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What They Said

What They Said: Favorite Quotes From Archer “Coyote Lovely” 

Photo Credit: FX
Photo Credit: FX

Episode: “Coyote Lovely”

  • “How are you bored?” “Don’t engage him.” “Because I’ve been lying in scorpion piss for two hours in this sun-blasted sh*t-hole, which is Texas, waiting for a stupid truck stuffed with smallish brown people who just want a job.” “And probably Mexican cartel gunmen.”
  • “This is what he does. He knows we’re tense because we’re normal human beings. My theory? And I’m serious, is that he’s got some rare kind of pervasive developmental disorder, or even undiagnosed atypical autism.” “Um. Your mic’s hot.” “I know.”
  • “I can do this all day! Since I find repetitive behavior so calming!” “Jesus Chris. I’m sorry.” “Oww. Apologize to my tinnitus.”
  • “Moreno is a woman.” “No sh*t.”
  • “I don’t understand. If Moreno had surrendered, how did it go so wrong?” “Uh well, kind of slowly at first.”
  • “Whoa, hey, ladies come on. I know the adrenaline’s still pumping but let’s, you know, de-escalate the situation.” “Oh, for de-escalate your dick.” “De- wait. I mean escalate shutting up.”
  • Lana, Mexico gets the news. I think.”
  • “How ’bout we let Senor…ita?” “Si.” “Awesome. Senorita Moreno go with a stern warning if she promises never to do this again, maybe over a drink.” “Hola?” “Oh sh*t. I forgot there’s people in there.”
  • “Well, I’m sorry, but if we let them out then boom, they scatter.” “To where?” “Uh, our overburdened healthcare system, ooh or maybe our tax-funded government schools, for which – spoiler ahead – they don’t pay taxes.”
Photo Credit: FX
Photo Credit: FX
  • “How is a lorax-blowing treehugger like you anti-immigration?” “Because illegal immigration-” “Exactly! I mean it’s not like your ancestors, you know, had papers.” “Wow.”
  • “Because I couldn’t hear you…over the sound…of now I’m punching you.”
  • “Have you lost your mind?” “No, just my temper.”
  • “She’s not fine. She’s, at least, got a concussion.” “So? You get like six freebies.”
  • “It’s over. We are turning Moreno over to the border patrol and taking Lana to a hospital.” “Can’t let you do that. The first part. The hospital is probably a good idea.”
  • “Ok. We’ll just see what your mother has to say about it.” “Do not call her. I swear to God I’ll…wait, hang on. Are you wearing Kevlar?” “Yeah, because I’m not an…oh no.”
  • “Now then, I believe there was some mention of a thank you drink?”
  • “Tempers were kinda high about the illegals in the truck.” “Oh, who cares about them?” “Not Lana.”
  • “Uh, remind me Pam, when did Ms. Archer say she wanted us to shred this crap?” “You did say ‘right this second.'” “I said it on Tuesday!” “Well?” “Well what?” “I actually don’t have a follow up.” “But speaking of, I bet a Mexican would do this for like a buck an hour.” “Those documents are top secret.” “You let Pam do it.”
  • “Milk comes from Mexicans? Oh my God! What’s cereal made from?”
Photo Credit: FX
Photo Credit: FX
  • “Hey I’m serious. If I have to pull this car over you will regret it. So share the godda*n Doritos. Yeah, looking right at ya Lupe.”
  • “You want me to look for what?” “A station wagon. Clean the massive impending heart attack out of your ears.” “A station wagon? In all of Texas.”
  • “Swear to God, you people make me want to pump nerve gas through the vents.” “Just say the word.” “Kreiger! No or nein or whatever. And how the hell is this our fault?”
  • “I’m really starting to regret helping you.” “Well, this is the opposite of help, which no one asked you for anyway.” “That’s what makes it so noble!”
  • “Goddam*it Chuy. I don’t have autism. I thought if I let you go you’d at least blow me.”
  • “No, but – Chuy back me up here. Was there not like a cock-hungry vibe?”
  • “They’ll kill us.” “Uh uh. Empty.” “What?” “Those are three-fifty-seven, ow, Ruger sixes. They each fired six.” “How did you count them?” “I’m just super good at that. Oh my God, maybe I am autistic.”
  • “If I could I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize for that racial slur.” “Si. What about the racial profiling, huh? Whatever happened to the probable cause?” “Our probable cause is the border, which we protect from terrorists. Look, we’re just doing our job here.” “Shi*ly. Two for twelve at that distance? Although two does seem like plenty.”
  • “And, not to sound racist again, but how many Mexicans does it take to hook up a car stereo?” “Hey.” “Well?” “Well, what?” “Don’t actually have a follow up.”
Photo Credit: FX
Photo Credit: FX
  • “Why would we need the eight-track?”
  • “What do you mean ‘Way to Go?’ Which you clearly said sarcastically?” “I mean thanks to you now there might not be any reward money, which I had earmarked for vital operations.” “You were gonna redo your office.”
  • “Put a shirt on. What is wrong with you?” “Archer is what is wrong with me. And not that I care at all, but have you tried calling him?”
  • “You should not be talking right now.” “And he, uh, really shouldn’t be drinking.” “Oh really? Did you learn that in med school that you obviously didn’t get in to? I’m sorry, veterinarian. I’m in a lot of pain.” “I don’t even know how you’re alive.” “Well, I’m very strong. And also very drunk.”
  • “Wait, but two border patrol agents are missing, Archer’s missing, and you want us to do nothing?” “Yes, just like you’ve done up to now.” “Malory, we-” “But thank you both for all that you did do, which again, was nothing.” “Nothing? I got shot.” “Any idiot can get shot Cyril.”

Archer airs Thursdays at 10/9c. All images courtesy of FX.

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