What They Said: Favorite Quotes from Parks and Rec “Campaign Shake-Up” 

Episode: “Campaign Shake-Up”
Writer: Dan Goor

• “What a hilarious image. A foot in a mouth.” “It’s a common expression.” “Okay.”

• “He’s like a brilliant, sexy, little hummingbird.” “What did you just say?” “Nothing. Keep up the good work. You’re doing great.”

• “He’s like the godfather but old.” “He’s like the grandfather. The Grand Godfather.” “The Grondfather. He’s like…it doesn’t matter. He’s important…and he’s old.”

• “Please don’t get up.” “Don’t worry. I can’t.” “Oh.” “Just joking. I can get up. But it’s difficult. But I can do it. But it is hard.”

• “Not enough ramps is the number three complaint among Pawnee seniors. Right behind “everything hurts” and “I’m dying.”

• “Isn’t there a men’s gymnasium where you can do that?” “The world’s my gymnasium, Ron!”

• “In a town of this size, the Parks department traditionally has ten employees. You have only seven. Why is that?” “I work hard to make sure my department is as small and ineffective as possible.”

• “I’m going to have to hire a Deputy Director to pick up the slack.” “NOOOOO!”

• “Either we complete a government project which is abhorrent to me; or we bring a new person in to the department which repulses me to my core. Reminds me of when my dad made me choose which of my pet calves to slaughter with my own hands for my sixth birthday. I couldn’t choose, so I slaughtered both of them. And they were delicious.”

• “And check out this picture. She’s eating egg salad with Colin Powell. That’s like the most impressive thing I’ve ever seen.”

• “As a candidate, I appreciate your strategic mind. But as a woman, all I care about is your slight but powerful body.”

• “Hello, Ann Perkins.” “That’s the first time you’ve said my entire name correctly.” “Nonsense. We are close friends.”

• “Do you know Joe Biden?” “Oh, mm-hmm.” “He’s on my celebrity sex list. Well…he is my celebrity sex list.” “Trust me, you can do better than Joe.” “Oh no. I don’t…I don’t think I can. No way.”

• “Worst case scenario. Worst case scenario!”

• “And I should listen to you always because you are a man genius with a taut, narrow frame like a sexy elf king.” “Do you wish I were taller or — what’s going on?” “Nothing, you’re perfect.”

• “Donna?” “Do I look like I drink water?”

• “And sorry we goofed around so much.” “Normally, I’d be very proud of you for what you did. This is a rare example where wasting a full day of work is a bad thing.”

• “If you’re team keeps this up, I think we can hold off on filling the Leslie void.” “I think Ben’s already filling the Leslie void.” “Oh!” “Oh!” “I’ll give it up for that.”

• “If you love chess — which I do. But you don’t have anybody to play against — which I don’t. Then sometimes you just gotta play yourself.”

• “JJ’s doesn’t have a cappuccino maker.” “It does now. I bought them one.” “Of course you did.”

• “Hey, there is no on Earth, I rather go into battle with than you.” “Really?” “Yes.” “So, tell me, what do we do, my campaign manager?” “I don’t know.” “Okay.”

• “Should I go?” “Oh, you’re still here? Yes.”

• “Let’s begin this show by starting it.”

• “There she goes again, Perd.” “I don’t know where she went the first time.”

• “I am not here to declare a winner but…Jennifer’s the winner.”

• “I am going to get drunk and then I’m going to order a three-course meal where each course is made of dessert.”

• “I don’t want to do things. I want to not do things. Just like you taught me.” “And I taught you well.”

• “I’d rather you start a business or use your hands to farm, but right now, the department needs you. Please.” “Okay, but only because you begged.” “Good girl.”

Parks and Recreation airs on NBC Thursdays at 8:30/7:30c. But, after the March 8 episode, it goes on a mini-hiatus until April 19.