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What They Said

What They Said: Favorite Quotes from Community “Curriculum Unavailable” 

Photo Credit:Â Lewis Jacobs/NBC

Title: “Curriculum Unavailable”

Writer: Adam Countee

  • “Troy, is that a casserole?” “It’s Bagel Bites in a deconstructed Hot Pocket reduction with a Doritos glaze. I just really want to make my food, you know?”
  • “Oh yes, I’m very familiar with Inspector Spacetime. You think a guy becomes a cop because this prom night was a dream? If this were Comic Con I’d take a bullet for that kid.”
  • “Sixty dollars? Hello? Rich people? Troy’s joining you. Yes I’ll hold.”
  • “Abed won’t go to any kind of doctor on his own. Last year we caught him trying to remove his own tonsils.”

Photo Credit:Â Lewis Jacobs/NBC
  • “You have to understand about Abed, he’s usually adorable weird like Mork from Ork but since we got expelled he’s been creepy weird like present day Robin Williams.”
  • “Well, Abed I don’t deal in crazy I deal in help. So how long has Abed needed a crazy amount of help?”
  • “Wait a minute. Nobody in this room gets to define sick.” “I do. I’m a psychiatrist. Any kind of doctor can really.”
  • “Look we’re just saying it’s been a crazy year for everybody. Who among us hasn’t had the odd banana in his or her pants, right?”
  • “Troy you can’t bring that in here.” “Yes I can it’s all terrain dummy.”
  • “So you see what you call insanity we call solidarity. I’m sorry.” “We just finished telling him about it and you grab it and squeeze it?”
  • “I think Abed should be committed.” “You mean committed to his character work right because he already is. Abed show him your Don Draper.” “Cigarettes.” “No, I mean an institution.” “You mean like marriage?” “I mean a mental institution.” “Ah. So do I. Would someone please help me lighten the mood?”
  • “Is there a fire drill?” “No, sir there’s an actual fire. I wanted you guys to be the first to know before I tell everyone else. I know! It’s not right to play favorites but it’s no more right to sit on your feelings and I don’t know what I’d do without you guys- whoa.”
Photo Credit:Â Lewis Jacobs/NBC
  • “You know what occurs to me? What all those great Greendale memories have in common?” “I was barely in them?” “They were all about Dean Pelton.”
  • “You can’t go back to Greendale.” “Why because it isn’t healthy?” “Because it doesn’t exist.”
  • “Wait, what?”
  • “What do you mean Greendale doesn’t exist?” “Well, there is a place called Greendale and you all spent three years there but it’s not a community college.”
  • “These memories that you people have been sharing are a shared psychosis. You were patients there together, you were released together, and I’m alarmed to see that you are now relapsing together.”
  • “Ah, yes. This fantastical community college where everything that happens is unbelievably ridiculous and it all revolves around you as a group.”
  • “It’s sad. Should we increase their lithium?” “Not yet. I want to see what happens if we confiscate one of their pens.”
  • “And you’ve attended Greendale for three years but don’t community colleges end after two?” “Everyone’s always saying that.”
  • “No, I think they bought it. I had to do a little riffing at the end but I was pretty convincing. Well if it looks like I’m sneaking out the window it’s just a symptom of your deepening psychosis. Don’t hurt me.”
  • “Why would you lie to make us think we’re crazy?” “Because Ms. Edison, Greendale is purgatory and I am the devil.” “What?” “I knew it.” “Stop letting him make you realize stuff. These aren’t even good lies.”
  • “The Indian kid was right.” “He’s Arabic.” “Also Polish.” “Whatever. I’m a fake psychiatrist not a fake ethnologist. The point is your dean was kidnapped by Ben Chang and replaced with a double. I was hired to get you off the scent.”
  • “Uh, guys. While we were remembering Chang is crazy the fake doctor sneaked away.”
Photo Credit: Lewis Jacobs/NBC
  • “The dean has been kidnapped. He’s out there somewhere, alone and cold and most likely trying to cobble together a sexy Patty Hearst costume.” “Britta’s right. Wait. What?” “We need to rescue the dean.” “We need to get back to that school.” “And we definitely never need to do another paintball.” “See? Therapy does work. We’re cured.”
  • “Troy and Abed in the morning. Nights.”
  • “Hey Jeff what’s your question?” “Who is this?” “Great question. We’re us.”
  • “Well Jacks and Jills that’s about all the time we have tonight.” “Yeah until next time may your dreams be sweet and your nightmares be ‘spooky monster’ scary and not ‘grandma’ died scary.”

Community airs Thursdays at 8/7c on NBC.

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