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What They Said

What They Said: Favorite Quotes From Archer “The Papal Chase” 

Photo Credit: FX
Photo Credit: FX

Episode: “The Papal Chase”

  • “What’s going on?” “Where?” “Uh, this new place called here.” “Nothing.”
  • “Because I’m seriously asking, did Krieger give you robot hands?” “Not yet, but you just say the word.”
  • “Nothing! Is going on Lana. If there were I would tell you but-” “Uh, there’s a Cardinal Corelli on line 1 for you? Something about a radical faction of the Swiss guard assassinating the Pope tomorrow night.” “You need to get that?”
  • “Do you need to get that?” “No, I’m sure whoever it is-” “It’s the Vatican. Line 1! JESUS!”
  • “Your agents of ISIS, they are ready? No?” “Or they are confused verging on angry.” “Lana, it’s an undercover mission. At the Vatican.” “What? They don’t have black nuns? Although, granted, I’ve never seen one but that’s not like a rule…is it?”
  • “You can’t. No one is gonna believe Archer is a priest!”
Photo Credit: FX
Photo Credit: FX
  • “For your information, Lana, I have totally prepared for this mission.” “Well, that’s a-” “First thing I did was watch every episode of Lucy, Daughter of the Devil. Which, by the way, was grossly-” “Inadequate preparation for an undercover mission protecting the Pope from an assassination attempt.”
  • “Pam!” “What?” “Pam?” “What?” “Paaaaaaam!” “Whaaaaat?” “I don’t know. What are we doing?”
  • “Lana, the assassination plot is being hatched by the Swiss guard.” “So?” “So it’s an 8 hour flight, so we get some tapes and brush up on our…” “Swiss?” “Duh.” “Well, since Swiss isn’t a language maybe you should get some tapes on German, French, Italian, and Romansh.” “Maybe I will.”
  • “Oh really? Because she didn’t specify an agent-in-command Lana, so I would argue-” “With a fence post?”
  • “Who am I? Cypher? The gayest X-Man?” “I don’t know. Gambit looks like he knows his way about a pair of-“
  • “Ah crap, he’s already dead.” “No he’s not. He’s just old. That’s how Woodhouse looks when he’s asleep.”
  • “Dead. Nice job Oliver Cromwell.” “I killed the pope.” “Yeah, that’s why I said Oliver Crom-” “Jesus Christ. I’m going to hell, I’m going to hell, I’m going-“
  • “Do you at least have a sidearm?” “It was ruining the lines of my cassock.”
  • “I’m not tossing the frickin pope.” “Somehow this is all your fault.”
Photo Credit: FX
Photo Credit: FX
  • “Well, it was this or the Vespas. It’s not my fault Italy’s so gay. Which, by the way, Pope, on the gay thing…”
  • “So, why are you scared of church stuff?” “Did the unspeakable happen to your slender, hairless adolescent body?” “Wh-? No.” “Aww.” “Ew.”
  • “First of all I’m not scared of priests or nuns or-” “Bishops?” “No, I just-” “Bishop, the android from Aliens?” “No. I just told Ms. Archer that because I didn’t want to go on another mission with the world’s worst colleague.” “Bishop, the android from Aliens!” “Archer! You think he’s a dick here? On a mission he’s ten times worse.” “That’s impossible.”
  • “Why aren’t they on horseback?” “Because why would they be?” “Right. Right. Halberdsmen are foot-soldiers.”
  • “What are you doing?” “I’m letting them catch up?” “Why?” “Can I finish? He asked agent-in-commandingly. Take the wheel and maintain speed. Woodhouse, lighter.” “I’m only 90 pounds wet, sir.” “What? No, you idiot, your spoon-cooker.”
  • “He really drops the G.D. bombs.” “Plus he’s a whoremonger.” “Cough.” “Oh please. Who hasn’t paid for it?”
  • “What the- Pam! What did he say?” “What do you think he said, dicknuts? Pay attention to the frickin context.” “Well sorry I don’t have your language nerd skills. Hang on…Pambit.” “Wrong X-Man, dumbass!” Still though…”
  • “The bad news is…” “Oh, right.” “The men you killed were Camorra.” “What are they like, the mafia?” “The Camorra is like your mafia like-” “Seal Team 6 is like the Girl Scouts.” “So, equally sexy?” “Eww.”

Archer airs Thursdays at 10/9c on FX.

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