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What They Said

What They Said: Favorite Quotes from Archer “El Contador” 

Photo Credit: FX

Episode Title: “El Contador”

  • “We don’t have enough field agents to effectively run our covert operations, especially since this one went and got himself paralyzed.” “Yeah that’s me. Mr. Selfish.” “More like Ms.”
  • “Effective immediately I”m promoting Cyril to field agent.” “WHAT!?” “Hey, that sounds great. Best of luck.” “Where do you think you’re going?” Oh sorry. I’ve got to get back to Earth before the stargate closes.”
  • “Since when are we bounty hunters?” “Since the DEA’s budget was gutted by all those federal spending cutbacks.” “Which is ridiculous given the current economy. The most efficient way to decrease the budget deficit to to increase tax revenue through-” “Cyril don’t make me regret this decision.” “Sorry.”
  • “And, Cyril, dress appropriately. You’ll be helicoptering into the jungle.” “Cool.”
  • “Thanks ghost of Teddy Roosevelt.” “Ms. Archer said dress for the tropics.” “Um, tropics or Busch Gardens?”
  • “What’s a click?” “Yeah, you say that all the time and I never know what you’re talking about. I’m assuming it’s a sound of some sort.”
  • “But it’s just a pot test right?” “No stupid. All drugs.” “Oh sh*t. I call ’em groovy bears.” “How about you ironside? You rolling dirty?” “Um, possibly.”
  • “Well, what if I told you I had a way to beat any drug test in the world.” “Are you telling us that?” “Yes.” 
  • “Well then why not just say kilometer?” “Because shut up.” “Oh. Jungle zing.”
  • “Lesson 1a. In a potentially hostile environment like this the key is total situational awareness.” “Ok.” “You look, you listen, you smell. You remember to check your six.” “My six what? Is that my gun? The old six shooter?” “Oh my God. O’clock, Cyril. It means behind you.”
  • “Mmmm. You’re looking for Predator aren’t you?” “Yes.” “A couple things: a) He’s invisible.” “Not totally. He has a telltale shimmer. Ow!” “And b) Lower your freakin’ voice.”
  • “Is that Cyril? No it’s not whimpery enough.”
  • “Well, look on the bright side.” “Which is?” “Which is what?” “What’s the bright side?” “Oh. It’s a figure of speech.” 
  • “All I’m saying is there’s a million green rectangly reasons to complete the mission and zero reasons not to.”
  • “Tigers don’t live in South America.” “Well, at least one does because I just heard his spine-tingling roar.” “That was a jaguar dumbass.” “Thanks Marlin Perkins. I THINK I KNOW A TIGER WHEN I HEAR ONE!” 
  • “Oh God. It tastes worse than it smells.” “Man, if I had a nickel for every time I heard a guy say… that I’d have eight nickels!”

    Photo Credit: FX

 

  • “Obviously I cannot allow you to live.” “No. Yes you can.” “Or choose not to. Whatever.”
  • “Oh my God. I’m gonna die in a toilet stall. Just like the gypsy said.”
  • “I had, um, gastric distress or whatever so I was just gonna duck off the trail-“
  • “And I only had a second to answer so I thought, ‘What would Lana do?'” “Um, not Archer?” “No. I had to outsmart them.” “He said, suddenly too big for his sh*t-caked britches.”
  • “But first I need some clean clothes. This is not mud all over my pants.” “It’s caca.”
  • “What’s going on here?” Ha ha ha. Amigo, I was just mocking this giant nigress and her sissy sidekick.” 
  • “It’s boring. Which is why tomorrow at dawn I’ll be hunting the most dangerous game in the world.” “Jai Alai?” “Us!” “What?”
  • “Well? Go ahead and say it.” “Say what?” “How since we’re gonna die in the morning we should have sex now.” “After seeing a tiger get murdered Lana? No offense but I’m not really in the mood.” 
  • “I get the woman. Called it. Boom!” “Alright, since you called it.” 
  • “Are you really that selfish?” “Apparently.”
  • Shhh. Don’t scream. It’s me.” “Oh thank God. I thought those were Yeti hands.” “Never gets old.” 
  • “Can you believe that guy?” “Who? The drug lord who hunts humans for sport?”
  • “Goddess of the jungle, you are a whore.”
  • “Crocodiles on a three-wheeler?” “Right? How scary would that be?”
  • “Wait. Was I just bait?”
  • “Come on Cyril. Go all rogue on him.” 
  • “Sorry Cyril. Did that hurt? Cyril? Cyril?! CYRIL?!” “Yes, it freakin’ hurt.”
  • “He was just explaining to me why Isis won’t be receiving any reward for capturing Calzado.” “What? “What are you talking about” “Because apparently there’s no proof that we did.” “We literally handed Calzado to them.” “And in return did they hand you a signed receipt for the prisoner?” “No. They…oh.” “Oh sh*t.”
  • “I wish I was still blind.”
  • “That’s our pee and that’s the last I better hear about it because this stupid building is a tinderbox and I will burn it to the ground.”

Archer airs Thursdays at 10/9c on FX.

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