What They Said: Favorite Quotes from Archer “Lo Scandalo” 

Episode: “Lo Scandalo”

• “WD 40 Mother. It costs like a nickel. Or maybe, Mother, you could just swallow your pride and just apologize to your super. Oh, and to me. For ruining my Friday night, which is now being spent here. So what? Why the frantic phone call?”

• “It’s not what it looks like.” “Well, that’s a relief because it looks like you’re sitting here with a gun right? And over there strapped to a chair and shot to death is a guy in a full body latex cat suit. OR AM I MISREADING THE SITUATION?”

• “So you’re saying the fact that your gun has recently been fired” “is unrelated to the dead guy over there who’s chock full of bullets.” “Well, obviously they’re related.”

• “Someone broke in here and shot him.” “Ok Malory.” “Well unless it was the creepy old people bondage sex police why would anyone break in here and shoot him?”

• “Why does this chair have no seat? And what is in his ass? Mother! What’s in this man’s ass?” “Oh please. Don’t act live you’ve never seen a marital aid before.”

• “Ewwwww.” “Are you finished?” “Hang on. Eww. Now I’m done.” “Anyway, Savio was in Italian intelligence.” “Rim shot.” “Shut up. And we were working all these late nights. There was a mutual attraction, one thing led to another-” “Please skip ahead.”

• “As he grew older Savio’s tastes became more and more exotic. And so he started introducing all these accoutrements very gradually.” “Well he’d have to. Thing’s huge. Ow. Ow. Ok. I, ok. God your hands are like cricket bats.” “Shut up.”

• “So Mallory what happened? Can you walk us through the crime?” “Just the crime of murder not the crime of sodomy by rubber eggplant.”

• “Wait. Whoa whoa. Backup. ” “Why did you have a gun?” “Hmm? Oh. Well Savio liked to seem a little dangerous. You know?” “No mother I don’t. Jesus. What else was on tonight’s menu? Sex under a hive of africanized bees?”

• “So you fired three times.” “And missed. Can you believe it?” “No. Oh sorry. Was that rhetorical? Lawyer up. Call the cops.” “What?” “Oh, and hit the throttle on the bourbon because I’m gonna have to, uh, bust you in the face a couple times.”

• “Mallory you got shot.” “Yes I know dear. I was there.” “Well let me see. Take off your coat.” “No I’m fine. It’s just a through and through.” “Malory!” “Mother!” “What? I put bactine on it.”

• “You two owe me an apology.” “For what?” “Not believing me.” “How ’bout for you dragging us into your S&M dildo sex murder freak show.”

• “I bet I’ll never be able to have sex again without thinking about this. I bet I won’t even be able to seat spaghetti and meatballs. Oh God!” “What?” “I could eat. I mean not necessarily spaghetti and meatballs but, you know, not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs. I really like  spaghetti and meatballs. Man if I don’t get some spaghetti and meatballs I may literally die.”

  

• “So, we’ve got a dead Italian prime minister in the living room which” “sucks. I bet he knew how to make sauce.” “Which will be hard to explain. Especially given the circumstances leading up to his death which were” “-dildo-y” “unseemly” “uh potato, a dildo.”

• “We’re not burning down my apartment!” “You sure?” “Shut up. I hit broil instead of bake.”

• “Well blood loss can make you stupid. Can I please look at your wound?”

• “I shall fetch a rug.” “Something else else! You’re not rolling him up in one of my rugs.” “Why not?” “Because then what?” “We’d get some coveralls and a van like a carpet cleaning van and just walk him right out the front door.” “You just called me an idiot for that.” “Your version didn’t have coveralls.”

• “So once again you’re faced with the classic Irishman’s dilemma. Do I eat the potato now or let it ferment so I can drink it later?”

• “What is your problem with the Irish?” “You mean besides not being on our side in World War II?” “Yeah besides that. Wait seriously? They were Nazis?” “No.” “They’re not Japanese.” “Neutral!”

• “Where’d we land on the coveralls thing?” “Archer.” “Cause I don’t even know where we’d get coveralls this time of night so-“

• “So if we can’t get the body out of here in one piece.” “Noooope.”

• “No. Mallory I’ve done some messed up sh*t working for you but I am not ,repeat not chopping up a dead body.” “Oh. Eww. Mother.”

• “I need…a pot of coffee just like I like my women; black, bitter, preferably fair trade.”

• “Oh and I assume that’s our patient.” “Not ours Kreiger. Yours.” “Thank you.”

• “And is Kreiger hard at work?” “He literally might be, yes.” “Eww.” “Well say what you will about him.” “I did.”

• “I needed help disseminating him.” “Ewwwwww.” “Not what it means.” “Still pretty gross though.”

• “Every time. Every single time we come over here we have to help you get rid of a dead body.” “Well you’ve only been here twice.”

  

• “Good heavens. A murder? Well apart from this sullen wench murdering good etiquette- Ow.”

• “What? How is this my fault?” “Gee where to start. Oh. The murder.” “Oh I thought you meant that silly French maid costume. Which makes you look ridiculous.”

• “Why would I need- whoa. Uh-uh. Nooope.” “Lana.” “Malory I am not killing a” “perfectly nice dinner Calpernia. By God if you were my servant I’d have you over my knee in a trice.”

• “But thank you all so much for coming.” “Shut up m’am.” “Loved it.” “Never. Never again.” “Thank for dead guy in a box.” “Not very elegant.” “Oh no thanks for having us.”

• “Shh shh shh shh shh shh shh. Don’t want to know, but you do probably want to go wash your lips now.”

• “Holy sh*t. She killed him.” “And got us to dispose of the body.” “Eww.”

• “Who knows. It’s Malory. Do you really want to know why she killed a guy?” “I do not. No.” “Although I am curious why she wouldn’t take off that trench coat.”