What They Said: Favorite Quotes From Archer “Live and Let Dine” 

Episode: “Live and Let Dine”

• “This is gonna be televised?” “Yeah? The show’s called ‘Bastard Chef?'”

• “Anyway, those Isis idiots are doing security and for some inexplicable reason they have to do that undercover so…” “Whoops.” ” That’s probably why I seem annoyed.”

• “Let’s go Chet. C’mon, chop chop.” “If you’re the onlewho dropped it, why do I have to clean it up?” “Because you’re the garçon de cuisine, which means kitchen boy, whereas I am the sous chef, which means shut your face and mop up the damn yogurt.”

• “Why do you get to be sous chef?” “Because I have fine dining experience. I used to own a restaurant.” “It was a burger joint.”

• “Cryil… I mean Chet-” “Archer.” “She means Randy.” “Can I borrow you?” “Sure… uhm, Mitzi.” “My name is not Mitzi. Walk in. Now.” “Yeah, I got time for a quickie.”

• “You guys can edit that out, right?” “Yes, but we won’t.”

• “So quick question. Do you think it’s a good idea to be talking to a TV crew when we’re undercover?” “Fake names, duh. Follow up question. Do you know how TV actually works?” “I-” “They’re not gonna broadcast this episode in the restaurant tonight. Wait, are you guys?”

• “What are you doing?” “Well, I’ll tell you what I’m not doing-” “Besides your job?” “My job is-” “Answering the damn phone. A task so simple if the health department would let me I’d have a monkey do it.”

• “So just so I’m clear, instead of assessing the security needs for tonight I’m answering phone calls from people who aren’t good enough to eat here in the first place?” “Yeah. So try to sound apologetic but, you know, not overly so.”

• “Food? We’re not making food, people. We’re creating cuisine. Food is what a dog eats. Or a tourist.” “Wait. A dog ate a tourist?” “What?” “That was ambiguously worded!”

• “Why are you antagonizing him?” “Cyril, c’mon, it’s my nature. See?”

• “Should you be smoking in here?” “Should you be flaming in here?” “You know-” “Boom. Bumper!”

• “Yeah, ‘child-murderer’ shouldn’t be hyphenated. That makes it seem like he’s a murderer who’s also a child.” “Actually, no it doesn’t.”

• “How and why are you enjoying this?” “Well, for one thing I’m pretty drunk. And besides bartending in Polynesia, I’ve never had a real job so-” “Wait. Never?” “Uh… oh, when I was ten I asked if I could sell ‘Grit’ door to door, you know so I could win some of those x-ray specs? But Mother said they were fake and also that I’d get raped and murdered.”

• “Nice, yes, and that is excellent A.B.B.A.B.” “Always Be Berating And Belittling.”

• “I- oh by God, you admire that dick.” “He’s a masterchef Lana. Which turns out is not nearly as gay a job as I thought it was. I mean it’s no secret agent but it’s way above architect.”

• “I’m not cutting out their eyeballs.” “Well, not with that. Use a melon baller.”

• “You are talking about eggplants.” “No, Lana, I’m talking about aubergines.” “They’re the same thing.”

• “I mean, maybe being a secret agent isn’t your true calling.” “Yeah, my mother says that a lot.”

• “Hmm. So just so I’m clear, uh you want me to use this top secret 934-TX telephonic isolator unit, for which you have neither the clearance nor the written permission to even gaze up, to find all phone numbers associated with this physical address.”

• “A flagrant violation of my sworn duty for which my recompense will be, if in fact I heard you correctly-” “Yes you, in fact, did and said recompense will, in fact, be a handjob.” “No.” “From her.” “Yes!”

• “Oh my God, it’s you! You’re the threat. You couldn’t get a table so you made an anonymous threat and got Isis hired to do security.” “Well that’s still no excuse for poor service.”

• “Not you Chet. You look like a dinosaur’s tampon.”

• “So that’s a ‘no’ on the wine pairing?” “Mallory, a man’s just been murdered.”

• But, chef…why?” “Six million bucks, which I’m gonna use to deficit finance a new show where I travel so I can insult people’s cooking all over the globe.” “Now there’s a show I’d like to- wait. You won’t get away with this!”

• “Wow. Remind me not to piss you off.” “Remind yourself. “Yes, dear.”

Archer airs Thursdays at 10/9c on FX.