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Schmidt’s Laundry List of Douchery, New Girl “Story of the 50” 

Photo Credit: Ray Mickshaw/Fox

Look, we all knew it was just a matter of time before Schmidt tried to make a move on Jess. He thought they were having a moment when, clearly, they were not. Despite that, Schmidt did have a chivalrous moment in this episode. When he realizes his “bronemy,” his “fremesis” Benjamin wants to have sex (“hit that” in dbag terms) with Jess his sensitive, protective side comes out. But just as quickly, things get weird.

So here’s how it works: depending on the dbag severity of the statement or action Schmidt is “fined” a certain amount of money. The greater the offense, the higher the dollar amount. Jess thinks Schmidt is getting off easy with a $50 fine for what he did; she’d like to see him pay $100 – $200. And while Schmidt has said and done highly offensive things before, let’s limit this laundry list to just this episode.

Statement: Someone’s personalized condoms just came in the mail. Fine: $20

Statement: Winston did you know that NWA didn’t stand for never walk alone? Fine: $30

Action: Wearing gray skinnies, a black muscle shirt, and a khaki cap to the side. Fine: Not specified.

Statement: Jess I just found a Groupon for hypnosis lessons. Think about what you could do with that. Sex stuff. Fine: Not specified.

Statement: Look, guys, has anyone seen my good peacoat? Fine: $20

Statement: Have you seen my shark skin laptop sleeve? Fine: $5

Statement: Darn it. Has anyone seen my croquet cleats? Fine: $20

Statement: Hey Jess, have you seen my other timepiece? Fine: $20

Statement: Nick, I came up with the best name for an uncircumsized penis: bishop in a turtleneck. Fine: $5

Statement: Dammit! I can’t find my driving moccasins anywhere. Fine: Not specified.

Action: Trying to kiss Jess. Fine: $50

Statement: 29 (in a baller voice). Fine: $10

I hope Schmidt never fully cures his dbag ways. I really can’t imagine him any other way.

Photo Credit: Ray Mickshaw/Fox

Great lines:

“You should torch them on yelp. Actually, I can do it. I have an account under the name Fantastique Jaques. He’s a french diplomat with very little patience.”

“We built this Schmidty. We built this Schmidty on tootsie rolls.”

“The dress code was yacht flair.”

“Hi, yes. I’d like to order a last minute stripper. Oh, um. Preferably of Asian heritage, very bendy, with a heart of gold and a crotch of gold.”

“Thank you Miss Fatbootie. You’re the best. Yes! I just hired my first stripper.”

“‘Coincidentally I’m wearing my lapdance pants.”

“Are you bringing the stripper? ‘Cause I’d really like to see her jugs first. You know, just so, um, I do right by my bro.”

“When I work out which isn’t often I listen to Huey Lewis ’cause it pumps me up. Not ironically.”

New Girl airs Tuesdays at 9/8c on Fox.

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