What They Said: Favorite Quotes from New Girl “Bad in Bed” 

Episode: “Bad in Bed”

Writer: Josh Malmuth

• “Meow.” “Rarrrr.”

• “I just haven’t had sex with anyone but Spencer in six years and I get so nervous. It’s like starting a new job with a really weird interview.”

• “Can you not do this to yourself? Look at your hair. You look ridiculous.” “What am I supposed to talk about for an hour?” “It’s a haircut.” “No. You’re trapped. You can’t move and they’re standing behind you with their hands in your hair and they expect you to talk back.”

• “I’m not going to a black barbershop Winston. I’ve seen the movies. I know how fast they talk. I don’t need to seem any less cool than I already do.”

• “So, um, heads up. Paul’s coming tonight and I just want to tell you that I’m gonna tap him like a maple tree. I’m gonna be searching for some syrups. I’m gonna be having sex with him.

• “I can drive stick.”

• “Why don’t I get invited places? Is it because I’m the only man in the office?” “Man. That’s adorable.”

• “Like a Bond villain? You just told me your whole plan.”

• “It’s been six years. Everything I know about sex I learned from Spencer or the Clinton impeachment trial.”

• “I hope Paul’s packing some coral polyps because this starfish is hungry.” Laughs. “Starfish eat coral polyps.”

• “I was wondering why it had so many views.” “Let’s watch it again.”

• “I was just working my tail off at my cubicle. Which, between you and me, is surrounded by a couple of chatty Kathys. No, I mean, that’s really their names. It’s Kathy S and Kathy G…”

• “I’ve been watching porn. I found your rat folder.” “How long you been doing that for? Are you ok?” “Five and a half hours.”

• “Help me guys. I have fifteen minutes. Teach me how to be good at sex.”

• “I was wondering if there any trendy moves cause I’ve been doing the same four for the last six years.”

• “Well apparently I’m hooking up with the right girl Schmidt because they don’t choke me.”

• “What did you do after you lost your virginity? What did you say to me?” “Don’t say that right now. You’re taking it out of context.” He said, Winston is it ok that I didn’t get my pants all the way off?”

• “You’re telling me for the last fifteen years you’ve been thinking I’m bad at sex? I’m fantastic at sex.” “Dude, you’re scared to get a haircut.” “Yeah, I don’t like getting a haircut. It’s too intimate. What does that have to do with sex?”

• “Jess who do you think of the three of us is the best at sex?”

• “Goose is short for me gusta Jess.”

• “Afterbirth. That’s like the party you guys have after the baby.” “Sort of.” “You know what? I’d like to be invited to that. You know what they say. An afterbirth ain’t an afterbirth without some Schmidt up in there.”

• “Here’s to elective C sections.”

• “We’re all getting drunk tonight. Except for you Gina. Horribly irresponsible.”

• “Sorry I sounded like a guy from Entourage.”

• “I don’t know what’s happening.” “We’re talking dirty Slim.”

• “You look ravishing in your…netting.”

• “Why don’t you let me see your little caboose.”

• “It’s like an erotic rope course.”

• “Look at your hair. You really don’t look like someone who’s good at sex.”

• “Please be gentle with me at first.”

• “Except. No fire and no handcuffs please please please please.”

• “Hey Jess. Is that your shoe?”

New Girl airs Tuesdays at 9/8c.