What They Said: Favorite Quotes from Archer “The Wind Cries Mary” 

Episode: “The Wind Cries Mary”

• “And item six.” “We’re not done with item five.” “Well clearly we are because I just said item six.”

• “And you, Mr. I Can Solve Your Ant Problem.” “First of all it’s Dr. I Can Solve Your Ant Problem. And second of all, here’s your refund.”

• “Maybe you’re lame.” “Maybe you can shut your dick-holster.”

• “Item seven. Oh. You all remember Lucas Troy…” “That sh*tbag.” “What are you talking about? Luke’s awesome. He’s a kick-ass agent, a great wingman, he can drink Ireland under the table… Oh, man back when we were training together we tore it up.” “Just like his ISIS contract! I train him for a year and the minute he’s worth a damn he goes to ODIN.” “She said oversimplifyingly.”

• “He was still awesome. And my best-” “Only.” “-shut up, my best friend, mother. Which is why you hated him because you were jealous of our relationship.” “So you two were in a relationship?” “No. Not the Ray kind.” “Meaning?” “Homosexual, Ray. So, so obviously. What’s not obvious, mother, is why my best friend the awesome Luke Troy is on your stupid agenda.” “Oh right. Let’s see here… do do do doo. Oh, he’d dead.” “He’s what?” “Dead! Jesus. Clean the secretly gay for Lucas Troy out of your ears.”

• “This is crazy. How could Luke be-” “Gay?” “-dead, Lana. And your little, whatever, gay innuendoes don’t even merit a-” “Reach around. Ow! Jesus.”

• “Archer, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck and murders a bunch of its fellow ducks-” “Then, uh, maybe the duck knew there was a mole, huh? Ever think of that? That maybe there’s a fox in the henhouse or wolf in sheep’s clothing? Or one of the other tricky animals?”

• “Does he seem… almost a little too fond of Troy?” “Yeah. And you know he was gay, right?” “As a tangerine. In jean shorts.”

• “Lana, I will hire Kenny Loggins to come here and play an acoustic set while I slap some sense into you.” “Ray back me up here. Luke Troy. Yes or no. Gayest dude ever.” “Uh.” “Dude, what? It was just the tip.” “Meathead, frat boy, asshole jock, maybe but no, definitely not gay.”

• “Ray call me when you have a lead. I’ll be somewhere in or on top of my building shooting tranquilizer darts at the world’s shittiest pet.”

• “What the hell is this?” “This mustache on a penis is Rodney.”

• You must be Ms. Archer cleverly disguised as a large man.”

• “He’s the new, whatever, gun librarian.” “Armory supervisor.” “Great. What’s with the cage?” “Oh some wacky new thing the kids are doing called inventory control.”

• “Well, whatever. I need some range time so just scuttle back into the tiny little domain over which you have power and get me a thousand rounds of 9 mil wadcutter.” “Oh absolutely. Just fill out these requisition forms in triplicate.” “For a few lousy bullets?” “Well, one, they are excellent bullets.”

• “Luuuuuuuke! Dude. I knew you faked your death because a mole framed you for stealing that uranium.” “Dude that is such a relief. I was worried they’d turned you against me.” “Are you kidding? Dude. Bros before apparent threats to national security.”

• “Dude, I love deep.” “Said your mom.”

• “Don’t worry, Luke, I’m coming for you.” “Ahh.” “What was that?” “Phrasing.” “Nice! Queer.”

• “Wait a – oh my God, holy sh*t. No, Vermont has liquor stores right? Yeah, they have to. It sucks there.”

• “And my point was we could easily have done this by now.” “And my point is that pursuing a dangerous rogue agent isn’t the optimal time to do peer reviews.” “Could’ve done it ten times by now.” “God damn it fine! Freaking review me!”

• “Pussy!” “Shut up. It went down wrong.” “Said your… oh.” “Yeah, doesn’t work there.” “Mmm. Ok. Say ‘thanks for coming.'” “Nooope.”

• “God, what a dick!” “Said your mom. Boom.” “Dammit.” “So easy.”

• “I know it doesn’t look like much now but it has tons of potential.” “As a base of operations while we track down the mole who framed you for murdering your colleagues and selling uranium on the black market?” “No. A**hole. As a bed and breakfast. Twin Oaks. You like that? For the name? Twin Oaks.”

• “So, um, about un-framing you for treason and murder.” “Yeah, I don’t know man. It kinda seems like what’s the point? You know?” “I don’t actually.” “Well, come on. There’s too much evidence. I mean it’s all fake obviously but-“

• “Dude, there’s a mole in your agency. We gotta catch it.” “Yeah, but then what? And there’s another mole or a double agent. And on and on. It’s all just secrets and lies man.” “Yeah it’s espionage.”

• “Archer, were you followed here?” “Wow. Really? Ok. A little insulting. I think I know how to spot a tail.” “Is your phone on!?” “Wha? No. Jesus, what kind of-“

• “Why is Lana Kane – and is that that geeky little accountant dude – attempting to breach my perimeter?” “I honestly don’t know but… why are you doing that?” “Because they are a threat.” “No they’re not.” “To our future together.” “Especially not Cyril. He’s… wait. I’m sorry. Whose future together?” “Yours and mine, dumb**s.” “Ah. You lost me.” “No, Archer. I thought I had.” “You did.” “And you came back to me.”

• “Wait, wait. Don’t take this the wrong way but I’m getting, ah, I’m getting an extremely gay vibe.” “Wha- Jesus, dude. I’m not gay!” “I-” “For other men.” “Ah, lost me again.” “I can’t really explain it. I mean, you know me. I bang more hot chicks than I’ve had hot dinners, but… there is something about you.” “That makes you gay for me?” “Well, I don’t really like that word.” “Well sorry. I didn’t invent English.” “It’s more like a singular same sex attraction.”

• “Did you drug the wine?” “Yeah, sorry. I thought you might freak out when I told you all this.” “It’s understandable. I mean, I’d do me.” “And also when I told you I actually did steal the uranium and murder my fellow agents.” “You dick.” “To fund our life together dude. Which will start right after I go murder your fellow agents.”

• “Pam, the word ‘disaster’ implies it’s actually something that matters.” “It matters to me!” “Well, but you don’t.”

• “Look, for your information, blaze orange is the safest color to wear to avoid being accidentally shot. at Ahh!” “What about intentionally shot at?”

• “Oh man. This is almost too easy.” “Oh for – seriously?” “Yeah, I gotta give them a head start.”

• “Luuuuke! Come on. You’re not thinking straight. A, you wildly underestimated my liver’s ability to metabolize toxins and B, why would you possibly have these?”

• “What was it we used to call you?” “Truckasaurus?” “Cyril!” “No it was… oh, yeah Spray-N-Pray.” “Dammit.” “We also called you Shirley Temper.” “Ah, Cyril?” “Which, you know, lame. But accurate. Again, unlike your aim.”

• “Ok, so… don’t really know what to make of that. Unless… Wait. No, no, no. Get it out of your head. Predator only hunts in tropical jungles. I assume. And desperately hope.”

• “On my God. What if I’m gay for Tolkien?”

• “After you passed out, I snuck into your room with a big bottle of suntan oil, put on some Al Green, and-” “Nooooooooooooo.”

Archer airs Thursdays at 10/9c on FX.