What They Said: Favorite Lines From Archer “Tragical History” 

Episode: “Tragical History”

I love this show and I know you do too. Here are some of my favorite lines:

“I can’t hear you…over the sound…of my deafening awesomeness.”

“Pam. Pam, wait up. Come on. Get me drunk enough and I might have sex with you.” “Really?” “No. It’s a Catch 22. The amount of alcohol I would need would literally kill me.”

“Cyril, go do whatever it is you do.” “Like suck at stuff.”

“George. There’s money in there.” “Oh good. For a second I thought they brought you chicken toes or something.”

“As long as I can still swoop in and save the day.” “….um….ok.”

“Holy shit! The identity of every single ISIS field agent is on there.” “So what?” “Wha? Because most secret agents don’t tell every harlot from here to Hanoi that they are secret agents.” “Then why be one?”

“Because the mainframe has transformed the worm into a sentient being.” “What?” “I’m kidding. There’s a battery backup.”

“Noooooo! You maniac. You blew her up. Oh damn you. Goddamn you all to hell.” “So how’s this going?” “Not great.”

“Archer, do something.” “Who am I? Alan Turing?”

“Them? Or maybe your father who never thought you quite measured up.” He… Hey, how did you know that?” “I don’t know. It was just a guess really.”

“I happen to be a kick-ass accountant.” “Did that sound a lot better in your head?” “Yes it did.”

“Archer. So…uh, are you busy?” “Yes! Or no. I don’t know. Who’s asking?”

Take the suits to my tailor and the shoes to my shoemaker.” “You have a shoemaker?” “Do you not?”

“What’s the layout?” “Well let me see. It’s pretty big.” “What’s the floor plan, Cyril? Where’s the primary ingress? Orientation? Are there windows? Do they face west? Can we use the sun to our advantage?” “I’m…I’m pretty sure it has windows.”

“Give me the gun.” “No. Why?” “We’re here idiot.” “Oh.”

“There’s probably two incredibly sexy Asian women in bikinis.” “Oh. I’m suddenly much less angry.”

“You said they were sexy.” “Ninjas are sexy.” “Right?” “I mean, I think so.” “Good.”

“How bout we all just put our, um, swords down?” “You don’t have a sword.” “Can I?” “Of course, why not?” “Keiko-san, katana.” She throws it to him. “Yeah, but now she doesn’t have a-” She pulls out knives. “You’re just set on doing this, huh?” “Yes we are.”

“Shoot him Cyril but just him. I think the twins are warming up to me. Right? Are you guys? Am I getting some signals?” “Oh, shut up.” “Make me.”

“No, not sports. Look at you. Shoulders like a trout.”

“Who am I Count Bullets-ula? Like Dracula? That was bad. Come back to me. I can do better.”

“Hey. Call me if you ever want to get that drink. Either of you. Both. Whatever. Unless the sister thing is weird for you. I’m obviously way into it.”

“I swear. I learned a huge valuable lesson that I will remember for the rest of my life.” “Which you will spend never knowing if I’m gonna rat you out.” “What?” “Yeah. So now what’d you learn?” “To never confide in you?” “There you go. As long as you learned something from it, it’s not a mistake.”

“Where are you going?” “Well judging from the décor I’m guessing Spelvan’s got one of those kick-ass Japanese soaking tubs.” “What? After all that you want to take a bath?” “Do you not?”