What They Said: Favorite Quotes from Archer “Space Race, Part II” 

Episode: “Space Race, Part II”

• “Archer do something.” “Sure thing Lana. Oh, wait. I can’t because I left my light saber in my other space pants.”

• “What? Remind me when was it that I said ‘Guys. Great idea. Let’s get shanghaied to go live on freakin Mars.'” “Keep moving.” Make me-Ow!” “He said meow.”

• “Mr. Archer. Do I have to sedate you?” “Well I wouldn’t say no to a drink.” “Archer.” “What? You want one? Ok, can we get two um…my tongue says sangrita but my heart says-” “Archer!” “-michelada.”

• “You realize this is kidnapping.” “I do, yes.” “And do you realize you’re insane?” “Well he wouldn’t by definition.” “What’s more insane? Suffering through famine, war, disease on a dying Earth or creating a utopia on Mars?” “Um using me as your brood sow?” “No, not- well, ok yes. Technically. But we searched for so long to find the perfect human female specimen.” “Well that’s flattering… ish.”

• “Don’t judge me on the how until you see the why.”Oh Kreiger-san. I never judge you.” “Well your mother sure as hell does.”

• “… you hired ISIS just so Lana could pump out of bunch of Martian babies.” “Only if by ‘Martian’ you mean born on Mars not actual alien life forms.” “Oh. Whatever.”

• “Lana, the penis to your vagina ratio around here is creepy enough already.”

• “Oh you don’t look like a whore. An idiot maybe.” “Wh-” “Or both. Yes a whordiot.”

• “Agent Kane… maybe I call you Lana?” “You absolutely may not.” “Fair enough, but I wish you’d reconsider. You’d be much more comfortable in my quarters.” “Ha! You’ll have to sedate me.”

• “We need you in peak physical condition for this great undertaking of ours. All of you.” “So, wait. Are we not doing drinks?” “Ha! I’m not helping you terraform Mars. I won’t move one cuppa dirt.” “Can we at last have beers?”

• “Then you can join the uh, well we’re calling them involuntary laborers.” “Invol- wait. You mean slaves?” “Oh now he’s indignant.” “Oh please all you have to do is sit around all day getting laid.”

• “And the black guy’s ok with this?” “Uh.” “What? Oh for- How was that racist?”

• “What the hell are you doing?” “These nutsacks want to take us to Mars to be baby factories.” “Really?” “I can’t go live on Mars. I just rented a summer house.” “Really?” “No.”

• “Come on. We’ve got to figure a way out of this.” “Or do we?”

• “Why is nobody else wearing a T-shirt under their flight suit? Because this thing feels amazing.” I know right. Like it’s like a, a vagina with a zipper.” “Ew.”

• “Turn around? It’s not like we all haven’t seen them before.” “Don’t remind me.” “Although I guess it has been a long time.” “Meaning?” “Nothing. Just bet you’re glad we’re in reduced gravity.”

• “Lana, uh pretend it’s five years ago.” “I wish it was so I could murder you before we ever dated.”

• “Don’t get me wrong, I’d still do her.” “Oh please you’d do… name a noun.”

• “No you look. Look at these and tell me they’re not perfect.” “Now? Really?”

• “What’s taking so long?” “Couple things. One, I didn’t invent whatever this door’s made of which is apparently some alloy of adamantium and mithrol and two, not really liking your tone.”

• “You idiots! Firing an ion cannon at the future mother of Mars? Whose idea was that?”

• “We’ve been locked in here ever since you idiots took over Horizon.” “Tone.”

• “The Intrepid is the key to Drake’s plan and he and Kellogg are the only ones who can fly it. So why aren’t you a-holes down there?” “Burn.” “Cyril. Although, good point Trish.”

• “Oh and Trish, uh with your looks maybe bitchy’s not the way to go.” “Ok you’re the prettiest. Come on!”

• “See. Now we just wait for Mr. Archer to save the say like he always does.” “I don’t know about always, but are you sure they can’t get in?”

• “Aren’t you guys looking for a new Martian queen?” “God d*mn it.” “Why yes and you are…” “Your majesty.”

• “Ok you heard him.” “Uh, I heard time tell you to do it.” “And I’m telling you to do it.” “And I’m telling you that I didn’t sign up for Animal Farm in space.” “Wait. There are animals?” “Wh- No. Animal Farm?” “How do you not get that?” “Cyril, I know what an animal farm is.” “Not an animal farm.” “Maybe we can, I don’t know, stampede a flock of goats down the hall.” “Animal Farm is a book.” “No it isn’t Lana. It’s an allegorical novella about Stalinism by George Orwell and, spoiler alert, it sucks! Although I was talking about an actual animal farm so never mind.”

• “Now we heard some mention about babies.” “Uh huh.” “But just to be clear, we don’t do babies.” “‘Do’ as in?” “Do as in tolerate, be around, touch and definitely as in let them claw their monstery way out of our vagina.” “Well let’s put a pin in that.” “Ew. Wait. Put a pin in what?” “What? What is wrong with you?”

• “Oh please. You’re not fit to be queen of… name a place.” “Lidsville.” “And Drake you can forget all about your crazy little Martian sex cult.”

• “Don’t you people get it? Earth is doomed. Mankind’s only hope for survival is to find a new home on Mars and I am the only man alive who can lead us there. I am like uh-” “Jesus Christ.” “Well, I think a more apt analogy would be Moses, but-“

• “Even if they kill me they can never kill our dream. MARS!”

• “There is no Mars without you Tony. I’m sorry.” “Sorry? You’re sorry? You just single-handedly doomed mankind!” “Hey even so. Black astronaut? That’s still pretty huge.”

• “And at least your own mother didn’t just play chicken with your life.” “Self burn.” “Cyril!”

• “A black astronaut Cyril. That’s like killing a unicorn.”

• “Oh my God. Are you kidding me? Brrrrring. Hello? Is this airboats?” “Yeah, hi it’s me Spacebot. What? Oh just lifting a thousand pounds like it’s an apple. No big deal.” “Archer! Quit screwing around with the robot and shut the d*mn airlock already.” “Five more minutes! God.” “What’s the hurry? We’re all gonna die up here anyway.”

• “We’re not gonna die. Stop crying. And for what it’s worth I think you would’ve made a great Martian queen.” “Duh.”

• “So, Trish. Horizon is self-sustaining right?” “Duh.” “Well then have fun.” “Wait wait wait. I- never mind. I’m sure someone’s gonna feed the farm animals.”

• “Cyril you’re in command. Try not to kill us. Everybody else strap in.” “Reeeally?” I said in not on.” “Oh.” “And ew.”

• “I’m going into stasis. Wake me up when we’re on the ground. Preferably above 72nd street.”

• “What is that? Who’s got beer.” “Archer. Come out to play.” “Barry?” “Come on out Archer. I mean I’d come in but yeah, who built this door? Space dwarfs?”

• “Where do you think you’re going?” “Uh, this place called to kill Barry.” “Every time y’all fight he beats you like the red-headed stepchild of a rented mule.” “No he doesn’t.”

• “Evil cyborg versus Spacebot. Love it.” “This is gonna be – and I hate this word Barry, but – this is gonna be epic! Hang on I’ll be right-” “He can’t get in here. So the only reason to go out there is your ego.” “Not just my ego Lana. Spacebot’s ego.” “Giant ass whipping.”

• “Don’t apologize. I mean if you’re having a legitimate problem with your… vagina that you have between your legs in lieu of a penis, I completely understand and you need to deal with that. Honestly, we can do this another time.” “Archer?” “Next time Barry.”

• Sterling I know I may not say this very often-” “Or ever.” “Well congratulations you ruined it. But I’m still very proud of you.” “Oh.” “Ass.”

• “Next stop planet Earth.” “Just try not to kill us all Cyril.” “Mother please! Don’t listen to her Cyril. You’re gonna do great.”

• “Ha! Now who’s got a vagina problem?” “Me.” “Ew.”

• “Archer! You had, like, an actual moment of self awareness in space so-” “I deserve to land the God d*mn spaceship.”

• “Oh, come on Ray. What’s the big deal? You already had the chair. Hey. Did I tell you guys I got a goat?”

Archer returns next winter for season 4 on FX.