What They Said: Favorite Quotes from Leverage “The Toy Job” 

Episode: “The Toy Job”
Writer: Joe Hortua

Sophie: “Well, where’d Hazlit come from?” Hardison: “One guess.” Parker: “Santa’s Workshop.” Hardison: “No.” Parker: “Doughnuts.” Hardison: “No. And that’s two guesses. Stop playing.”

Eliot: “I hate arms dealers.”

Parker: “Nate, I love my Ecosse motorcycle from last Christmas — compliments of my Santa baby.” Eliot: “You spent a hundred thousand dollars on a motorcycle?” Hardison: “Don’t hate the gift. Hate the elf.” Eliot: “I do hate the elf.”

Nate: “We’re gonna steal Christmas.”

Nate: “OK, well, we got to get our hands on the uh, the uh…” Hardison: “Whirlie-Glee-Glee?” Nate: “…the Whirlie-Glee-Glee before it’s gone gone.”

Hardison: “It ain’t no doll. That’s some old voodoo witchcraft and I don’t want it up in Lucille.” Parker: “What if I said that about the flashy kicks you’ve been giving me lately?” Hardison: “Hey — they are awesome. They make you shiny and fast. OK, this thing? No kid should ever be subjected to. Ever.”

Eliot: “Anything can be sold.” Sophie: “Eliot’s right. It’s just a mass marketing con game. And it’s about creating wildfire buzz like the modern art world or the movie business — any crappy product.” Parker: “Wha — Baby Joy Rage is not crappy.” Hardison (mouths to Parker): “It’s crappy.”

Hardison: “The drug dealer approach — you for real?” Nate: “First taste for free. Word spreads — keeps them coming back for more.”

Zachary: “When I win my first Oscar, I’m going to name it after you, Miss Devereaux. I’m going to thank everyone and I’m going to say: ‘This is not an Oscar…it’s a Devereaux.'”

Shrink: “And these happy folks at the beach?” Young Parker: “Actually, this one may be…definitely anger.”

Nate: OK, so, Hardison you get on that lecture thing. Eliot you get on the mommies.” Hardison: “And he doesn’t mean that literally.” Eliot: “That joke is never funny.” Hardison: “It’s always funny.” Eliot: “No, it’s not, Hardison. Comedy’s about timing and you don’t have it.”

Parker: “Do we really think parents are gonna bite on this?” Nate: “Yeah, what do you think parents are most afraid of?” Parker: “Clowns.” Nate: “No, Parker.” Parker: “Evil clowns?” Nate: “No.” Parker: “Crazy clowns called Gigi who whisper your name from under your bed?” Nate: “No.”

Sophie (names the toy): “Baby Feels-A-Lot. I feel a lot. You feel a lot. We all feel a lot. And it’s OK to feel a lot as long as you…use your words, right?” Nate: “Sophie Devereaux…”

Nate: “Parker, why is it that people give each other Christmas presents?” Parker: “To be nice.” Nate: “No, because they are being programmed by these giant corporations who do all this research to figure out how to push these psychological buttons in people to make them get these presents, right? Make no mistake. What we’re doing is we’re manipulating fears and making these toys. All of it. This…this…is Christmas. Yeah. Let’s get to work.”

Eliot: “Dude, how do you come up with this crap? Hardison: “I studied early childhood development.”

Eliot: “Dude, the blogger moms?”

Eliot: “If I’m gonna do this, all right? I want to…I want to be tough dad. You know what I mean? Cool dad. Just enough to turn her head. Don’t go overboard on this! Keep it simple. You know, someone who’s…who’s not afraid to make a PB&J, ok? But still wants to go out in the yard, get dirty, kick the soccer ball around a little bit…strict. But fair.”

Eliot: “Look at the picture he used, man!” Hardison: “Hey! Hey! Excuse me. Man, I’m sorry if this kind of writing opens me up creatively. I’m usually stuck looking at binary codes. Maybe I was writing the father that I wanted one day, OK? What’s the problem with getting emotionally butt nekkid? I was just trying to share my feelings.” Nate: “We don’t want to see that?”

Hardison: “Oh, what did the mamas say? Oh, what are they saying about the sensitive dad? I got something for you. I got something for your ass. Boom. Chardonnay mom. She cute, though. Ain’t she fine? Look what she says: ‘Oh this week I was introduced to an amazing new toy called Baby Feels-A-Lot thanks to a gentleman who couldn’t be more kind, more handsome or more sensitive single dad.’ You don’t deserve none of that.”

Nate: “Hardison, Christmas was pre-ruined. Do you know how it began?” Sophie: (gasps) “No. Shh…” Hardison: “Yeah, it was a fat guy in a chimney.” Nate: “Christmas began as a pagan pre-Roman feast involving the sacrifice of children. Ho, ho, ho.” Hardison: “Is he serious? I mean, dang, I just feel like I got sucker-punched by an elf-hating, Scrooge-loving, no-gift-giving, anti-Claus. I mean, am I bleeding?” Sophie: “A little bit.”

Parker: “I think I scared her a little bit. Did you jump?” Hardison: “You scared me.”

Eliot: “Promise me those things will never hit store shelves.” Parker: “Nah, I’m keeping them all to myself. I’ve got them lined up in my warehouse like an army of joy and rage.” Hardison: “You don’t ever want to be in that warehouse alone. Ever.”

Sophie: “I think we should give each other some trust for Christmas.” Parker: “What? Like that little exercise where you fall back and someone catches you?” Sophie: “No, not like that.” Parker: “Good. Because I did that once and I dropped the person and they had to get stitches.” Hardison: “Still hurts.” Parker: “I know.”

The season (possibly but better not be series) finale of Leverage airs on TNT Tuesday, December 25 at 10/9c.