Huh? Yeah. Fine.”
Schmidt: “For r-, ok great. Now as my best friend I expect you to be willing to sacrifice everything for me at a moment’s notice including, of course, unfortunately for you, your dignity.”
Winston: “Yeah. Fine.”
Schmidt: “Winston, what can I do for you?”
Winston: “Don’t talk to me that much, never lie to me, and never, ever touch my puzzle.”

Schmidt: “Don’t you agree that sometimes when you start puzzles you get a little bit weird, and I don’t know, intense? You spend a lot of time humming. You also spend a lot of time naked.”
Winston: “I’m gonna do you puzzle. Right on the table. As nasty as you want to be. Hey, Schmidt, what do you think it’s gonna look like?”
Schmidt: “What do I think it’s going to look like?”
Winston: “Yeah, the puzzle.”
Schmidt: “Winston, it’s on the box. The…the picture’s on the box. It’s a Japanese Garden.”

Schmidt: “Cece and I, we have this connection. You know it’s physical. It’s unhealthy. Look, I don’t want to get to graphic with you but I’m not just a plug with her. I’m also a socket.”

Photo Credit: Ray Mickshaw/FOX
Photo Credit: Ray Mickshaw/FOX

Schmidt: “Look at that. I just looked down and thought this girl must be wearing sneakers with shoelaces and those shoelaces must be tied together because this girl is straight trippin’, yo.”
Cece: “What?”
Schmidt: “Of course I want to be with you.”

Elizabeth: “What are you trying to say Schmidt? Is it over?”
Schmidt: “No. No. As if. Of course I picked you. It wasn’t even close. Come here you crazy white girl.”

Nick: “Those cops look like they’re fifteen and they have huge guns. Jess, are we in Mexico?”
Jess: “All in!”
Nick: “We’re in Mexico! Oh my God! Pull over. That pinata’s shaped like a monkey.”

Photo Credit: Ray Mickshaw/FOX
Photo Credit: Ray Mickshaw/FOX

Schmidt: “Tell her what you did Winston. And give her the short version, which you did not give to Elizabeth.”
Cece: “Wha-”
Winston: “What I did. Um. Ok. Well, I drove over there to seduce her and I seduced her two and a half times.”
Schmidt: “Puzzle me this, then, Winston. How do you live with yourself?”

Schmidt: “Just this morning he asked me for a pair of your underpants.”
Cece: “Winston? Is that true?”
Winston: “Yes. I needed your underwear to sew into my underwear.”
Cece: “Oh. My. God. That is disgusting. You are a pervert!”

Schmidt: “You’re upset. As you should be. Oh, but that was great man.”
Winston: “How long has this been going on man?”
Schmidt: “Four days.”
Winston: “Four days and you didn’t tell me? Come on Schmidt. I said don’t lie to me.”

Winston: “Cece think I’m wearing her panties right now.”
Schmidt: “Well that’s on you man. You freaked out super hard.”

Winston: “Look, we’re not best friends Schmidt. As a matter of fact, we’re not friends at all until you fix this.”

Jess: “Wait. Where are you taking him?”
Cop: “Jail.”

Schmidt: “Truce, ok? Winston please. Come on. Talk to me. I need a friend right now. I love both of these women and I can’t lose them and I can’t hurt them. And we made a pact.”
Winston: “No. You lied to me. You’re a liar.”
Schmidt: “Ok, would you like some truth Winston? Here’s some truth for you ok? You’re terrible at puzzles. Worst I’ve ever seen by a mile. What are you? Fly vision? Look at this puzzle. It’s ages six and up. You’re up. You are way up.”
Winston: “You wanna say it to my face?”
Schmidt: “This is a corner piece Winston! How do you not see that? What are you? Blind? I’m so sorry. Actually a blind man could feel the smooth edges of a corner piece!”

Jess: “This is not the time for fighting. Nick is in a Mexican jail. We don’t know this country. We don’t know their laws. We don’t know how to get him out. I just hope he’s found somebody who can protect him and take care of him.”
Winston: “What, you hope he’s somebody’s bitch?”
Jess: “No. Like a mentor.”
Schmidt: “He’d never be picked as a bitch.”
Winston: “Nick is very attractive. He could be a bitch.”
Schmidt: “A sissy perhaps, but not a bitch.”
Winston: “He could be a bitch.”
Schmidt: “He cannot be a bitch.”

Jess: “Nick’s body is being traded like cigarettes right now.”

Photo Credit: Ray Mickshaw/FOX
Photo Credit: Ray Mickshaw/FOX

Jess: “Oh my God, I thought he was taking you to jail.”
Nick: “Not, it’s resort jail. It’s not so bad. They let me watch Ugly Betty.”

Schmidt: “Winston does not get me at all. And, plus he’s color-blind, which basically makes him crippled.”

Schmidt: “Winston! If you think those shoes are brown what color do you think you are?”

Schmidt: “Sayonara masturbation for the rest of my life.”

 New Girl airs Tuesdays at 9/8c on Fox.

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