By using our website, you agree to the use of our cookies.
What They Said

What They Said: Favorite Quotes From Archer “Once Bitten” 

Photo Credit: FX
Photo Credit: FX

Episode: “Once Bitten”

  • “Hey, don’t yell at me. I’m not the idiot that got us stuck.” “You were driving so, yes, you are exactly the idiot who got us stuck.”
  • “Right. Because an idiot wouldn’t wipe his a** with our only map.” “No, an idiot would wipe his a** with our only compass.” “Wait. Which is where?” “Who am I? Lewis and-or Clark?” “Archer!” “Well the last time I saw it it was on the bar in the Athens airport.” “God da*m it.” “Yeah. I doubt it’s still there.”
  • “Whereas this one, almost impossibly light on her feet. It’s like… if you’ve ever seen Jackie Gleason dance.” “So, is that a compliment or…?” “I don’t see how it possibly could be.”
  • “Nor do I see how you could possibly think that you are at all suited to a covert mission in Turkmenistan.” “Why? Because I’m black or because I’m a woman?” “Wh-? Pick one.”
Photo Credit: FX
Photo Credit: FX
  • “I mean look, I don’t want to sound racist but-” “But you’re gonna power through it.” “Not about you. About Turkmenistan. Lana this is a Central Asian, male dominated, xenophobic, puppet-state whose dictator changed the words for bread and Friday to his dog’s name.”
  • “Wh-? Wait. So now we’re paying people to blow up oil pipelines?” “See? Another reason I didn’t send you.” “What? The environment?” “This litterbox? Or Western Europe? Because T-72 tanks aren’t exactly known for their low emissions.”
  • “I want it officially on record that I am strongly opposed to this mission.” “What record?” “Can I at least put something in the newsletter?”
Photo Credit: FX
Photo Credit: FX
  • “Uh, Ray. Time’s kind of a factor here, so-” “I am not. Ever. Sucking your taint.” “Ok, so Cyril… Better chapstick it up, buddy.”
  • “You can’t tourniquet the taint.” “But, wait. Is my dick gonna be ok?” “Well the danger there is cyotoxins, which can cause severe necrosis.” “Nec- So my dick’s gonna fall off?” “Maybe.” “Aaagh!” “But the bigger danger is neuro and cardiotoxins, which can cause respiratory failure, cardiac arrest-” “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!” “So the most important thing is for you to stay calm.”
  • “Ew.” “Oh boy.” “What? But it’s good, right? If my body’s throwing up the poison?” “It might be. If you had drunk it.”
  • “Hey, I’m not doing super great here.” “Well I could use some help.” “I would, but I, I can’t feel my hands.” “I meant Ray. Who’s just standing there. Ray, dammit. On bionic legs.” “Oh right.” “God da*n it Ray!” “I forgot!” “How do you forget you have bionic legs?”
  • “Are you sh*tting me? Bionic legs and you lifted with your back? Cyril, my guns in the gear bag. Can you hand it to me please?” “To… use as a signal?” “Yeah, maybe. If there’s any bullets left after I murder both of you.” “Why me?” “It’s number 2 on my bucket list.”
  • “Krieger! I need you to… Krieger? Krieger?!” “Yep? Yep yep yep?” “Whatever unspeakable thing you’re doing back there can wait.” “Well, you say that-” “Yes, I do and I just did.”
  • “I am not calling for an extraction!” “Look, just because Lana makes you feel insecure in your masculinity-” “Mascu- look who’s talking.” “Oh for- Cyril, when I was ten years old I killed a bear.” “Nah-uh. Really?” “With a bow. And daddy made me take a big ole bite out of it’s heart.” “Oh my God. That is…horrible.” “No sh*t. I was bawling my eyes out. But he just kept slapping me until I did it.” “Jesus.” “Seriously. No wonder you’re gay.”
  • “Cryil, if you call Isis I will literally literally murder you, alright? I’d rather die than sit through another one of Lana’s big ‘I told you sos.’ At least you get to bang her.” “Well, you seem to be feeling better.” “Hang on. Gay-vy Crockett, boom. Nailed it.”
  • “Well wait, hang on. Because unless I’m hallucinating… there’s a Landcruiser over there flipping his highbeams at us.” “You’re hallucinating.” “Oh, well the good news is we don’t have to worry about these alligators. That’s not actually good news, is it?” “No. No it is not.” “Okay… later, gator.”
Photo Credit: FX
Photo Credit: FX
  • “What the hell’s going on here?” “Oh no, not hell Mr. Archer. This is-” “Hey, cut-rate James Mason. I got kicked out of Episcopal prep school. Twice. So if there is a heaven-” “Oh, I’m sorry, nor is this heaven.” “Well, obviously it’s not heaven.” “No, it’s a-” “Because Janis Joplin’s not giving me a rim job.” “Way station. I beg your pardon?” “Right? Sorry. A cobra bit my taint.” “Yes.” “I’m not myself.” “Aren’t you?” “Are I?”
  • “Would you like to know who Sterling Archer really is?” “No.”
Photo Credit: FX
Photo Credit: FX
  • “Oh please. If you really cared you’d resign. But there’s no way you ever will because you’re just counting the days until, her face bloated and yellow from liver failure, she calls you to her death bed and in a croaky whisper explains, that Mr. Archer is totally incompetent and that you, the long suffering Lana Kane, are the only one qualified to run Isis and you weep shameful tears because you know this terrible place is the only true love you will ever know.” “Excuse me.”
  • “James Mason. Why are we in Baltimore?” “I thought you might like some insight into how you became the man you are.” “No. I would absolutely not like some-“
  • “Yeah, sooo… I don’t know if you’re deaf or just an a**hole or both, but I’m pretty sure I said I didn’t want to see this.” “But, Sterling, do you not see how the actions of a deeply disturbed woman profoundly influenced your life?” “Well, obviously! I mean- oh. You mean my lacrosse career ending because a crazy stalker gut-shot me.” “Do I?” I don’t know James Mason. Do you? Besides, what freaking movie is this? What next? Does Mr. Gower slaps me deaf? Come on, you’re all over the road here.”
  • “And I’m outta here.” “I’m afraid that isn’t possible.” Oh really? Then why is-” “Coming through. Come on, make a hole.” “Phrasing, boom.”
  • “Come on, what the hell is this?” “I thought you’d like to see something.” “I’ve seen poverty. I’ve been to- oh, how’s it going in Turkmenistan?” “Mmmmmm, not great.”
  • “Sterling, I’m you’re real father.”

Archer airs Thursday at 10/9c. All images courtesy of FX.

Related posts

Leave a Reply

Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.